Being a Victim

Affirmation:  I rest in the inquiry. I stand in my power.

The young woman named Dina (She was one of our tour directors.) was giving the description about Austria and she was clever and quite funny.  She came from Vienna and because of that I felt very comfortable when she described a "typical" Austrian.  "We are a people who always feel like we are being victimized.  Tell me a tale about one of your problems and I will tell you one about myself that is worse than yours.  We have a black cloud always hovering above us.  The good news is we don't take ourselves too seriously, so we can laugh at our problems."  I was fascinated.  I wondered why the Austrian people had this impression about their lives.  Was it nature or nurture?  Certainly they had been through some terrible times.  The tales we heard about the experiences of the people of Eastern Europe were beyond sad and extremely disturbing.  I wondered if all the people in countries that had experienced horrible historical eras had the same general sense of being victims?  What about Russia, Estonia, Slovakia, Hungary, Poland, North Korea or Japan?  How about Vietnam?  What about the mid-east or some parts of Africa?  Do the people in all of these areas of the world feel like victims. 

I don't like to classify an entire population into one category but certain characteristics do seem more prevalent in some cultures than in others.  For instance when my husband, Sandy and I traveled through Ireland, we discovered the Irish people love to help lost travelers.  They certainly loved helping us.  We were always lost and they couldn't do enough to get us back on the right road.  We stopped to talk to one fellow out in the county side who stopped mowing his lawn to give us directions and just about invited us in for tea.  I'm sure if I named a nationality, you would come up with an adjective or two that you believe described them.  How about the Italians, the Japanese, the Germans, or the Latinos?  Did a couple of words pop up for you?

There have been times in my life when I could have felt like a victim.  I remember people asking me if I wondered why I had developed breast cancer.  Did I rail at God, "Why me, Lord?"  No, I did not.  It never occurred to me to even ask that question. Dr. Mark Graham told me it wasn’t anything I did or did not do; it was a “random act of violence.”  That might have made me feel even more

vulnerable, but for some reason it may have brought me a sense of peace. The thought came to me after listening to our guide that I probably don't have any Austrian blood in me.  I couldn't imagine living a life where I always went around feeling victimized.  How would that improve the quality of my life?  I think I'd be a real grump and a very unhappy person.  It certainly wouldn't fit in with my concept of creating an intentional life, a life of peace and love, joy, compassion and gratitude. However, upon more careful consideration, I realized there have been many times in my life when I found myself feeling powerless, small and insignificant.  At those moments I did not step up and out.  I did not claim my power and even in the midst of "random acts" we still have choices.  We still have the opportunity to decide how we perceive our situation and what we are going to do or not do.   

I asked Dina, sometimes referred to as "Dina Marie" and her coworker, Scott, whose home is in China, if in their travels they had noticed this victimization attitude in other countries where the people had experienced years of suffering and repression.  They said they hadn't really thought about it.  The documentary The Singing Revolution takes place in Estonia.  It was an excellent film depicting life in Estonia through the last hundred years and it presented a people who even though they were suffering, decided to continue their ancient tradition of a mass sing-along.  It presented a picture of hope and positive behavior even during these more than difficult times.  

I've read and watched a lot of stories about WW I and WW II and about man's inhumanity towards man, especially about the horrors committed against the Jewish people.  As we traveled through Eastern Europe and listened to the guides describe the situations which caused the deaths of so many people, thousands upon thousands, or through which they lived, I began to understand why the people in these countries would still feel a sense of travesty and powerlessness. To be completely honest,

however, I know, with a capital "K" that I have never experienced the repression and torment that so many in the world have in the past or are presently experiencing.  I probably cannot even imagine the horrors that are taking place.  On our last evening of this trip, Scott, also affectionately know as "Scotty Boy" left us all with this advice, "Now that you have traveled this part of the world, maybe the next time you see or hear of something distressing that they are experiencing, you will feel a deeper connection, a greater sense of compassion."  He mentioned that one way to break down the barriers of prejudice and hatred is to be exposed to another's culture.  I am hoping that faced with such struggle, I could muster enough strength perhaps because of my relationship with my God, that I would not perceive my situation as hopeless.

The lesson here for me is that we always have a choice about how we want to perceive our situation. The more I thought about this feeling of being a victim, the more I realized it is not unusual for people to perceive themselves as victims even if they have never lived in a war torn country.  As far as the people I know most have lived in the US and are part of the blessed minority like myself who have not gone through the horrors of war and oppression.  The people I’ve met who perceive themselves as victims, are the people who believe that whatever happens to them is totally beyond their control; there in nothing they can do about it.  They don't or can't recognize that even in the most dire of situations we can choose to believe that we at some point can affect change.  Our sense of purpose and power lies within us, not beyond our control.  Daily we are called up to look at our attitudes and to examine our beliefs and then to rise up and to claim our power.  If we practice daily, in the smaller things of life, perhaps if and when we are faced with the larger, more daunting events we will be able to “rest in the inquiry and stand in our power.”

Choosing Your Words, Creating Your Thoughts

Affirmation:  The words I choose affect every aspect of my life.  I choose mindfully.

The question I've been asking myself while preparing for the September 9, 2014 Barnes and Noble signing has been, "What makes you think you're someone who can inspire or motivate another to live an intentional life?"

Truth to tell, I am simply another human being probably a lot like you who is trying to live a rich, giving, compassionate life.  My mission statement for my life is, "I live a Christ centered life of love, peace, joy, hope, gratitude and compassion."  And, everyday I have to remind myself of it and of how I want to live.  I've written before of my desire to be loving, forgiving, nonjudgmental, non-grasping and compassionate.  It's a meditation.  It's something I have to keep in mind everyday, sometimes every moment.  Do I?  Of course I don't. 

I know I'm not an expert on human behavior.  I have studied it for many years and I've worked with a lot of people in many different capacities.  One of my first loves is a study group.  I facilitated my first study group at Barnes and Noble in Cary, NC around 20 years ago with another MSW, Jane Cook.  We presented the book The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron.  We had around 35 people participate for the twelve-week session.  I've either facilitated or participated in hundreds of groups since then.  From my observation I would propose that most people are trying to find a way to live a more fulfilled life.  What that takes is of course different for different people so I don't claim that I can offer everyone that opportunity but there are some basic skills available to most of us and using our words to shape our thoughts and therefore our lives, is a very powerful one.

I recently had a women ask me if I'd read Ten Percent Happier.  I have not.  She explained to me that the author's secret to a happier life was meditation and he shared that approach in his book.  He felt he became at least 10% happier because of his practice.  I believe it.  He therefore, felt a desire to help others find this same sense of well being.  I think we can definitely improve the quality of our lives by meditating but while it's simple, it's not easy.  It's takes practice.  It takes discipline.  It's no different than exercising the body.  It's exercising the mind.  In fact it's easier to exercise the body than it is to quiet the mind.  What I am proposing, however, is something that almost anyone can easily put into practice.  I don't mean for it to be a substitute for meditation, certainly not a substitute for prayer, but another tool to be utilized in the search for a better existence.

We are all talking to each other and ourselves all the time. With just a little effort we can start carefully choosing the worlds we use.  You know what I'm saying.  In fact, it's probably easier to shape the words we use to describe events and others than it is to shape those we use for ourselves.  We can be our own worst enemies.  I have a long list that I've collected of negative self-talk phrases.  Things I've heard people say to themselves or perhaps I read somewhere.  For example:  "I am so stupid!"  "I am such a klutz!"   "I just never seem to get it right."  "I just can't make any friends."  "I never have enough money, time, energy, etc."  "My right leg, arm, hip, etc. is my bad one."  The list I've compiled has about one hundred negative phrases.  Two others that don't sound negative but have that effect are, "I am right!" and "I can do that better."  Those two statements may be vey true but I'm here to tell you (and I know I'm right!) most people don't want to be around someone who has all the answers and who willingly will tell them how to do something better, even if they've been asked. 

So, I'm not here to give you any answers.  I am here to propose questions and to tell you what has worked for me with the same hope as the author of Ten Percent Happier.  I want to share the practice and the words that have made my life better, not perfect, but definitely better.  The positive affirmations I have created for myself and that I write about here and in my book, Creating Positive Affirmations, Living An Intentional Life, have improved the quality of my relationships, my health, my work and perhaps, most importantly, my faith.  They aren't designed to improve your life.  They simply serve as an example of what has worked for me and in case your searching, what may work for you.

My dear friend, Joanne Dawe shared her wisdom with me many years ago when we spoke about using positive affirmations.  "They have to work," she said, "I've been using negative affirmations for years and they've always worked."

Following Your Destiny

Affirmation:  I am following my destiny.

At 7:00 p.m. on September 9th of this year, 2014, at Barnes and Noble in Cary, NC., I'm going to have a book signing of my book, Creating PositiveAffirmations, Living an Intentional Life.  It's my first event of this type and I've been asking others for advice about what to say.  Most people tell me to explain why I wrote the book.  The book has developed from writing this blog, Creating Positive Affirmations.  Why did I begin writing a blog?  I didn't know how to blog and to be honest I'd never even read a blog but I understood the concept and I had found such strength and peace by creating my affirmations, I wanted others to have that same sense of well-being.  I began writing with the hope that I would make a positive difference in other lives.  I decided that even if my writing only helped one other person, I would consider it a success.

Have you ever had the seed of an idea that you nurtured and then saw it grow?  I believe we all have had the experience of getting an idea and wondering if it's worth investing in.  I'm sure there have been both good and bad ideas that people came up with and went ahead with.  Have you seen the movie or the play The Producers?  It revolves around two men whose idea it is to produce a flop of a play in order to keep all the investment money.  To them it seems like a great idea and they go to all sorts of lengths to make sure the play will not succeed.  They buy an offensive musical script about Hitler, hire a terrible actor to play the lead and get a group of inept performers for the chorus.  It's so bad, it's funny and it becomes an immediate success.  Now, they are in trouble.  It's one example of a bad idea.  Certainly, there are many other examples of bad idea especially those terrible ideas that injure another in any way.   

There are, however, many many examples of good ideas.  Have you see the car commercial when they show all the great businesses that began in a garage?  Amazon, Apple, Google, Disney, Hewlett Packard, Mattel and Harley Davidson are just a few, not to mention all the famous bands that began in garages.  I find it inspirational that some people are willing to listen to those inner urgings and follow through with creating something new and wonderful.   

I've had at least two obvious times in my life, other than when I chose to marry Sandy, when I followed that inner voice, or maybe God's voice and seen something wonderful come about.  The first of these was the creation of the Pink Ribbon Yoga Retreat.  At the time of this entry we are just finishing our tenth retreat, thirty four women breast cancer survivors attended for four days at the NC beach.  The seed of the idea was planted in me and it must have been meant to be because once it began to take root, it grew and grew until we now have this wonderful yearly event to benefit any woman who wants to come who has been treated for breast cancer.  It's been miraculous. 
 

The second time was when I kept writing this blog until I had enough entries to put together into a book.  I've listened to many people share their desire to write a book.  I never had that desire.  While I love to sit and journal, that's just for me.  It's my way of centering, clearing and focusing.  I don't concern myself with the grammar or the punctuation.  I just write.  I love the feel of the ball point pen on the paper and watching the miracle of the words appearing on the paper.  Writing for an audience was never part of my plan but here I sit   Sometimes there are things we are simply supposed to do.  I am supposed to write about affirmations.  I am supposed to share with others my failings and fears and challenges and how I've come to not just handle those imperfections, but how I am able to neutralize them or perhaps even turn them into blessings.  I consider myself to be a fairly normal average person and I believe if I can make myself better off because I've found a way to perceive life from a positive perspective, most people will also be able to accomplish that and if I can be of service to even one person and maybe to many more, then that's what I'm supposed to do and so I write. This is my 185th blog post.

I write with the hope that I lift the spirits and the hopes of anyone who chooses to take the time to read these pages, who chooses to read my book.  I write because I feel like it's my responsibility, my mission, my destiny.  I know I cannot cure the world but I can offer what I have learned about hope and about the the tools necessary to live a fuller, richer more blessed life.  May these words and stories do just that for you.  May they give you the gifts of peace and strength and make the world seem less onerous and more beautiful.  May these words empower you and may they help bring you to a place of serenity and hope. 

Book Signing Event

Being Worthy

Affirmation: I am worthy.

What determines the worthiness of a human being?  In 1997 the movie Gattica came out staring Ethan Hawke.  It was a sci-fi film about genetically altering the human fetus towards a specific occupation.  A child who was born without this alteration was considered "imperfect" or "inferior" and that human was deigned useful only for menial jobs.  Ethan was one of those children born without the advantage of the sophisticated science of the time.  He was not happy with his pre-determined role and the movie revolves around what he needs to do to give the illusion of being one of the perfect people.  As we all know, the science fiction of today has often become the reality of tomorrow.  With genetic testing widely available and with the mapping of the Gnome, the theme of Gattica may not be too far removed from the very near future. 

When I've facilitated programs about creating affirmations people are encouraged to create phrases that do not have any negatives in them.  A few years back, however, I had one person who had had a very difficult childhood and she decided she was going to use "not" in her affirmation because it was the best phrase to help her feel better and so she did.  Most of the time when we use a negative in an affirmation, our brains ignore the negative and we wind up doing or feeling exactly the opposite of what we had intended. She decided she did NOT need to do anything more or be anyone other than who she was to be of value.  When she shared her affirmation it was obvious to everyone present that it was going to have a powerful impact for her even with the word "not" as part of it.

Recently I was involved in an activity that was more than humbling.  I was actually embarrassed by what I perceived as my poor performance.  (If you've been following this blog you can probably guess what I was doing.) I then became annoyed with myself for judging myself so harshly.  For me this was another experience that made me wonder, what determines the value of a human being? 

When someone is asked, "What do you do?" the answer generally generates a visceral response in both the questioned and the questioner.  Have you watched the physical response of both parties as this question is presented, have you observed yourself?  I've seen the persons being asked sometimes "puff-up", stand taller, perhaps their shoulders go back.  I've watched some people slump over, maybe step back as if they're preparing for battle.  Then there's the person's response when the answer is given.  For example, if the answer is, "I'm a brain surgeon" most people would probably have a different response than if the answer was, "I'm a trash collector."  We generally judge and many times value an individual based on what they "do." 

I am fascinated by society's value determination of occupations.  As far as I'm concerned if people were financially rewarded for their services based on how they benefit society, sports persons would not be making millions of dollars while teachers eek out a living.  Movie stars would not be some of the richest people in our country while those who care for the sick and elderly barely make minimum wage. 

Where am I going with this?  I want everyone to feel valued simply because they are a human being.  My friend was right.  We don't need to do anything more or be anybody special to be worthy.  We need to value each person simply because they are a creation of God.  If we don't do that it would mean that the sick, the infirm, the elderly, the mentally ill are of no value.  It will mean that someday society will allow science to genetically alter or design a human being and those that don't come out "perfect" will be relegated to a subservient place or even worse destroyed.

My faith, the Catholic Church, promotes the sanctity of life from the womb to the tomb.  I know this is not a popular concept and I understand how people because of dire circumstances sometimes want to be in charge of who lives and who dies and when, but it seems to me it's a slippery slope towards devaluing the human being and life itself. 

Several years ago I was invited by a dear friend, Ann Baucom, to join her and a group of women in developing a personal "charter of compassion."  I came up with six steps: Pray, Embrace Silence, Listen for God's voice, Affirm what is important to me, Release it into God's care, and Love, non-judgmentally, non-graspingly and unconditionally.  When I shared this charter with a friend, she thought it was too self-centered and not enough other-centered but I feel I can't affect any change in the world until I change myself. 

Each human being is a masterpiece, no matter what the flaws.  The flaws can add color, depth and texture.  We are each a precious treasure and with that concept we should know that we are worthy; worthy of respect, worthy of love, worthy of all the good and prosperity of a Divine creation.  Once we believe in ourselves, we will posses the wherewithal to give back to the world.

We can be of service by simply knowing God is always with us and She is leading us and guiding us.  If we are listening we will do it with love and honor and compassion.  We are of service if daily we rise with the intention to bless the world in our thoughts and words and deeds. We can impact the world regardless of what we do or, are unable to do if we simply hold our fellow man or woman in our thoughts with blessings and love. I am a perfect being created by a loving God regardless of what I do or don't do and so are you!