Growing in Faith

Affirmation:  Something wonderful is about to happen.

On Belleruth Naparstek's chemo tape she has a phrase she uses about getting a sensation that something wonderful is about to happen and about how you may have not felt this sensation in quite a while but right now you do.  Have you ever had a sensation like that?  That sense that something marvelous is coming your way?  I wonder if that happens when we are preparing for an event or a trip or maybe a change in our career.  Perhaps, it's that feeling when a loved one and you are to be reunited.  I know a change and new things can also bring with them a feeling of anxiety and maybe we get anxiety and excitement mixed up.  But, when Belleruth describes this marvelous feeling of expectation, I know it; I feel it. I fully recognize it even though I can't remember when I last felt that way and it feels good!

For the past several months I have had a growth in my faith experiences.  As I've shared before I have been "working" on my faith for many years ever since I met my evangelical neighbor, Shaun McLean in Cincinnati, Ohio and when shortly thereafter my father died.  When Shaun showed up at the back gate of my new home she proceeded to become a constant thorn in my faith.  I am so grateful to her for that nudging. She was so certain about her relationship with God and with Jesus Christ and I was a cradle Catholic who didn't feel sure about anything. I didn't envy her but I did find myself questioning, questioning, and questioning even more.  What did I truly believe? 

Let's admit it, the story of Jesus Christ, his birth death and resurrection is quite unbelievable.  It defies natural law.  I for one have had my doubts.  I have not been a compliant subservient faith- filled follower.  I wanted proof.  I'm sure if one searches for proof that the "Good News" is not factual, one will find answers supporting that premise but I chose to go the other way.  I've chosen to seek out reasons to believe.  I have also found that at some point if one is to truly have faith, one must set aside disbelief and just decide to have faith in the mystery.  I decided to believe. 

I've watched movies about the "facts" of His life and ministry.  I've read the bible and listened to lectures and homilies.  But, the reason I believe is because I want to believe.  I want to believe He came to change the world.  He came to teach us to love.  He came to eradicate sin and evil.  He came to show us, to show me unconditional love.  He came to prepare a place for me in the afterworld and to show me that this life is not the end.  This life is simply a transition before the next, before I can finally rest in a place of peace and pure love.  I want to believe this and so I do and once I made up my mind to accept this belief system amazing events have taken place to support my journey.   

My faith journey has led me many places.  It is not just about things related to my church.  I was reminded this week by Sister Judy Hallock one of the women who facilitate A Place for Women to Gather that our lives are interconnected with our faith.  If we are truly faith-filled people we cannot separate our mind, body and spirit.  Every aspect of our lives, every single one of them, is affected by our faith. 

 

I am on a continual search for a deeper, richer relationship with God.  I want to feel that peace that I believe comes when one connects to spirit but even more importantly when one develops a relationship with a personal God, not just some ethereal concept.  This last week I have been feeling that sense of expectation that I have not felt for a very long time.  Something wonderful is about to be manifested.  I haven't a clue what it is or how it will come or from whom but I can feel it.  The feeling is palatable and I am simply enjoying it and waiting to see what or who appears.

My faith journey this year has taken me to some amazing destinations.  I've shared some of them with you here in this blog but as the holidays approach and the end of the year comes closer, I find myself thinking about all that has taken place.  One of my affirmations is, "When I stay connected to the Divine, miracles occur and without struggle my life is transformed."  I think that's exactly what's been happening.  I don't know why I'm so surprised.  I've never created an affirmation and focused on it where it hasn't worked.  Never! 

 

Several months ago I discovered a new prayer that I've incorporated into my nightly prayers.  "Come Holy Spirit, fill the heart of Your faithful.  Enkindle in me the fire of Your love."  I found it to be a comforting prayer and truly the desire of my heart.  I think the Holy Spirit has accepted my invitation.  I'm always a little curious about where my faith journey will take me.  It shouldn't surprise me that it has brought me further into the fold of the Catholic Church.  I've gone off looking for alternatives many times but I'm always led back to the church of my birth.  Certainly, I have kept an open acceptance of other modalities. I've studied Reiki.  I practice yoga and I love the insights afforded me with the Enneagram.  I facilitate Artist Way programs and have attended many mediation sessions with leaders of different faiths.  I read many different books about different spiritual concepts.  All of these experiences have led me to a deeper faith and a greater awareness of a personal god. 

This year, however, has brought with it the additional gift of several new female friends who are practicing Catholics and it has been a wonderful, heartwarming experience.  We certainly are not all in the "same place" in our faith journey but there's no judgment.  We simply are accepting of our different stages, accepting and yet still supportive. There are many studies showing the healing qualities associated with belonging to a support group.  I feel like I've discovered a gift with the friendship of these women, the gift of being supported in my faith journey and I am grateful that this new community has added to this feeling that something wonderful is about to happen.  Now, there's an affirmation I can focus on and wait for it to come to fruition, "Something wonderful is about to happen."  The really cool part of this affirmation is I have discovered that that Something Wonderful is having this feeling of blessed expectation and that that in itself is just marvelous.

Answered Prayer

Affirmation:  I believe in answered prayer.

Faith, what does that look like to you?  My husband says it’s “trust on steroids.”  It has also been said the opposite of faith is not doubt but certainty.  I am not certain.  I have listened to others talk about their faith and their relationship with God or for Christians like myself, with Jesus.  I have heard the stories of the “born again.”  Many times I am filled with envy and always I am filled with quite a few questions.  My faith journey has been slow and steady, climbing up, slipping down, ever hopeful that I don’t slip below my last starting place.

I have not found it easy to be faith filled.  I have to work at it every day.  I appreciate being told, “It’s the work of a lifetime.”  I hope, too, that my lifetime is long enough to get me to a place where I can fully trust in God’s love and care for me and for my loved ones.

I love to read and hear the sermons about God’s bountiful love and care for us, His or Her children.  There are many preachers who see God as this entity that only wants what’s best for us.  And, they lead me to believe that His/Her best is also my best.  There is where the difficulty lies. I keep wondering where martyrs fit in this picture of divine love and care.  On February 22, 2011 a group of four Americans were captured and killed off the coast of Somali.  They were sailing around the world since December 2004, on the yacht of Jean and Scott Adams.  The Quest was their home, this couple from California.  The two other Americans on board were Phyllis Macay and Bob Riggle of Seattle, Washington.  When I first heard about Jean and Scott, they had been captured by pirates and were being held hostage.  They were then surrounded by the US navy and other helping vessels but, before they could be rescued, they were shot dead.

I was truly inspired by their adventurous spirit when I first heard the story of their mission.  I know there must be many people who have the same spirit and I just haven’t heard about all of them.  But, Jean and Scott were in their 70s and they were sailing to remote parts of the world to share the word of God.  Yes, I know a lot of people are missionaries and I am usually in awe of anyone who lives a life so far out of most people’s comfort zone.  They were not what I consider young and here they were so far from their support systems.  What would they have done if they got sick, or injured, or needed a dentist or as a friend commented to me, "If Jean needed a massage, or a facial?"  Obviously, their mindset was very different than most people.

But, if they died doing God’s work, as have so many martyrs, why should I believe that Jesus will take care of me?  Oh, yes, I would like to believe that.  We don’t get everything we ask for, sometimes it seems like someone isn’t’ even out there.  Thankfully, sometimes we get something even better than we could have imagined.  I can recall several specific times in my life when I was praying in general for one thing and something so much better came along.  It can take my breath away.  When my oldest daughter, Melissa, was a single parent we, her father and I, prayed daily for her well-being.  We didn’t know exactly what that would look like but we knew we didn’t want her and her children to endure undue hardship.  We were there for them in every way we could be but we wanted her to be able to care for herself and her children.  We wanted her to be independent and self-sufficient in every way possible.  Our prayers were answered beyond our wildest expectations when she met Larry.  Not only did she find someone amazing to share her life with but along with him came two wonderful new grandsons.

One day I was overcome with worry about my mom.  I was at a loss about how to help her and she was not capable of helping herself.  I was so overwhelmed with the responsibility that I simply turned it over to God.  I prayed, “Lord, I do not know what to do.  Please send help.”  Then, I waited.  It wasn’t long before the phone rang and right after that my family arrived, called and accompanied me to my mom’s home.  A new “on call” physician arrived and before I knew it, mom was feeling better.  I hadn’t even had time to stop and thank God for His/Her response.  As I reflected later, I began to see the blessings that had been sent and then I had to choose.  Was it just the universe stepping into support us?  Would it have happened even if I didn’t say a prayer?  Maybe, but I did pray and it gave me great comfort to believe the help we received was answered prayer.  I want to believe in answered prayer.  I know I will never understand it but I believe with every fiber of my being that prayer makes a difference.  If I can tap into the belief that my prayers are always answered, in a way that only benefits me, think of the peace that can be mine.  It has been promised, you know, Mathew 7:7 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”

I believe God never leaves me, if I ask Him/Her to be with me.  It is I who comes and goes.  I believe that through my faith, I will be able to deal with whatever life throws at me.  And, that whatever that is, through faith, it will be miraculously transformed into something good, maybe something great, something beyond my wildest imagination. I need to believe.  I have chosen to believe.  I have chosen the theology and doctrine that I grew up with.  It’s not perfect but it enables me to live life with less fear and anxiety than I could without it.  I believe it because I want to believe.  That’s what most of my affirmations revolve around, what I want to believe.   Yes, a loving caring God.  I know this question has been asked and examined many times around topics even more horrendous than what Jean and Scott endured.  Topics like:  war, famine, child abuse, cancer and other life threatening or debilitating diseases.  Perhaps, it’s not what happens to us, no matter how difficult; perhaps it’s how we perceive what happens to us?  Perhaps if we practice trusting God, we can go to our death with dignity and grace regardless of the circumstances, knowing that this life is temporary and because of our faith, because of my faith in Jesus Christ, I will share in the glory of heaven.  My faith and trust in Him, will secure me life everlasting, with Him and all the Saints and Angels.  That’s why I believe and why I am still working on it.