Throwing Away the Trash

Affirmation: I freely forgive myself and others.

The topic of the NPR story was about the abolition of the death penalty. What type of response do you have to the phrase "death penalty?" You must have given it some thought. The Old Testament promotes, "an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a hand for a hand, a foot for a foot." (Exodus 21:24) Then, Jesus came along and promoted a whole new concept, forgiveness. Even at the end when He had been unjustly toured and crucified He prayed for His executioners, for all of us, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." (Luke 23:24)

I think of this quote often. Someone once commented to me that He did not say, "Father, I forgive them for they know not what they do" or even "Father, I forgive them even if they know what they are doing." I'm sure there are many biblical scholars who have dissected these last words of Christ that are much more qualified to fully explain all the implications of His petition; I am not one of them. I am simply trying to absorb the lesson that even after Our Lord was put to death because some people did not approve of Him healing the sick, raising the dead, and protecting and promoting the care of those who most needed love and care; He refused to hold onto the burning coal of hatred. In His final moments He was teaching us His greatest lesson.

As I drove along that day the story being discussed on the radio was about the death penalty in China and the tradition that allows a family member of the victim to actively participate in the execution of the offender by removing the support from under the person who is to be hung. The narrator told of a young man who had been stabbed to death by another young man and the mother of the victim had chosen to perform the execution. She approached the condemned, reached up and slapped him and then reached out and helped him down from his perch. She then went over and took the hand of the mother of the condemned man. The story resonated throughout China and now it was being shared with the rest of the world. Because of her action, the Chinese authorities were reconsidering their tradition. Because of her act of forgiveness, some of the world's conscience was being awakened.

Why do most of us find it so difficult to forgive, me included? I am not normally angry. I'll get hurt before I respond with anger. Perhaps that's just another form of anger. Sometimes, however, I'm angry at institutions, authorities or systems. Sometimes I'm angry with individuals. I can be angry with strangers, friends and worst of all, with people I love. Some small injurious word or behavior and I can feel the resentment building. Most of the time just when I think I'm "over" something that has happened, I don't even realize I haven't let go of the perceived injury or intentional slight or harm but then some reminder comes along and I'm back with my sad response. I can recall events from decades ago that still cause my body to tighten up but most times I don't even recognize the emotion. Sometimes when the anger arrives the feeling puzzles me because it is so rare for me to respond in an angry manner. The point is, however, whether or not anger or hurt feelings come quickly or slowly, responding appropriately and then releasing it is not only to your benefit, but to the world's.

The question that sometimes comes to my mind is, "What do I know to be true; what do I believe absolutely with all of my mind and my heart?" "The only important thing in life is to love and to forgive." This is a quote from a wise older woman who was from my Small Christian Community. I believe with all my mind, body and soul that the above statement is absolutely true. Richard Rohr, one of my favorite spiritual teachers explains the Beatitudes in this way, "Jesus seems to be saying, our inner attitudes and states are the real sources of our problems. How we live in our hearts is our real truth." When I can carry only love in my heart and my body and when I can release myself from any resentment, my life is rich and rewarding and peaceful. My life is then filled with hope and joy and I am able to take those emotions, those qualities with me out into the world.

One of my morning meditations took me into a subway station. What am I doing here, I pondered? On the station were 6 briefcases evenly spaced along the edge. The train came and five people picked up a case and boarded. I went over to the sixth case and looked down. It had my name on it and so I opened it. It was filled with trash. It was filled with the resentments of yesterday, perhaps of my whole life? I carried it up out of the subway, found a trash can and threw it away. Perhaps like most of the garbage in my life, I need to gather those resentments up periodically and toss them out. Perhaps with practice, I can throw away all those resentments and other junk that interfere with the love and joy with which I want my life to be surrounded.

The Chinese woman in the story was changing the world because of her ability to forgive. I believe we are called upon to do the same and that with the softening of our hearts; we too will change the world.

The Path to Health; Forgiveness

Affirmation: I freely forgive myself and others.

What does it mean to forgive someone?  What does forgiveness look like?  Does it mean you must now become the offender’s friend?  Does it mean you must forget whatever happened that unsettled you or brought you pain?  Is forgiveness an emotion or a conscious decision?  Once you make that decision, are you done or is it a process?

Have you ever had something happen in your life that you could not let go of? Something that seemed to haunt you? Something that you were sure you had "gotten over" that kept appearing? Something that kept coming up even in your dreams?

Forgiveness is a topic that appears in all spiritual teachings and in many writings about improving one’s physical health. Of course, one can’t really separate the two. Forgiveness is a letting go of resentment and hurt.  It offers one the opportunity to let go of perceived or actual injuries and move forward.  It does not demand that you dismiss someone's poor behavior or that you and your offender need to continue a relationship.  It is not an emotion, it is a conscious decision and it can take a lot of work!

I can be fascinated by my own reaction to what I think is a “done deal.”  I’m sure I’ve put that issue behind me.  I’ve prayed about it, I’ve journaled about it and I’ve made a conscious decision to not hold onto whatever it is that has caused me pain, whether or not it was intentional.  “I’m good with that,” I tell myself and then something happens, there’s some recollection of the event and whoosh, I feel like I’m starting all over again and I probably am but if I’ve worked on it, I’m probably starting a little further up the spiral than in the beginning. 

The Buddhists say when you don’t forgive someone it’s like holding a hot coal in your hand and expecting it to burn the other person.  Christ’s main message was about love and forgiveness.  Even after he had been tortured and humiliated, He asked his Father to forgive His persecutors.  “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.”  (Luke 23:34) The one prayer he taught us, The Our Father, says, “...forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.”  One of the church studies in which I have participated, focused on forgiveness as a tool to bring one closer to God and at one of the yoga workshops I attended which was taught in the tradition of TIch Nat Han, the focus was also on forgiveness.

The Mayo Clinic has a whole web site devoted to how forgiveness promotes health and healing. (www.mayoclinic.com/health/forgiveness) There’s also a healing movement that encourages people who have lost loved ones to violent crimes to connect with the criminal and to offer an olive branch.  I cannot even imagine the fortitude and stamina that such a process must take but there are those amazing people out there who accomplish such a monumental feat.  

My book group read, The Girl in the Blue Dress by Gaynor Arnold Catherine Taylor. It's the fictional story of the wife of Charles Dickens. It created a great deal of conversation, which is one reason I am part of a book group. In the story this woman went about healing herself of every shred of animosity she had with regard to those who had mistreated her in her life. And, she was very poorly treated, even, some would say, abused. Her husband disowned her, made her leave her home and 6 of her 8 living children. Her sister took over the household and kept the family from contacting her. Her husband had what everyone thought was a mistress. Even after her children were grown, they did not connect with her. She had a lot to be angry about. She had a lot of justified reasons for resentment and she had quite a bit, as you can well imagine. But, after her husband died, she openly accepted those people in her family who wanted to make restitution. She didn't demand a thing from them, other than an open mind and heart. She even took herself to her husband's rumored mistress and made peace with her.

What do you think? Was she a weak, desperate person or was she wise and strong? Was she so used to being used as a doormat that she no longer knew how to stand up for herself, or was she so relieved to let go of years of loneliness and shunning? All I can tell you, is that I found her actions to make peace with her pain, inspiring. Oh, it's so easy to hold onto resentments, to work them over in our minds until we know we are right and our nemesis is oh, so very wrong, perhaps even evil. But, truly, when I do that, those emotions, those conversations I have with myself, don't disturb that other person in any way. The only one who is unsettled and disturbed is me.

One of my daily readings comes from a book called, Spiritual Insights for Daily Living.  I’ve discovered that some things have longer “tails” than others.  They can be draining and unsettling. Sometimes, I can't even imagine why these thoughts that keep coming up, have become so insistent, so obsessive. The reading from January 21st helped me with this issue. "I am now ready for a cleansing--getting rid of debris that I have harbored much too long. Anyone who at any time may have contributed to causing disharmony within me, I bring into consciousness and I see them clearly and honestly. As I visualize them, I say with feeling and complete sincerity: "I fully and freely forgive you."  

We are called to forgive “seventy times seven.”  (Matthew18:22)  One of my studies called the injuries we carry with us “wounds of the heart.”  We were encouraged to carefully look back on our lives and make note of every wound that had been inflicted upon us.  Certainly, I’ve been very lucky and didn’t see any reason to pursue this line of healing.  But, I would participate simply because I was part of the group and this was our assignment.  Once I cracked open the box that held all those wounds, I was stunned to see just how many were still in there.  I had things hiding in that box I hadn’t thought of in years!  Once the list began, I actually found some pleasure in making it.  Not only were old acquaintances on that list, but my church was there and once in awhile, God’s name came up.  Then too I found way down in the bottom, my own name.  So many things of which I had not yet forgiven myself. 

Wounds of the heart take up space, space that can be used for love and for compassion.  What to do with them?  Now that I could see them clearly, it was time to turn them over to God, an angel or two, maybe a spiritual guide.  I visualized my taking the list and folding it and placing it in a new box.  I closed the lid, locked the lock and placed it way up on a shelf that would take a lot of effort to reach.  I am surprised when I find it has popped open on its own and I have to reseal it. There are other more tangible techniques that you may choose.  One would be to actually burn the list. Do whatever it takes to begin the healing.  Yes, it takes me longer to let go of somethings than others. But, it really helps me to tell myself;  I freely forgive myself and others. I know by putting this affirmation into practice, I am happier, I am more peaceful and I am healthier. Truly, there are no justified resentments. Let them all go, especially, I repeat, especially the ones you hold towards yourself.