Attachment-The Third Klesha

Affirmation:  I love unconditionally, non-judgmentally and without attachment.

The homily was from John 12:20-33, “(25) whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will preserve it for eternal life.”  I must say I was a little worried by this scripture.  I love my life.  Does that mean I am destined to eternal hell?  I’ve worked really hard to reach a place where I can claim that.  I haven’t always felt that way and personally, it feels great.  According to the priest I was in deep trouble.  I really wanted to put my hand up and say, “Father, I don’t believe that.  Can we discuss this a little further?  I have a few ideas and I’d like to open this whole concept up for more discussion.”  Unfortunately, or perhaps, fortunately, that is not an option that I’ve ever seen claimed in the middle of mass.  Oh, I’ve seen people get up and walk out when they disagreed with what was being said but I’ve never (and I’ve been going to church for well over half a century) seen anyone ask for clarification during a sermon. But, that gave me the opportunity to look at this closer and to examine what I think Christ was telling us.  Most of His message is about one thing, Love.  So, how would this scripture be interpreted in the light of love? 

Have you noticed that we are creatures of habit?  Speaking of church, have you noticed that people always tend to sit in the same section, some in the same pew and others only in one specific seat?  Someone sat behind me one day and I heard her say in exasperation, “Someone is in my seat.”  Now, I’m not familiar with all the places of worship in the world but in the churches and synagogues I’ve been in, I’ve never seen a nameplate on the seat of a bench.  I am fascinated by this desire for certainty.  The gym I belong to has several types of fitness classes and there too people seem to need to be in the same place every time they attend a class.  One day, I watched a gentleman set up his equipment in an area he wasn’t aware “belonged” to another lady.  She came into the class and went over to him to tell him he was in her spot.  I was dumbfounded and I must confess I judged harshly even though it had nothing to do with me.  I was curious how this interaction would go and was charmed when the usurper apologized for not paying closer attention, thanked her for informing him and picked up his stuff and moved over.  I’ve also been in a similar situation in a dance class and couldn’t figure out why this woman who came in late kept stepping on my toes as we bounced across the gym floor until I finally realized I was in her spot. 

My main concern with this type of attachment is for my own well-being.  I’m afraid if I stay in the same place whenever I’m in a familiar locale, my mind will stop expanding, my neurotransmitters will get smaller and smaller and so will my whole world.  I know the importance of stepping outside of my comfort zone.  If I’m aware of my desire for routine, even small ones, like eating at the same place in the kitchen every morning or choosing the same food for lunch every day, and choose differently periodically, I know that adjusting to larger challenges will be easier and not only will my mind not shrink but my world won’t shrink.  I don’t want to live in a small world;  I’m all into keeping “green.”

There is a tale about a Buddhist monk who was being threatened by a civilian soldier.  The soldier shouted at him, “Don’t you know who I am?  Don’t you know I can take your life?”  The monk looked at him calmly and said, “Don’t you know who I am?  Don’t you know that I don’t care?” and then he slowly walked away.  That is not being attached.

Patanjali, the grandfather of Yoga claimed that by practicing the eight limbs of yoga one would be helped with conquering the five human afflictions that cause suffering (kleshas):  ignorance, egoism, attachment, aversion and possessiveness.  The third klesha, raga, attraction, creates in us a pattern of acquisition: we began to pursue human relationships, knowledge, wealth, status, power-anything which might be capable of enlarging and protecting our fragile individualized existence. But because change is the nature of creation, all objects within it are impermanent, and thus subject to loss at any moment.   (http://www.physics.udel.edu/~bnikolic/klesa.html)


In the March 1993 issue of Guideposts Magazine there was a short article by Catherine Marshall called Prayer of Relinquishment.  In it, she tells the story of Mrs. Nathanial Hawthorne, wife of the famous American author. Mrs. Hawthorne wrestled in prayer in the city of Rome one day in 1860.  Their oldest daughter, Una was dying.  As she urgently prayed for thier daughter’s healing a strange thought arose in her, she decided to let her go.  She prayed to God to take Una, if that was best. “I give her to Him.  No, I won’t fight against Him anymore.” According to the story, an even stranger thing then happened, minutes later she went back to their daughter’s bedside and found the girl sleeping naturally, without temperature or restlessness.  She was healed.

When I begin my yoga practice, I do three sun salutations.  In the first one I thank God, out loud, “for the beautiful new day” and as I reach for the ground, (uttanassana) I say “and I relinquish it to You.”  In the second one, I thank God for “this amazing life and I relinquish it to You” and in the third salutation I pray, “Thank You, Lord Jesus for this amazing, healthy, healing body and I relinquish it to You.”  Oh, yes I take it back over and over during the day but each morning I begin anew. 

This is the message I believe Christ was sharing with us.  We must die to self.  We must let go of all the stuff that we think we possess, because in reality it possesses us.  We are being called upon to believe in the goodness and ultimate care of a loving God, someone whom we can trust will care for all of our needs.  We don’t need to be in charge.  We don’t need to hold on tight.  We are being called upon to recognize that everything in our life, except God, is temporary and we are being told that when we can recognize and accept that principle, life will be more meaningful, we will be lighter and freer.   

Finding Your Calcutta

Affirmation:  I have searched and found my “Calcutta.”

“I can’t believe they pay me to do this.  I feel like I should be paying them.”  This was the statement my friend, Oie Osterkamp, made to me about his new position.  He’s the Executive Director of The Ronald McDonald House in Durham, NC (www.ronaldhousedurham.org).  He’s also the founder of a non-profit organization, Sharefish, whose title is taken from an adage his mother use to say to him, “It is better to be a Sharefish than a Selfish.”  His organization fights to reduce the cycle of poverty in Honduras by promoting better living conditions and education.   You can check them out at www.Sharefish.org.

What would you do regardless of whether or not you were paid?  Have you found your passion?  Have you been looking?  How many people have you met who know what that is?  I have several artist friends; painters, writers, designers who are very clear about their passion.  It’s something I’ve envied over the years.  I’ve also been envious of people I’ve read about who knew at an early age what their gifts were and were able to channel that into their life’s work.  One of the women who works at the North Carolina Food Bank once told me when she took her first job, with them, she had no idea she was finding her passion.  She’s been there over twenty years now. 

I’m not speaking about addiction here.  I’m talking about things that help light up your soul and your world.  You know what it’s like when the conversation turns to something that interests you.  All of a sudden, your heart is beating faster and there’s this sense of wonderful excitement that you may not have felt in a long time.  You know something wonderful is being brought forth.  All of a sudden, time stands still and you don’t care about what happened earlier or what you’re “supposed” to do later.

I often think of Mother Teresa when I think of finding my passion.  I know it wasn’t easy for her in any way to step outside of the box and head into the poverty and disease of Calcutta but she knew this was her mission in life.  She had listened carefully to what some may call “that little voice” but which she knew to be her God and followed her heart.  And, she changed the world.

I believe whenever we are doing something positive that brings us joy, we are changing the world.  It’s great if it’s something humanitarian but just by existing in a joyful state I believe we change the atmosphere of the universe. 

Last night I took part in what we lovingly called “The Sandy Summit.”  My husband gathered a group of amazing people for dinner and conversation to help him fine tune his passion, helping corporations and businesses become more humane.  He asked everyone to share their story with each other “and don’t be modest.”  It was wonderful to hear the accomplishments of these men and women.  It wasn’t about bragging; it was about being proud of the work they had done and were continuing to do.  Each person there was passionate about their work.  Many of them were out in the world making it a kinder, more compassionate place.  Sindy Martin, a dear friend, shared she had been asked by one of the local colleges to coach three young women who were being interviewed for PHD programs at prestigious universities and that all three had been admitted to their desired schools.  Everyone applauded!  It’s her passion, she said, to help others become the best they can be. 

I keep a little Hallmark calendar in the back of my journal.  You know the type, the little pocket calendar that people use to use before smart phones.  I separate each square with a diagonal line and in the top I write what I did the day before that gave me joy and in the bottom, I write what I did to help another.  When I don’t need the line, when the top and the bottom entry are the same, I know I lived a day filled with my passion.  I lived that day joyfully giving of myself, of my gifts to make another’s life better. 

That’s how I want to live every day.  I, personally, don’t believe I can do that without God’s guidance.  I’ve been listening very carefully for many many years and I believe on those days when I don’t put a line, those are days when God’s voice has come through loud and clear.  My passion is helping people reframe their thinking so that they believe their lives can be full of love, joy, hope, gratitude and compassion.  I believe if we practice directing our thoughts towards the things that nurture us, when we are faced with the severe challenges that life will bring, we will be able to withstand the evil energy that could penetrate into our souls and minds.  Joel Osteen says “What the world has meant for my harm, God will use for my good, if we believe.”  Believe God only wants our best, trust in that and create and meditate on your positive affirmations and you too will find yourself living a life of passion.  You too will “find your Calcutta” if you haven’t already!

Hope is a Choice

Affirmation:  The best is yet to come.

“Can you get to a place where you believe your best is in front of you?”  This is the question John Ramsey was asked by a friend years after the death of his daughter, JonBenet Ramsey.  He has a book out about his years of grief and recovery, John Ramsey’s Journey from Grief to Hope.  His young six year old daughter was a child beauty pageant queen and she was found dead in the basement of his home in Bolder Colorado in 1996.  The murder has never been solved and there has been an enormous amount written about the case.  He and his deceased wife and family were the target of the investigation for quite a while and were eventually cleared of the charges but doubts still linger. 

I don’t normally follow the sordid details of such stories but just by being alive and keeping up with current events, it was impossible not to know something about this sad story.  I’m not here to pass judgment.  Certainly, I know only the hearsay evidence to which I’ve been exposed and in my heart I want to believe in his innocence.  What I was struck with during his interview with Robin Roberts on Good Morning America was how very sad and tragic this entire story is.  It made my heart ache. 

But, back to the question, I’m sure it’s a question many of us could ask ourselves at many times in our lives.  We have or are going through a really difficult time, a challenging experience and we can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel.  We think this is it; life will always be this grim and difficult.  What does it take to find the ability to turn that around?  Hope, it takes practicing the characteristic of hope. 

Oh, there have been times in my life when hope was missing and who’s to say that that won’t happen again.  But, it’s so wonderful to be with people who give and share their hope when everything looks so dark.  Have you had that experience?  My father and father-in-law died of brain tumors, the same rare type, twenty years apart, a glioblastoma.  I had hope with my dad.  I knew so little.  When my father-in-law was diagnosed, I gave up immediately.  I knew the results.  I’d already experienced them.  But, Joe, my father-in-law was treated at Duke by Drs. Henry and Alan Friedman. (They are not related.)  And, the motto of the Preston Robert Tisch Brain Tumor Center is “At Duke there is hope."  It was inspirational to be with the people who worked there.  They really believed they could cure him.  They believe they can find a way to eliminate this disease and while I must tell you, Dad died, so many more have lived.  They have lived and they have thrived.  There are many stories of people who are living long and wonderful lives because there are people at Duke who believe that they can make a difference and who have made a difference.

Hope is a feeling of positive expectation.  How can one go from despair to hope?  Can one go from despair to hope?  Yes, I believe they can.  Sometimes we may need others to help us.  I remember a woman who was going through breast cancer treatment telling me that if her friends hadn’t pulled her up out of the dark pit she was in, she didn’t think she’d ever have gotten out.  But, also hope is something we can develop, like a muscle.  We can practice it when we’re not in such dire straits.  We can practice believing “The Best is yet to come.”

There’s a book out about The Emotional Life of Your Brain.  It revolves around what is being called “The New Science of Feelings.”  One of the examples of the neuroplasticity of the brain talks about virtuoso musicians and how the part of the brain that involves the movement of the fingers, is larger for them.  It also refers to a study where adults were asked to pretend practice the piano for several weeks and they found they too had enlarged that part of the brain. 

So, as adults we can still change the condition of our brain if we choose.  I know with the epidemic condition of Alzheimer's many of us are concerned with the health of our brains or those of our loved ones.  It was once believed that adult brains were fixed, permanent and change could not take place.  It’s nice to know they were wrong.  And, once again, it shows the power of choosing and creating our thoughts.  We get to expand those parts of our brains that support our desires to live more positive lives. Remember that which you think about, you bring about.  We can choose to tell ourselves “The best is yet to come” and rest in the knowledge that our brains are receiving that message, our bodies are responding and our innermost desires are being completely supported.

The Fabulous Female

Affirmation:  I treasure and celebrate my femininity.

I was in my late twenties when I read The Feminine Mystique by Betty Friedan.  I remember being stunned to find out there were other women who felt the same frustration I felt.  I was not alone.  I was already married and had one child and had left my teaching position and the only area of New York I had ever lived in and had followed my husband to a small town in upstate New York so that he could pursue his career.  It seemed like a logical move.  I had worked for a few years to help support our tiny family while he went to school and finished his pharmacy certification.  We now had a new baby and he had a new job and I was ready, I thought, for a new adventure.  I didn’t have a clue what I was getting myself into.  Oh my!  There I was in a new town and I knew no one, No One!  And, I had a new baby, I was unemployed, my husband left every morning for his job and it was snowing.  It snowed all the time, 110 inches on the average every year. 

It was the 70’s and the woman’s movement was in full bloom but I was off in my own little world wondering what the heck was going on in my life.  And then I met a few other women who were wondering the same thing and we began to talk about it and read about it.  Oh, we didn’t burn our bras or go out and picket the legislature but there was a growing sense of awareness about where we now found ourselves but that we never had before explored.  One of the elements of this self discovery was how many choices we now seem to have and also a certain sense that it wasn’t enough to be “only” a wife and mother.  This raised a lot of questions in my mind and also brought on a life-long struggle to find the best place for me to fully express myself; a place of balance between motherhood, wifedom and self-sufficiency.  I’m there now, 40 years later.  It’s been an interesting journey but finally, I’ve arrived. 

March 8^th of every year is International Woman’s Day.  March has now been officially declared International Woman’s Month.  I celebrated this year’s day with over one hundred other women and at least one man.  Sister Mary Margaret and Sister Judy from A Place for Women to Gather threw a party and what a wonderful event it was.  There were all ages, races, sizes and shapes and we had all come together to give thanks and praise for being a woman.  It was a reminder of our grace and beauty and also of the price so many brave men and women have paid for us to live the lives we are able to live today.  Oh, let’s never forget the cost of the freedom we have.  It wasn’t that long ago that even here in the United States women couldn’t vote, had limited availability to education, didn’t receive equal pay for equal work and weren’t valued for their contributions to society. 

This was a time to acknowledge and remember the abusive treatment of women that still exists in the world today.  It breaks my heart and makes my skin crawl when I read of and am told about the atrocities that so many women are subjected to in so many parts of the world.  And, don’t think because you may not live in a third world country that it isn’t going on in your part of the world.  It’s going on around the corner, down the street and maybe as close as next door.  But, as far as we need to go to eliminate such abuse is as far as we have come.  This month is our special time to create awareness and to celebrate our femininity.  Don’t forget the rights and privileges we have earned in such a short period of time and the price so many have paid to bring us to this place in time. 

In my study group one of the questions we asked ourselves was, “What other time and place would you have liked to live in and would you prefer to be a man or a woman?”  Think about it.  What is your answer?  We then had the opportunity to discuss what it was like to grow up as a woman in our families.  I am the oldest in my family and my father desperately wanted a son.  He didn’t get one until twelve years after I was born.  I remember his joy.  I was glad it took me so long to fully realize how important it was to him to sire a son.  Up until then, I simply felt like the favored child and for some reason I felt I could do anything.  But, societies restrictions were very heavy and I fell into the role somewhat expected of a young woman.  The saving grace was St. Agnes Academic High School for women.  The women there didn’t know about limits.  Many of my teachers had masters degrees and doctorates and many of my fellow students were looking at careers in medicine and government.  I remember looking around and wondering why I wasn’t pursing a college education and then, because of their examples, I did just that and without any help or guidance from anyone applied and was accepted to St. John’s University.  And, because I didn’t know any better, I applied to the Mathematics program.  There were five women in that program; five women and about fifty men.   

I’m a lucky woman, a very very lucky woman and I don’t want to forget it.  I am my own person.  I get to choose all things in my life, All Things.  I chose my path in life: educations, religion, spouse, career and my government officials, all because of the brave men and women who went before me.  And, now, it is up to us, all of us to pave the way for the rest of the women in the world.  What is the first step?

We must recognize and celebrate our gift of femininity.  We must bring that feminine energy and spirit fully into our world and into the world.  Claim your feminine power and beauty.  Embrace fully your precious wisdom and sensuality.  Know you are an amazing creation.  You can bring forth life for heaven’s sake!  You are a miracle.  Let all the earth shout with joy, “This is woman, honor her and love her.”

Worry and Anxiety

Affirmation:   I avoid all thoughts that weaken me.

Do you ever feel anxious?  Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night with so many things on your mind you can’t get back to sleep?  If you don’t you must already have developed a system that keeps you calm and centered.  It’s not something you can develop when you’re in the throes of what is or appears to be a crisis.  It must be something, some tool you’ve created and use regularly when you are calm.  Then when you are not feeling calm, you use that tool and your body responds with the conditioned reflex, relaxation.

I had a friend tell me that he had a mantra (a repeated phrase or word) he used every time he was at the airport (one of his most stressful environments) but it really didn’t seem to make any difference.  He didn’t see what purpose it served.  He never felt any calmer.  I asked him if he used this tool at any other time and he said, “No.”  Can you see the problem with this?  Every time he found himself stressed, he repeated the same phrase.  He conditioned his response to anxiety.  He needed to practice his mantra when he was feeling calm and centered. 

People I know use meditation to create this sense of peace, others use prayer.  Many in the catholic faith say the Rosary, a set of Our Fathers and Hail Marys that are repeated over and over while moving one’s fingers along a set of beads.  Many meditators finger beads called mala beads while they repeat their mantras. 

When I was going through radiation, it was an extremely stressful situation and I was very anxious.  I also didn’t feel too well so that added to the anxiety.  One of the Duke Cancer Patient Support Counselors set up an appointment with a nurse practioner named John Seskavitch.  In my experience John was a unique nurse.  He focused on healing the whole person; mind, body and spirit.  He had already created several meditation tapes and sponsored many mind-body workshops.  He sat with me and asked me about my faith, my practices and then suggested I repeat the Hail Mary during treatment. 

My walks take me around Apex Lake, a beautiful path close to my home.  I’ve walked it for over twenty years and often use the quiet time to say the Rosary.  I dedicate each decade (a group of ten Hail Marys and one Our Father) to a specific group of people; my family and friends, my church group, the support people in my life, all those special intentions I have in my heart, our military and their loved ones and our world leaders. (I figure they could use all the help they can get with the condition of the world today.)  As soon as I lied down for my radiation treatment after that first session with John, I was no longer anxious.  I was on that path around Apex Lake!  The sun shimmered on the water, the geese and ducks called out, the great Blue Herons stood perfectly still in the water, people nodded and said, “Good Morning!” and I was calm and all was well.

I once read about someone who kept a “worry box.”  All week long, if something came up that he was concerned about, he would put it in the box and he’d tell himself that he’d worry about it on Friday at 5 PM.  Each Friday, he’d go to the box and lay our all his concerns.  What do you think happened?  Most of his concerns had been addressed, had been resolved.  Part of my journaling practice is to look back each month and do a general review of how my life went.  One of the questions I ask myself is, “What was something I worried about that I don’t worry about now?”  There’s always an answer that reflects something that’s been resolved or even more profound, something that never even came into reality. 

George Burns the famous comedienne once said he never worried; it was a useless waist of his time. “Why would I worry about something I can do something about?  I’ll just go do it.  And, why would I worry about something I have no control over?”  Really, isn’t that a futile exercise in self-absorption? 

Not worrying takes practice.  If you’ve developed the worry habit, you can develop the habit to not worry.  You can find some tool, some process that will effectively help you control your anxiety.  One of those tools is affirmations.  “I avoid all thoughts that weaken me.”  Turn your thinking around.  Use your quiet time to assure yourself that all is well, all is well!  Take God’s peace and love and your sense of well-being with you out into your life and into the world.  It’s the work of a life-time but it’s well worth it, don’t you think?