Being a Victim

Affirmation:  I rest in the inquiry. I stand in my power.

The young woman named Dina (She was one of our tour directors.) was giving the description about Austria and she was clever and quite funny.  She came from Vienna and because of that I felt very comfortable when she described a "typical" Austrian.  "We are a people who always feel like we are being victimized.  Tell me a tale about one of your problems and I will tell you one about myself that is worse than yours.  We have a black cloud always hovering above us.  The good news is we don't take ourselves too seriously, so we can laugh at our problems."  I was fascinated.  I wondered why the Austrian people had this impression about their lives.  Was it nature or nurture?  Certainly they had been through some terrible times.  The tales we heard about the experiences of the people of Eastern Europe were beyond sad and extremely disturbing.  I wondered if all the people in countries that had experienced horrible historical eras had the same general sense of being victims?  What about Russia, Estonia, Slovakia, Hungary, Poland, North Korea or Japan?  How about Vietnam?  What about the mid-east or some parts of Africa?  Do the people in all of these areas of the world feel like victims. 

I don't like to classify an entire population into one category but certain characteristics do seem more prevalent in some cultures than in others.  For instance when my husband, Sandy and I traveled through Ireland, we discovered the Irish people love to help lost travelers.  They certainly loved helping us.  We were always lost and they couldn't do enough to get us back on the right road.  We stopped to talk to one fellow out in the county side who stopped mowing his lawn to give us directions and just about invited us in for tea.  I'm sure if I named a nationality, you would come up with an adjective or two that you believe described them.  How about the Italians, the Japanese, the Germans, or the Latinos?  Did a couple of words pop up for you?

There have been times in my life when I could have felt like a victim.  I remember people asking me if I wondered why I had developed breast cancer.  Did I rail at God, "Why me, Lord?"  No, I did not.  It never occurred to me to even ask that question. Dr. Mark Graham told me it wasn’t anything I did or did not do; it was a “random act of violence.”  That might have made me feel even more

vulnerable, but for some reason it may have brought me a sense of peace. The thought came to me after listening to our guide that I probably don't have any Austrian blood in me.  I couldn't imagine living a life where I always went around feeling victimized.  How would that improve the quality of my life?  I think I'd be a real grump and a very unhappy person.  It certainly wouldn't fit in with my concept of creating an intentional life, a life of peace and love, joy, compassion and gratitude. However, upon more careful consideration, I realized there have been many times in my life when I found myself feeling powerless, small and insignificant.  At those moments I did not step up and out.  I did not claim my power and even in the midst of "random acts" we still have choices.  We still have the opportunity to decide how we perceive our situation and what we are going to do or not do.   

I asked Dina, sometimes referred to as "Dina Marie" and her coworker, Scott, whose home is in China, if in their travels they had noticed this victimization attitude in other countries where the people had experienced years of suffering and repression.  They said they hadn't really thought about it.  The documentary The Singing Revolution takes place in Estonia.  It was an excellent film depicting life in Estonia through the last hundred years and it presented a people who even though they were suffering, decided to continue their ancient tradition of a mass sing-along.  It presented a picture of hope and positive behavior even during these more than difficult times.  

I've read and watched a lot of stories about WW I and WW II and about man's inhumanity towards man, especially about the horrors committed against the Jewish people.  As we traveled through Eastern Europe and listened to the guides describe the situations which caused the deaths of so many people, thousands upon thousands, or through which they lived, I began to understand why the people in these countries would still feel a sense of travesty and powerlessness. To be completely honest,

however, I know, with a capital "K" that I have never experienced the repression and torment that so many in the world have in the past or are presently experiencing.  I probably cannot even imagine the horrors that are taking place.  On our last evening of this trip, Scott, also affectionately know as "Scotty Boy" left us all with this advice, "Now that you have traveled this part of the world, maybe the next time you see or hear of something distressing that they are experiencing, you will feel a deeper connection, a greater sense of compassion."  He mentioned that one way to break down the barriers of prejudice and hatred is to be exposed to another's culture.  I am hoping that faced with such struggle, I could muster enough strength perhaps because of my relationship with my God, that I would not perceive my situation as hopeless.

The lesson here for me is that we always have a choice about how we want to perceive our situation. The more I thought about this feeling of being a victim, the more I realized it is not unusual for people to perceive themselves as victims even if they have never lived in a war torn country.  As far as the people I know most have lived in the US and are part of the blessed minority like myself who have not gone through the horrors of war and oppression.  The people I’ve met who perceive themselves as victims, are the people who believe that whatever happens to them is totally beyond their control; there in nothing they can do about it.  They don't or can't recognize that even in the most dire of situations we can choose to believe that we at some point can affect change.  Our sense of purpose and power lies within us, not beyond our control.  Daily we are called up to look at our attitudes and to examine our beliefs and then to rise up and to claim our power.  If we practice daily, in the smaller things of life, perhaps if and when we are faced with the larger, more daunting events we will be able to “rest in the inquiry and stand in our power.”

Living an Intentional Life

Affirmation:  Everyday I get to choose how I want to perceive my life experience.

Mo Martin won the Women's British Open at Royal Birkdale in England this July, 2014.  When she was interviewed she mentioned her "intention" was to win the tournament.  At the time she was ranked 99th on the tour and it appeared no one had her listed as a potential champion.  She ended her win and her final hole with an eagle, which means she had three shots on a hole on which a good golfer would normally have five shots. 

As of this writing, I am lucky enough to be in the mountains of North Carolina and once again I find myself playing golf.  If you follow this blog you know that golf is not one of my gifts.  It's something at which I have to work very hard in order to play somewhat decently and to tell the truth, I only work on it for the few weeks I'm up in the mountains.  I do, however, love the sport.  I share the time with my husband, Sandy.  He's an amazing golfer and many times my son, Joey, is with us.  Sometimes his beautiful wife, Belen, comes along.  It's beautiful up here and the course we get to play on looks like a post card.  It's so exhilarating when I actually hit that little ball and it soars away down the fairway towards the pin.  I love it when I putt the ball and it rolls along and plops in the hole.  I actually love to watch someone else make a long difficult putt. It almost seems surreal to me to finally have that tiny ball fall into that tiny spot on this huge expanse of lawn.  I think a big part of the excitement for me is that I'm so surprised and delighted when things actually go better than I even imagined.  I don't intend to have a low expectation of my performance but after years of playing I have come to recognize that I will probably remain a below average player unless I decide to play more than just the month of July.  However, I always set an intention to do well, for me, and to enjoy the day.   

The first time I heard the phase "take an intention" was at a yoga class many years ago.  The teacher did not provide any other guidance.  She simply told us to "take an intention for your practice" and then left us to figure it out.  I remember it clearly.  The word "gratitude" popped into my mind and so I embraced it and let it sit with me for the hour.  Interestingly it didn't leave me at the end.  I found it was with me as I went into the day and here I sit many years later still embracing gratitude, every day.  When I teach I always follow that same example.  I encourage everyone to chant an "ohm" and to bring their palm together in front of their heart and with their thumbs touching their heart I say "Take an intention for this time you're giving yourself.   Any word that comes to mind is fine."  And then at the end of our practice, we repeat the chant and I remind the participants to recall the intention they took at the beginning of class and encourage them to take it with them into their day, and perhaps into their lives. 

That simple instruction so many years ago has had a very powerful impact on my life.  I found myself taking an intention each morning for the day.  As I journal and pray in the morning, I wait to see what word or words come to my awareness and I let them sit with me as I finish my quiet time and then bring them with me into my day.  It's very seldom that something doesn't come to the surface.  If not, I just let go for the day.  I decided also that I might as well take an intention for each year.  I only began this two years ago but it's been a wonderful gift to give myself.  You may remember that my intention for 2014 is to, "connect to the Divine."  It's been quite a journey so far and I'm looking forward to what the rest of the year will present. 

When I listened to Mo Martin's interview, I found her expression of intent to be of interest.  I assume she's a yogini.  Maybe yes, maybe no, but yogini or not, she has a remarkable attitude.  She "took an intention" to win!  Yeah, Mo!  Go girl!  Why not?  She set herself up for success.  She knew it was possible she wouldn't win but once she set that intention, she recognized that she could very well achieve her goal.  She also said even when she wasn't playing well, when she wasn't winning, she still woke up everyday with a smile and a sense of excitement about being able to play. 

By living an intentional life it means you've given thought to what you want your life to look like.  I would imagine if you're reading this you already are someone who is choosing how to live your life but don't assume that's how most of the world lives.  Unfortunately, many people are faced with such dire challenges they don't have the energy to focus on choice. Others simply have chosen not to choose but to let life and fate just play itself out. Once you begin "taking an intention" you may find your day and therefore you life takes on a richness that makes you feel like a winner no matter what challenge life presents or at the very least, you wake up each morning, like Mo, with a smile on your face and a sense of excitement about being able to play, the game of life.

Reflections

Affirmation: I choose to see myself as beautiful.

What is your reaction when you look in the mirror?  Do you look?  I know some people who avoid mirrors at all costs and I know others who can't seem to turn away when they see their image.  What if I told you that you can make a conscious decision about how you perceive your image? 

As I write this it's Spring.  North Carolina looks like the Garden of Eden or a fairyland right now.  Everything is in bloom.  The Dogwoods are breathtaking.  The flowering pear, cherry and apple trees are awesome.  The Azaleas, pink, white and rose colored have just gone into full bloom and all the bulbs, daffodils, crocuses and tulips to name a few are up and showing off.  Along with all this beauty comes the natural instinct of the birds and the bees.  We have a flock of Robins living in our wooded area and one of them has gone insane.  She, we believe, is protecting her nest.  She's doing this by slamming her beak and her body into any of our windows that she perceives harbor an enemy.  It's been going on for weeks.  All day long, thwack, thwack, thwack. There isn't a solution other than to wait it out.  I know, I've researched it and tried half a dozen suggestions.  None of them work.  Her bird brain defense towards her reflection makes me wonder how often my perception is so skewed that I too see what isn't the truth.

Did you hear about the Dove beauty patch?  It's an ad on You Tube.  Normally I skip the ads but this one caught my attention right away.  I was intrigued.  It showed a psychiatrist interviewing several young women and applying the Dove beauty patch to their upper arms and explaining to them how to use it over the next week or so.  The ladies videoed their reactions and the first few days they reported no significant changes but by the end of the trial period, they all reported an increased sense of well-being.  They felt more beautiful.  The psychiatrist then showed them the secret ingredient in the patch.  Can you guess what it was?  Nothing.  It was empty.  They felt better because they believed they were going to feel better.  Several of them began to cry.  They were actually pleased that their thoughts and not some random drug had been the key ingredient in their new sense of beauty. 

One of my dear friends told me that as she aged she was startled to see her mother every morning looking back at her from her bathroom mirror.  Then one morning she woke up to find her grandmother looking back at her.  She decided right then and there to put an end to that reflection.  She did not go get a face lift, Botox or any fillers.  She did something a lot cheaper and probably much more empowering.  She decided to greet her daily image with the phrase "Hello beautiful."  She said at first it was hard to say but after a while she realized it was causing her to smile and she found it easier and easier, until she actually began to believe it.  When she writes me a note she always begins it with, "Hello beautiful."  It makes me smile too.

"Beauty is only skin deep" "Don't judge a book by its cover" and, " Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" are some of the adages about our outside appearance.  But, the truth is most of us live in a society that has a standard for attractiveness and few of us are able to completely disregard how we are viewed.  The Twilight Zone with Rod Sterling had a show that revolved around a society that forced every young woman to choose a physical model from a menu of womanly styles when they reached the end of their teenage years.  One young woman refused.  She didn't want to look like everyone else.  She liked herself the way she was but this was not an option.  She was forced to undergo the procedure.  Her parents chose from the menu for her and the powers that be took her away for the process.  When the last scene is shown we see this Barbie like woman looking in the mirror and being very pleased with what she sees.  Yes, it was extremely disturbing but like so much science fiction, it is becoming a present day reality. I'm not against getting some "help" if that's what someone needs to do to feel better.  As a cancer survivor I know the importance of looking good in order to feel good.  My friend Greta Schiffman has presented the Look Better, Feel Better program to hundreds of women cancer survivors.  The Duke Cancer Patient Support Program provides wigs, turbans and prosthetics for cancer patients.  There are times in our lives when we need to take a few extra steps to enhance our sense of well-being and that's just fine.  

The lesson learned from the Dove beauty patch is fairly obvious; we can feel better about ourselves if we think differently. If we think we are beautiful we will feel more beautiful.  I'm not talking about a narcissistic obsession with ourselves.  I'm talking about a healthy view and appreciation for who we are and how we look, regardless of another's opinion.  We can decide to feel better by changing the way we think, by changing what we think.  We aren't limited to our outer appearance either.  How we choose and shape our thoughts affects every aspect of our lives.  It affects our relationships, our work, our health and our spirit.  We get to choose what we want to focus on and what we want to believe about ourselves and the world and with those choices, we determine the quality and maybe even the quantity of our lives.  What's your choice?   Do you want to look in the mirror and see ugly and sad or like my dear friend, do you want to see happy and beautiful or perhaps, handsome? Give it a try, "Hello Beautiful!" or "Hi Handsome!"  Maybe you can avoid ever becoming a crazy Robin and banging your head into something that won't ever make you feel better and only makes you feel worse.