The Movie of My Life

Affirmation:  I live a Christ centered life of love, peace, joy, gratitude and compassion.

 

 

Jason Becker, Not Dead Yet, is the name of the movie we were invited to view.  It was the premier and it was being held to benefit Jason Becker and the ALS (amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, aka Lou Gehrig's Disease) Foundation.  We were guests of Cytokinetics which is a drug development group doing research to aid in the treatment and cure of these types of diseases. We didn't know Jason. We knew nothing about his story but the invitation was for a group of us to travel to a club, Bimbo's, in San Francisco and have dinner and watch the film.  We were already in California at the time so it was an appealing invitation.  We entered the club, got a beverage and then went to meet Jason.  He was in a motorized wheel chair and there was a line to meet him.  He could no longer move any part of his body other than his eyes and some facial muscles.  He was surrounded by what I assumed to be family members and caregivers. 

 

 

My first impression of him was how handsome he was.  We had been told a little about Jason's story before we arrived.  He was a guitar virtuoso from the time he was five years old until he was eighteen when he was diagnosed with ALS.  The disease progressed very quickly and while he was able to record a lot of his work before his upper body deserted him, he had to drop out of the David Roth world tour. He had been recruited as Van Halen's replacement. He was now 41. His father had developed a system of communication that allowed Jason to "talk" with his eyes.  It was a matrix system and it depended on how many times he blinked and what direction he rolled his eyes.  His parents and caregivers could spell out the words Jason was indicting and then they would share his comments with the visitor.  We were next in line to meet him.

I'd never met anyone with ALS and I've never really tried to have a conversation with a paraplegic.  But, he had his interpreters with him so I wasn't too concerned.  We approached and I confessed to him that I was new to his story but I was looking forward to becoming one of his newest fans.  He made a few eye movements and his father told us he had just responded, "awesome."  Awesome was exactly what I was thinking and after we watched the film, awesome was exactly the word I would use to describe this young man's talent, the dedication of his amazing family and friends and his undaunted courage.

 

A diagnosis of ALS is considered a terminal diagnosis.  There is no cure.  There is no treatment.  There is no hope.  Normally, one would die within a few years of the diagnosis.  As of this date, Jason has been alive for 23 years after the diagnosis; he's "not dead yet."  Not only is he still alive but he's still composing music.  His father has come up with another way to help Jason compose the music he can still hear, the music he's still creating in his mind.  My husband, Sandy and I were inspired by Jason story.  We are inspired by Jason himself and by the love and support he has gathered around him.

 

 

The next morning I sat with another event attendee and we began to discuss all we had learned from the night before.  We shared our newfound appreciation for Jason and his family.  I then shared that after last night's experience I found myself asking the question, if someone was to make a movie of my life, what would be in it?  Jason is only 41.  Most of the movie revolved around his first eighteen years and the accomplishments he had already made.  It appeared he was on his way to becoming one of the all-time great guitarists.  He was on his way to becoming a legend.  I'm not a guitar aficionado but even I recognized several of the names of the people in the movie who spoke about him.  He had already commanded such respect as an artist and as a human being by the age of eighteen that twenty-three years later, these famous musicians were still giving testimony to him and his talent.

 

I don't know about you but I must admit that if my life's reputation had to depend on what I'd accomplished up until my eighteenth year, it would be very lacking in accomplishments.  I'm sixty-seven as of this writing and I would hope that I have finally achieved some measure of respect for a lifetime of loving effort.  What would a movie of my life include?  What would a movie of your life look like?  When discussing this with my friend, we found ourselves focusing on the virtues of kindness and love.  As long as our movie focused on promoting those two qualities, we decided it would be a good film.

 

I once saw a really scary movie with Robin Williams about an internal camera device that was implanted in everyone at their birth and was extracted when they died.  His profession was to put together their obituary in film form from their camera.  He was supposed to be one of the best because he could edit the film of even the most cruel, horrendous behavior and make the obituary a glowing commendation of the deceased.  It was so disturbing that I shut it off almost at the beginning but the concept left me with a lot to think about.

 

The day will come when someone will be piecing my life together to help others remember me.  It's inevitable.  What will my "movie" say about me?  Will I need a professional editor?  Will it be a comedy or a drama and what will it be rated? Have you heard the advice about writing out your own obituary so you can decide before you die how you want to be remembered and then take the steps necessary to paint that picture?  I know no matter how we craft our lives not everyone will appreciate what we've attempted to do no matter how kind and caring we have acted.  If it happens so be it but I shouldn't expect to be recognized for my good works.  Really, the most important part of all this is if I did my best, my utmost to live a life worthy of my own respect and that of my God.  Kindness, forgiveness and love are the three qualities I'd like the movie of my life to revolve around.  Hopefully, I have a few more years left to make sure the ending of my movie is as close to my ideal as it possibly can be.

 

Letting Go of Childhood Limitations

Affirmation:  I let go of my childhood limitations.

How can one be over the age of 50, 60, 70 and still be restricted or controlled by emotions and concepts that influenced them as they were growing up?  How can one not?  I’m speaking about those emotions and concepts that deter us from true joy, that interfere with our ability to completely savor and embrace life.  And, is it even possible to release oneself, to become an adult in one’s own right?  Is it possible to grasp the positive qualities that serve us and our loved ones and let go of those, perhaps at least acknowledge and appreciate the experience but then let go of those concepts that are damaging us?

Part of the creative process encouraged in Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way, is an examination of what one felt was lacking in their childhood.  I was a lucky person.  Looking back on my childhood I remember a lot of freedom and amazingly, even with all that freedom, I never experienced any trauma.  My mother and my father worked very hard and while my grandparents lived below our one bedroom apartment for the first ten years of my life, that was about the extent of our family.  My father was an only child and my mom’s siblings were more than a decade older than her and did not live close.  I grew up in Jamaica, Queens.  When the city was preparing for the 1964 World’s Fair, they took down all the trees along my street, Grand Central Parkway, and I could actually see the Empire State Building from my house. 

It was not an inner city neighborhood but it was close.  Most of the houses were attached brick homes with the driveway in the back alley.  We had about ten square feet of lawn in the front and my dad paved over the back yard so we had room to park our cars.  My mom had a clothes line that went from the second story kitchen window to a pole out back and she hung most of our laundry out to dry.  I would head out to play early in the day and wouldn’t return until the street lights went on.  We played hard.  We skated, rode bikes, climbed walls and trees.  We played tag, jumped rope and played stick ball.  In the winter we ice skated several miles from the house and rode our sleds down the back alley driveways.  No one ever seemed to come look for us and if you can imagine, we didn’t have cell phones!  We were free.  We had a lot of choices.  I grew up believing I could do anything.  I wasn’t sure what that was or where it would lead me, but there were no boundaries for me as a child.  I assumed there wouldn’t be any for me as an adult.  Oh, I was well aware of the fact that I was a girl but when it came to running, climbing and skating, I was equal to any boy.  It wasn’t until college that I discovered women were expected to only follow certain paths. 

After Julia has you examine what you thought you lacked as a child, she then encourages you to find ways to parent yourself, to nurture yourself.  You can’t begin to let go and to heal until you recognize what it is you were missing.  Maybe you never felt loved enough.  Maybe you never felt valued enough.  My parents were so busy that I never felt I received enough affection.  Of course, so much of our childhood memories can be so skewed.  I once heard the story of a young woman who recalled a fainting episode to her mother.  She was shocked to learn she hadn’t fainted at all, it had been her sister!  But, whether or not our feelings are based on reality or perception, doesn’t matter.  They are our feelings.  I can still recall childhood incidents that make me feel sad or happy or frightened and my childhood ended more than half a century ago.  And now life moves onward.  There are times when you need to let go of any junk you feel about your childhood.  At some point if you hope to be healthy and happy you simply need to “get over it.” 

I am my mother’s main caregiver.  I am very blessed because at 90 she is still extremely healthy and independent.  I’m the oldest of three and mom chose to move near me over 15 years ago.  She made the move all by herself.  She likes to be independent and self- sufficient.  It empowers her as it probably does most of us.  My prayer for Mom is that she will continue to have joy and maintain dignity as she finishes out her life.  I only want to love her and enjoy her presence. I want to be the "good little girl" and make her happy.  I want to take whatever steps needed to help her feel better, to make her happy.  I’m 66 years old and the child in me still wants to please my mother but I know, this is a fact, that no matter what or how much I do, I cannot please her long term.  I cannot make her happy.  Sister Mary Margaret from A Place for Women to Gather says, “Happiness is an inside job.”  There is only one person who can make us happy, us. 

That’s why I create affirmations.  It’s all up to me what I think, how I perceive life, how I feel.  I cannot remain the good little girl and live frustrated and sad because of anyone. I must let go of ALL my childhood limitations and embrace my own adult determination to create my own happiness.  Have you looked at your childhood limitations?  Are they interfering with the quality of your life?  Can you too release them?  Do you want to?

A reporter went to interview a man who was very down on his luck.  He had lost everything dear to him and had fallen into a chronic alcoholic state.  “Why do you think your life has turned out this way?” he asked.  The man shared with him that his father was an alcoholic and he never held out much hope for himself.  Then the reporter went to interview the man’s brother.  He was surprised to find him leading a very happy, successful life.  He decided to ask him the same question, “Why do you think your life has turned out this way?”  The brother said, “Well, for heaven’s sake, my father was a chronic alcoholic.  I watched him all through my childhood and decided my life was never going to follow that path.” 

Life is all about our choices.  We get to choose what lessons we want to learn from our childhood.  We get to decide if we’re going to carry the sad, remorseful feelings with us into adulthood and let them weigh us down or if we are going to learn the lesson, release ourselves from the limitations and grow up healthy and happy.