Throwing Away the Trash

Affirmation: I freely forgive myself and others.

The topic of the NPR story was about the abolition of the death penalty. What type of response do you have to the phrase "death penalty?" You must have given it some thought. The Old Testament promotes, "an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a hand for a hand, a foot for a foot." (Exodus 21:24) Then, Jesus came along and promoted a whole new concept, forgiveness. Even at the end when He had been unjustly toured and crucified He prayed for His executioners, for all of us, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." (Luke 23:24)

I think of this quote often. Someone once commented to me that He did not say, "Father, I forgive them for they know not what they do" or even "Father, I forgive them even if they know what they are doing." I'm sure there are many biblical scholars who have dissected these last words of Christ that are much more qualified to fully explain all the implications of His petition; I am not one of them. I am simply trying to absorb the lesson that even after Our Lord was put to death because some people did not approve of Him healing the sick, raising the dead, and protecting and promoting the care of those who most needed love and care; He refused to hold onto the burning coal of hatred. In His final moments He was teaching us His greatest lesson.

As I drove along that day the story being discussed on the radio was about the death penalty in China and the tradition that allows a family member of the victim to actively participate in the execution of the offender by removing the support from under the person who is to be hung. The narrator told of a young man who had been stabbed to death by another young man and the mother of the victim had chosen to perform the execution. She approached the condemned, reached up and slapped him and then reached out and helped him down from his perch. She then went over and took the hand of the mother of the condemned man. The story resonated throughout China and now it was being shared with the rest of the world. Because of her action, the Chinese authorities were reconsidering their tradition. Because of her act of forgiveness, some of the world's conscience was being awakened.

Why do most of us find it so difficult to forgive, me included? I am not normally angry. I'll get hurt before I respond with anger. Perhaps that's just another form of anger. Sometimes, however, I'm angry at institutions, authorities or systems. Sometimes I'm angry with individuals. I can be angry with strangers, friends and worst of all, with people I love. Some small injurious word or behavior and I can feel the resentment building. Most of the time just when I think I'm "over" something that has happened, I don't even realize I haven't let go of the perceived injury or intentional slight or harm but then some reminder comes along and I'm back with my sad response. I can recall events from decades ago that still cause my body to tighten up but most times I don't even recognize the emotion. Sometimes when the anger arrives the feeling puzzles me because it is so rare for me to respond in an angry manner. The point is, however, whether or not anger or hurt feelings come quickly or slowly, responding appropriately and then releasing it is not only to your benefit, but to the world's.

The question that sometimes comes to my mind is, "What do I know to be true; what do I believe absolutely with all of my mind and my heart?" "The only important thing in life is to love and to forgive." This is a quote from a wise older woman who was from my Small Christian Community. I believe with all my mind, body and soul that the above statement is absolutely true. Richard Rohr, one of my favorite spiritual teachers explains the Beatitudes in this way, "Jesus seems to be saying, our inner attitudes and states are the real sources of our problems. How we live in our hearts is our real truth." When I can carry only love in my heart and my body and when I can release myself from any resentment, my life is rich and rewarding and peaceful. My life is then filled with hope and joy and I am able to take those emotions, those qualities with me out into the world.

One of my morning meditations took me into a subway station. What am I doing here, I pondered? On the station were 6 briefcases evenly spaced along the edge. The train came and five people picked up a case and boarded. I went over to the sixth case and looked down. It had my name on it and so I opened it. It was filled with trash. It was filled with the resentments of yesterday, perhaps of my whole life? I carried it up out of the subway, found a trash can and threw it away. Perhaps like most of the garbage in my life, I need to gather those resentments up periodically and toss them out. Perhaps with practice, I can throw away all those resentments and other junk that interfere with the love and joy with which I want my life to be surrounded.

The Chinese woman in the story was changing the world because of her ability to forgive. I believe we are called upon to do the same and that with the softening of our hearts; we too will change the world.

Have Courage and Be Kind

Affirmation: I live a Christ centered life of love, hope, peace, gratitude and compassion. 

Louise Penny, the author of the crime novels about Three Pines, Canada and Inspector Gamache came to Meredith College in September of this year, 2015 to promote her newest book, The Nature of the Beast.  It's her twelfth book in this series.  The auditorium was full.  I guessed there to be about 300 people there.  I became a fan a few years back when one of the women in my book group, Anne Brill, recommended Mrs. Penny's work.  My husband, Sandy and I like to listen to a good book if we have an extended drive and I purchased The Beautiful Mystery for us several years ago.  We were immediately hooked.  We can't wait for our next long trip to delve into the newest novel and to be reunited with the inspector and the rest of our new "friends."

Louise didn't really speak about her books because she said she might give away some of the story line which she felt would interfere with her reader's enjoyment.  Instead she spoke about her journey to becoming a successful writer.  It wasn't an unusual story.  It took her a long time and required quite a bit of stamina and also a few serendipitous events.  One event revolved around a fundraiser in a foreign country where she met her publisher, the only person with whom she had an encounter during the whole night.  Her whole story was interesting but the message with which I came away was about "kindness."

She said she modeled the inspector after her husband.  If you've read any of her work you will know the inspector is a wonderful man.  He is a family man, he cares deeply about his coworkers and he rises above the call of duty to a place of kindness and compassion.  What a gift to have someone in your life like that, and especially the person with whom you've chosen to spend your life.  I know it's a gift because I too have a husband like that.  When she spoke about the qualities these men exemplify she focused on kindness.  It was a short sentence but it emphasized to me the power of words.  "It is easier to be mean than it is to be kind."  Well, I thought, isn't that the truth!

Don't you love it when the same message repeats itself in your life?  Why, I wonder am I hearing this concept on a regular basis.  What is God or simply the Universe trying to tell me?  What more am I to learn?  Over the last two weeks the phrase, "have courage and be kind" has appeared two more times.  I bet you didn't know that those were Cinderella's mother's last words to Ella.  Disney's latest adaptation of the famous fairytale added that phrase.  In this edition, Cinderella wasn't simply saved by the handsome prince, they chose to empower her with qualities that enabled her to change her life and still be compassionate.  Thank heavens!   

It seems to me it's so much easier for people to be spiteful, to be right, to be "all about me and not about you."  We all recognize when we are being treating kindly.  Are we called to be kind to everyone?  It seems we are.  We are even called to be kind to our enemies.  What does that look like?  Does it take more energy to be kind than mean or indifferent?  Maybe it just takes a different kind of energy.  I believe it certainly takes a more conscientious effort to rise to the higher good than to sink to the lowest common denominator. 

Kindness is a close relative of compassion.  Many of the messages I've received lately in several of my readings have revolved around my responsibility to show compassion for the marginalized and suffering of the world.  Compassion is kindness put into action. I believe as I age that responsibility becomes even greater.  This is a time in my life when I have the luxury of having more time and how I use that time is very important.  I want to leave this world a better place than I found it.  I must confess there are many days when I look around and can't even imagine what steps I can take to help the world.  It helps for me to recognize that I support several projects that reach out beyond my normal sphere of influence to the benefit of those who need exceptional help.  I really can't help the whole world but I can do some things that makes a difference or can I? 

Do you know the story about the boy who is throwing starfish into the ocean?  A man comes along and asks him what he's doing and he explains he's saving lives.  The man laughs and tells him he's wasting his time; he can't possible save all the starfish.  It's not making a difference.  The boy picks up another starfish and throws it into the ocean and says, "Well, I made a difference to that one."  My sister, Gloria Hafner, was a specialized reading teacher in NY.  She took one or two students at a time and helped them learn to read at or above age level.  She always told anyone who would listen about her work and that she had, "made a difference to that one."

At the time of this entry Pope Francis is about to come to the United States.  There has been a lot of publicity revolving around his visit.  His approach to the world is causing quite a stir.  He seems to me to be filled with love and compassion.  He wants us all to fill ourselves with these intentions and then to put them into action.  He doesn't want to hear excuses and he doesn't want or be our judge or jury.  He is encouraging everyone to hear the message of Jesus and to go forward to make the world a better place.  I personally find his message and his example to be refreshing, inspirational and challenging. 

One of my efforts revolves around my belief in the power of prayer.   I pray the Rosary daily for those "who most need God's mercy."  I am trusting that my prayers seep out into the universe and relieve someone's pain and suffering.  It seems to me there is so much anguish.  Perhaps the world is always like it is now and we simply see it more clearly because of the media but what is taking place especially at this time with the refugees from Syria and Africa is beyond tragic. 

One of the conversations I've had recently revolved around energy and our ability to influence it.  The scientist I spoke with didn't believe there was such a thing and that the only reason there was any sort of change was due to a placebo effect.  I didn't feel qualified to argue with him but I left feeling very sad.  He didn't believe in mystery.  He only believed in "mastery."  He only seemed to believe in what he could see and touch and prove.  I am sure he is not alone but I need "mystery."  I need to believe that there is more to this life than what I perceive. 

I don't believe there will ever be any definite proof that our thoughts and prayers change the world but I truly believe they do.  I actually embrace the mystery and imagine one day when I am no longer physically part of this world, being shown how the time and effort I made to send help to others through prayer manifested itself.  It'll be my judgment day.  I'll see where I failed to rise to the level of a higher plane and where I truly made a difference because I cared and was willing to take the time and make an effort to pray.    

Maybe that's why lately the words, "courage" and "kind” are appearing together.  It may be harder to be kind than mean and kindness is a very important quality to practice but it takes courage to be compassionate.  It takes the ability to "suffer with" another and that is very hard.  It's so much easier to turn off the TV or to turn away from the homeless and hungry.  Pope Francis and now even Disney are calling all of us to step outside of our comfort zone and find a way to help those in need.  Perhaps it will be with prayer.  Perhaps it will be only to reach out to one person, someone for whom we can claim, "it made a difference to that one."

Journeying Through Motherhood

Affirmation:  Being a mother is my greatest joy.

As we walked around the lake the geese couple were crossing the path and next to them was a gaggle of goslings.  The female goose raised her head and stared right at us daring us to come closer.  Behind us was another walker and her dog.  The mother goose didn't hesitate.  She took off charging, squawking loudly at the dog. It had come too close to her babies. 

I've been a mother for over 40 years now.  Now, I'm also the grandmother of four great people.  I'm also very non-biased.  My adult gym now offers toddler swim lessons on Saturday mornings.  I feel a deep ache as I watch the parents interact with the children.  I have an even stronger reaction when I see the fathers caring for the little ones, holding out their arms for them to jump into and holding their little hands as they lead them to and from the pool. I'm nostalgic for that time but I remember those lessons when I did them and I am just fine that now I'm simply an appreciative observer. 

One day a young mother shared with a group of us that her 15 year old teenage daughter and husband had had their first terrible blow out.  She was worried they would never have a trusting, loving relationship.  The other mothers present assured her it was all normal growing pains and if it had taken this long for them to have this type of interaction, they were probably going to be just fine, probably even better than fine. 

Many years ago the New York Times ran an article about the happiness level of parents.  The researcher reported that in general the parents of teenagers were unhappier than parents at any other stage.  I don't remember being unhappy when my children were teenagers but I do know that now that they are adults, I thoroughly enjoy their company and that of their spouses.  It's pure joy when I have the opportunity to spend time with them. I think what we spend our money on reflects on that which we consider to be important and I'd rather spend my money on events that bring us all together than on anything else.

Today when I see a young family together I want to run up to them and tell them it's a "short long journey."  I want to embrace them and shake them and make sure they know it and tell them to savor every moment of it.  Motherhood is work.  It's painful and it's challenging.  It's demanding and it's tiring.  It's frustrating and it's confusing.  As a young mother I was never around extended family.  Our first move was when my oldest was 6 weeks old.  Our second move five years later was when my middle child was 18 months old and then ten years after that, we moved when Ellen was just three.  I never had a support system.  Every time we moved, I was completely on my own.  I didn't have a clue how very hard it was but looking back I can see how hard it was.  Each time we moved, I had to create a new support system.  It was easier sometimes than others.  It was exciting to go to a new place but it was also lonely.  Our last move brought us here to North Carolina over 25 years go.  We began again.  Now, I live close to most of my family.  

My oldest girl, Melissa and her kind, loving husband, Larry and my four grandchildren live about 2 miles away.  My son, Joey and his beautiful (inside and out) wife Belen also live close and I'm blessed to still have my husband of 45 years.  My youngest and her sweet husband, Adam are in London but I'm optimistic about the future.

My years of motherhood are not over.  Once a mother, always a mother but this stage of being the mother of adult children is for me a rich blessing.  While the children were growing, I was too busy with the cares of life and daily activities to savor all the precious moments they offered me but now, I can relish each moment.  I can relax in their company.  When I was doing my Master of Social Work I decided I would ask each of them, all adults at that time, how I did as a mother.  Truly, this has been my life's work.  I wondered how they felt I did.  When I look back I remember each of their births.  I remember all the times they were sick and needed care.  I remember all those miles in the car to different sporting events or classes.  I remembered making dinner almost every night.  I remember reading stories and grabbing hugs and kisses as often as possible.  I remember helping with homework and visiting schools.  I remember helping find colleges and going to ceremonies.  I remember a home that I always hoped felt safe and secure. I welcomed their friends and eventually their spouses.  I encouraged them to follow their dreams and listened when life went a different way.  I hadn't had any training and other than my wonderful husband, I hadn't had any family around to guide me but it appeared I'd done alright.  What did they think?  I was curious and I was brave. 

Yes, it's been a "long short journey."  If I could do it again what would I change?  If I were as wise at 20, 30 or 40 as I am now, what would I do differently?  I'd not clean the house so often.  Occasionally I'd have cereal for dinner instead of taking time to cook each evening.  I'd read even more stories, hold hands even more often.  I'd sit and just listen whenever they wanted to tell me something.  I'd know this moment will soon be gone and I'd treasure it for the gift it was. 

They were kind to me when they answered my question.  That response alone was an answer in itself.  I'd done ok.  I must have done ok.  Sandy, my hubby, and I must have done well.  They're still hanging out with us.  In fact as I write this it's almost Mother's Day and the family and Sandy have gifted me with flowers, cards, a rice cooker and most importantly, time together.  Yes, I might change the way I did some things, go slower, be more mindful but I wouldn't change choosing to be a mother, especially to these three remarkable people.  I've been blessed and at least now I can go slower and relish each and every moment I get to spend with them. 

Happy Mothers Day!

Expanding Your Gaze

Affirmation:  I choose peace and love.

Have you heard of Yogaville?  It is a yoga ashram located on 750 acres in Virginia.  It was founded by Swami Satchidananda.  The shrine, called the LOTUS was opened in 1986.  It's an acronym that stands for Light Of Truth Universal Shrine.  I was looking for something to do with my granddaughter, Isabelle (age 17), for my birthday because my husband, Sandy, had told me he would be traveling at that time.  Isabelle and I had been practicing yoga together for a while before this and I thought it would be a great adventure for us to share.  It turned out to be only a three-hour drive from our home.  I signed us up for a course called "Healthy Relationships in Yoga & The Path of Heart." 

God bless my granddaughter.  What a light she is and what a good sport!  The diet was strictly vegan and we were quite challenged to find something on which to focus other than kale and tofu.  Also, she was the youngest by about ten years.  Her youthful spirit and presence alone brought joy and smiles to everyone we encountered.  We laughed, we ate weird food, we met new interesting people and most importantly we created some wonderful memories.

One of the first things we were told when we arrived was not to miss seeing the shrine.  We were in the middle of nowhere and I envisioned a small concrete or wooden structure with maybe a Hindu deity in the middle.  The next morning we headed out to walk about a mile through the woods to take photos and see what there was to see.  We reached a road and followed it up a hill and then from out of the valley below rose a giant pink and blue lotus shaped building.  It was, I guessed, as large as the White House in DC but it wasn't white.  We were stunned.  It's one of a huge complex consisting of three buildings that started at the top of the mountain and ended down in the valley.  What would we find inside?

On Tuesday, February 2nd, 2015 Kate Cook was the yoga teacher at Fire Fly Hot Yoga here in Cary, NC. She leads an hour and a half Intensive Slow Flow class.  She's one of the best Yoginis with whom I have ever studied.  She is so precise in her language and she always brings a lesson with her to deepen our practice.   This last week she instructed us to gaze on the ball of energy we created when we cupped our hands and placed them in front of us.  As we breathed in our hands moved together, as we breathed out, they expanded. Then as we were doing our balance poses, she encouraged us to "change our gaze."

Normally, when one is balancing the instruction is to focus on one point.  In Yoga it's called a "drishti."  Kate reminded us that our mat practice is a metaphor for our life practice.  What we learn on our mats, we have the opportunity to take with us out into the world.  As far as I'm concerned developing balance is one of the most important qualities we can cultivate for ourselves.  I do like to remind myself, however, that as one yoga teacher said, "There is no balance, there is only balancing."  We are either coming into balance or falling out.  I know this is true for me.  As I stood there on one leg with my fingers wrapped around my big toe and my lifted leg straight out to one side, my drishti was on some unmovable object in front of me. Trying to stay upright and trying to remember to breathe, Kate then suggested we "change our gaze" and look in one direction and then the other.  I fell over and I tried again and I fell over and again.  I lost my balance.  Without a focus I couldn't stay steady with a focus I couldn't see the rest of the space.  Which is better?  I decided neither.  Sometimes one is needed and other times, a grater perspective is essential. 

It's good to be focused.  It helps me accomplish the tasks I set before myself but when it's limits my perspective on life, it shrinks my world into a smaller box and I need to get smaller to fit into it.  I don't want to be small.  At five feet tall, I'm small enough.  I want to take a big giant breath and expand my world to include all sorts of people, places and ideas.   Then I have to decide what to allow to stay with me and of what I want to let go.  What is "of God" and what is not.  What will enhance my life and what will diminish it?  It's a mediation, don't you think?  We are faced with this choice day in and day out.  Sometimes it's about food.  Sometimes it's about activities.  It can be about people and most certainly it's about our ideas, our beliefs, our concepts. 

The shrine in Yogaville is dedicated to all religions in the world, those that are well known and those that are yet to come.  There are twelve altars in the lower level with reminders of Judaism, Christianity, Hinduism, the Moslem faith and eight others. It was respectful and well presented.  It was a home for all, even the atheist.  My initial reaction was small minded but I prefer to be an inclusive person and Kate's recently taken yoga class helped me respond in a more open, accepting, non-judgmental mode. 

I'm reading Pope Francis' encyclical, "The Joy of the Gospel."  He too talks about accepting all faiths, not judging, even accepting the non-believers.  Peace.  I believe this is Peace.  I know we are instructed to "spread the good news."  We are actually commanded to do so.  The best way I know to do that is to try to always be a kind and compassionate person but when someone tells you they are right and you are "so very wrong," what is your reaction?  It's not normally a peaceful one, is it?  The course Isabelle and I took was led by two of the founders of Yogaville, Jeevakan & Priya Abbate.  They were kind, gentle, compassionate people.  I could see why so many are attracted to this place.  It radiated peace and acceptance.  One of the lessons was around the concept that, "We can be right or we can have peace."  I’ve also heard it phrased, "We can be right or we can love."  This is the difference between having a focus and seeing the broader picture.  

I'm a Christian.  I'm a Catholic.  Here I sit with a focus on Christ but for me, God is everywhere.  God is everything.  I am not here to limit God's unfathomable power.  Yogaville was a good place for me to share an adventure with Isabelle.  It was a great birthday weekend.  I was outside of my comfort zone.  I had to broaden my horizons and see God in all things, even within a giant pink and blue concrete flower rising out of the Virginia valley.

Christmas Miracles

Affirmation: I possess the Christmas spirit all year long.  

Miracle on 34th Street was released in May of 1947.  It originally had the word Christmas in the title but because of the release date it was removed.  How do I know this?  My husband, Sandy and I went to visit his mom, Yolanda, this last weekend.  She lives in Savannah, GA and they were having a fund raiser at the local original Savannah theatre showing Miracle on 34th Street.  We had all seen it many times and we knew it was delightful but we went simply to share the afternoon together and to support the Humans Society.  Once again, I was wrong!  Watching this classic, corny movie in the midst of a crowded theatre was a remarkably different experience than watching it at home alone or in a small group.  We laughed, sighed, applauded and shared all the clever and tender moments that has kept this film so meaningful.  

It's definitely a secular film.  There is no mention of a God or Christ, other than in the frequently used word "Christmas" but what I consider to be the spirit of Christmas permeates every scene.  Kris Kringle, The real Santa Claus only cares about making others feel valued, loved and important.  It's not about the physical gifts he's been told to promote, it's what they represent to the child or adult that is asking for them.  He brings people together for their betterment and the betterment of all.  He spreads his charm and good will like a net over everyone with whom he comes into contact.  He converts the unbelieving, skeptical Maureen O'Hara and her disenchanted child, Natalie Wood into people with imagination and faith.  He even converts the USPS.  

I saw a cartoon this second week of December, 2014 in the USA Today where two children were standing in front of Santa and asking for world peace and good will towards men.  He asked them if they'd consider an Xbox instead.  The news this week was so sad and tragic that I couldn't listen.  It only took a glance at the headlines to see the horror that we are perpetuating on our fellow human being.  Has the devil won?  Has "Satan" truly become the ruler of this world?  It would be so easy to believe we are at the end of times but it is Christmas.  It's a time to promote hope, peace and love for everyone whether one is or is not labeled "Christian."  We know what He came to do.  He came to show the world that we were put here to love and to serve and that I believe, is the one true truth.  He was here to raise our level of awareness to a higher purpose.  He wasn't concerned with the rules and regulations.  He was only concerned with the person and their well-being.  He was here to bring comfort to those who most needed it and to make uncomfortable those who are able to be of comfort.

I know there are many believers who believe theirs is the only way.  There's the joke about the Catholic, Baptists, Mormon, you choose, who arrive in heaven and ask St. Peter why he whispers every time he gets close to this huge wall that is there.  Why is there a wall at all?  He tells them that the Catholics, Baptists, Mormons, you choose, are on the other side of the wall and "they believe they are the only ones up here."  Oh, to be so sure.  To know that because you are right, you are saved and the rest of the world is damned and how truly sad.  I read a wonderful quote recently, "You can be right or you can love."   

One of my greatest strengths is my gift of perseverance.  I believe it's the reason I have accomplished most things in my life.  I truly believe if I simply "hang in there" I will learn or finish whatever it is I'm working upon.  The other side of perseverance is stubbornness and I am as guilty of that as I am proud of my determination.  Just ask my hubby.  This summer, for example, I wanted to walk a new path around Bass Lake in the NC mountains.  We headed out and after an hour we hadn't reached the lake yet.  Sandy reasonably wanted to turn around.  Turn around!  I couldn't even imagine it.  We hadn't even seen the lake yet.  Finally, a few minutes later we arrived.  I knew we were close.  I was right!  Now he reasonably wanted to go back the way we had come.  Go back the same way!  No no no!  We needed to follow the path and head up the other way.  I had been told it was the same distance.  I knew I was right!  He agreed and we got lost and four hours later, we finally found our way to our starting point.  

Sandy not only didn't leave me, he barely scolded me.  He lives a life of love, not right.  It wasn't the first time he's had to put up with my set thinking and I am here to confess he is not the only person in my life with whom I've exhibited this trait.  It's one of those personality shadows that interferes with the quality of my relationships and which I have only recently begun to understand.  Perhaps, this is why I've been granted these sixty eight years of life so I can continue to recognize how flawed I truly am.  What was Pope Francis' first message?  "I am a sinner, pray for me."  Oh, yes, we are all flawed but as long as we don't believe we are above or beyond anyone else, we can embrace our humanness and know that God created us just as we are.  She/He created the the miracles of this universe and we are, each one of us, one of those miracles.

Christmas is not an easy holiday for many many people but perhaps it's because the true meaning has been lost.  Christ is coming, God.  He comes again and again every year and I believe he remains with all those who choose to love, care and be of service to the world.  The Christ, the Savior is here in the hearts of all who know the importance of spreading the net of compassion and love over everyone whose lives they touch.  That miracle on 34th street is the miracle that can be ours should we choose to open our minds and our hearts to The Christ.

May you have a Blessed Holiday Season and a life filled with the awareness of God's love.

  

The Holy Plan

Affirmation: I trust and rest in God's Holy Plan.

What if we believed, truly believed with every fiber of our being, that we were here for a purpose, that we had a role to play in the creation of life? What if we knew that we were here on earth, living this life because a greater power needs us to serve His or Her mission for the betterment of mankind? How would that change what we do, what we think and what we say?

I would imagine that sounds like a sci-fi story. If not, it might sound crazy or irrational. If not that, perhaps it simply sounds like too much work and responsibility. I, however, have reached a stage in my life when I am ready to believe I am here for a purpose and I am ready to release myself to that purpose and let God take me where She wants me to go or perhaps, to stay.

My intention this year, as you may recall, has been to be "connected to the Divine." Once again, I didn't know what that meant but I loved the sound of it; I loved the feeling of it. It's been at the top of my journal page everyday now since January 1st. I know it's a mediation. I might feel connected or simply be aware of my intention for a short time or even just a moment, and then I leave. I head out into the "world" or even more often, simply into my world.

Recently, I read the phrase "Holy Plan." As soon as I saw the words, I knew that was my next intention. For some reason those two worlds brought me great peace. I felt my whole body relax, I was breathing deeper and easier. I began to carry the phrase with me all day long. It's there as I sit quietly wondering what and whom the day will invite and it's been there as I roam around participating in the many activities of my life. I fully recognize this does not mean nothing difficult will enter into my life or the lives of my loved ones but I still feel peaceful. I have this sense that all will work to my good, even the "bad." It's so comforting to me. Joel Osteen says, "With faith, what man has meant for our bad, God will make good." Maybe yes, maybe no but I sure feel better when I trust that Joel is right.

Other than a sense of calm and peace and even excitement, what results have I discovered from this new affirmation? I have been watching life more closely for opportunities to rest in the Lord and also to be His tool. I know that sounds a little weird and perhaps even obnoxious, believing that I can connect to The Divine and She will use me, me little Jean Anne Costa, to do some sort of life giving work for the world. Yes, there have been others who believed this and they were crazy! I don't think, however, that I've "lost it." Somehow, I feel I've found that for which I've been searching. I don't have visions of grandeur. I simply want to walk though the day and my life, bringing hope, peace, love, joy, and compassion wherever I can and not add to the fear and pain that is so prevalent in our world today. Does that sound unreasonable? When I carry that hope with me into every day, won't that make a positive difference?

I've been reading Mathew Kelly's, Rediscovering Catholicism and finding it to be very supportive of my faith and my general spirituality. I had two copies at my home and as I left the house the other morning I decided to take the extra copy with me. I had the thought that maybe someone would like to have it. I couldn't imagine who but I grabbed it and threw it in the back of the car. I had an appointment for a pedicure (Yea!) and before I headed into the shop I went to the trunk of the car to put on my flip-flops and there was the book. I already had the newspaper in my hand but I grabbed the book too. I didn't get to it. I fell asleep but I had laid it on the table next to me. Another patron looked at it and began to ask me about it. She too was a Catholic and really struggling with her faith and asked me about it. I told her I knew this sounded weird but I had it with me because I felt I was supposed to give it away. Would she like it? Yes, she would love to read it. I was awed. I felt like I had closely listened. I felt well "used." I felt Divinely used. I felt quite right. I knew that this was how I always wanted to feel and believed my 2014 intention had definitely clicked in. Wow, I thought, "I might actually be in the midst of the Holy Plan. How cool!"

No, the book episode has not been the only serendipitous event this year. There have been many and each one has left me feeling the same way, peaceful and awed. In an effort to increase my faith and strengthen my understanding and relationship with Jesus Christ, I developed an affirmation many years ago that is close to the top of my affirmation list. I know by meditating on Jesus throughout my day, I am in union with the Divine, miracles are created and without struggle my life is transformed in ways beyond my imagination. That's how I feel about life today. I'm 68 years old and there's a peace and a sense of excitement I can never before recall experiencing.

I share these affirmations and this revelation I'm in the midst of with you with the hope that a few of these sentences or words will resonate with you and you too, if you're searching, will find this same sense of peace and exhilaration, at least for right now and perhaps

Being Catholic

Affirmation:  I love being a Catholic

During this month, October 2014, the Catholic Church has been front-page news.  It's not unusual for the Church to be in the headlines.  It seems to me it's an easy target for criticism, especially in this day and time.  This time the initial news being reported was more positive.  Pope Francis called a synod, a group of bishops from around the world, and the discussion that came from that meeting was highly publicized.  It’s unclear if everything that was written about the meeting was true but that’s nothing new for the media.  The initial bent of the stories would lead most people to believe that the Catholic Church has decided to become more liberal. 

At St. Benedict’s Church in Linville, NC Father Christopher Gober’s homily revolved around the procedures that are required before the Church, or what I would prefer to refer to as the hierarchy, makes any changes in Church doctrine.  “It will take years.”  Well, it doesn't take a genius to figure that out.  The two thousand year old church has never been quick to make any changes.  It took them several hundred years to forgive Galileo who they excommunicated because he claimed the earth revolved around the sun.  With a history like that those of us, which includes me, who are ever hopeful that our church will become more open and accepting are not holding our breath.  But, there are some signs that our Church, the people who make up the foundation of our parishes may see a greater shift towards compassion and inclusion that hasn’t appeared to be the main focus until lately.

Before the synod ever began I was listening to a Tapestry podcast with Mary Hines called, Liars, Cheats and Sinners and the writer she was interviewing, described as a Roman Catholic thinker, Mary Gordon, said she didn't expect anything would be discussed that would make a difference for the laity.  She, however, I am pleased to say, was wrong.  Even if the doctrines are the same and it takes years, if ever, to make changes, Pope Francis seems to bring a whole different flavor to the meaning of our faith.  When the leader of an institution calls for compassion and inclusion, when a leader in an institution is humble and deferential and when a leader of an institution leads by example and not simply with words, the institution will reflect those qualities and that, it seems to me is Pope Francis.

I may be grasping at straws here, hoping that he will bring our church to a place where many times people feel as if they simply can’t ever get it right, where many people just find it too difficult to be part of such a restrictive environment.  I know in many ways the Catholic Church is a liberal institution if you compare it to many other fundamental faiths of the world but in my opinion some of the stands it takes on issues which affect so many of it’s faithful are just wrong.  My hope is Pope Francis will lead these men to a place of compassion and openness so that the fastest growing religion in the United States today is not “former Catholics.”

Our Church has so much to offer and because of all the bad publicity some of which is very justified, we aren't recognized for all our Church has done and continues to do to make this world a better place.  For example, the Catholic Church feeds, educates and tends to the health of tens of thousands of people a day.  The people they serve aren’t asked about their belief system or about their religion, they are simply helped.  Why isn’t that ever written about in the news? 

I once had someone tell me she was an Protestant because unlike Catholics she didn't have to leave her brain at the church door.  I can’t even imagine why someone would think it was all right to say that to anyone but trust me that's not true. I have carefully considered whether or not I want to continue to be a Catholic.  I’ve headed out many times; I’ve studied many faiths; I’ve read many different theologies.  I finally had to recognize that I was always called back to Catholicism. That's my home.  Maybe, just by being who I am I can make a difference in the way the church responds to some of these controversial issuers.  Certainly, I have a better chance than if I walked away, if I simply quit. 

I had one very powerful experience of asking God in prayer what path I should follow.  I didn't’ know how the answer would come but I believe in answered prayer and I did expect an answer.  The answer came in a dream.  Jesus floated down, He wasn’t very clear but I was pretty sure a white floating being was divine and He said, “Jean, I am the answer for you.”  I believed it then and I still believe it now.  I have a dear friend who has told me for years, “I don’t let the Church interfere with my relationship with God.”  That’s not good enough for me.  My Church needs practices and rituals that enhance and strengthen my relationship with God and with that, my relationships with my family, friends and even my enemies and it does provide those practices.  Unfortunately, the emphasis on Jesus' message of love and compassion gets clouded and our beautiful faith gets tied up in the rules and regulations.  

I love the Catholic Church.  I love being a Catholic.  Yes, I know it has zits and dysfunction.  What family doesn't?  I have chosen to stay in this family, this place where the people I interact with are more often than not, kind, generous, compassionate and loving. I'm still a Catholic because of my belief in the sanctity of the Eucharist and the rituals of the Mass and our seven sacraments and because it has led me to this relationship with Christ that sustains me in all things.

The last headline I saw about the synod before I wrote this said, "Pope Francis: 'God is not afraid of new things.'"  Yes, I believe we are presently in the hands and heart of a loving, compassionate person who will bring our church to a place of more acceptance and kindness; who will help our parishes become places of refuge and hope; who will guide the hierarchy towards being less rule oriented and more people oriented.  I'm not too hopeful about changes with the perception of women's roles but that's a whole other blog.  I do believe, however, that our Pope Francis hasn't left his brain or his heart at the door and I don't believe he expects us to live our faith and our lives without deep thought and commitment.