Living an Intentional Life

Affirmation:  Everyday I get to choose how I want to perceive my life experience.

Mo Martin won the Women's British Open at Royal Birkdale in England this July, 2014.  When she was interviewed she mentioned her "intention" was to win the tournament.  At the time she was ranked 99th on the tour and it appeared no one had her listed as a potential champion.  She ended her win and her final hole with an eagle, which means she had three shots on a hole on which a good golfer would normally have five shots. 

As of this writing, I am lucky enough to be in the mountains of North Carolina and once again I find myself playing golf.  If you follow this blog you know that golf is not one of my gifts.  It's something at which I have to work very hard in order to play somewhat decently and to tell the truth, I only work on it for the few weeks I'm up in the mountains.  I do, however, love the sport.  I share the time with my husband, Sandy.  He's an amazing golfer and many times my son, Joey, is with us.  Sometimes his beautiful wife, Belen, comes along.  It's beautiful up here and the course we get to play on looks like a post card.  It's so exhilarating when I actually hit that little ball and it soars away down the fairway towards the pin.  I love it when I putt the ball and it rolls along and plops in the hole.  I actually love to watch someone else make a long difficult putt. It almost seems surreal to me to finally have that tiny ball fall into that tiny spot on this huge expanse of lawn.  I think a big part of the excitement for me is that I'm so surprised and delighted when things actually go better than I even imagined.  I don't intend to have a low expectation of my performance but after years of playing I have come to recognize that I will probably remain a below average player unless I decide to play more than just the month of July.  However, I always set an intention to do well, for me, and to enjoy the day.   

The first time I heard the phase "take an intention" was at a yoga class many years ago.  The teacher did not provide any other guidance.  She simply told us to "take an intention for your practice" and then left us to figure it out.  I remember it clearly.  The word "gratitude" popped into my mind and so I embraced it and let it sit with me for the hour.  Interestingly it didn't leave me at the end.  I found it was with me as I went into the day and here I sit many years later still embracing gratitude, every day.  When I teach I always follow that same example.  I encourage everyone to chant an "ohm" and to bring their palm together in front of their heart and with their thumbs touching their heart I say "Take an intention for this time you're giving yourself.   Any word that comes to mind is fine."  And then at the end of our practice, we repeat the chant and I remind the participants to recall the intention they took at the beginning of class and encourage them to take it with them into their day, and perhaps into their lives. 

That simple instruction so many years ago has had a very powerful impact on my life.  I found myself taking an intention each morning for the day.  As I journal and pray in the morning, I wait to see what word or words come to my awareness and I let them sit with me as I finish my quiet time and then bring them with me into my day.  It's very seldom that something doesn't come to the surface.  If not, I just let go for the day.  I decided also that I might as well take an intention for each year.  I only began this two years ago but it's been a wonderful gift to give myself.  You may remember that my intention for 2014 is to, "connect to the Divine."  It's been quite a journey so far and I'm looking forward to what the rest of the year will present. 

When I listened to Mo Martin's interview, I found her expression of intent to be of interest.  I assume she's a yogini.  Maybe yes, maybe no, but yogini or not, she has a remarkable attitude.  She "took an intention" to win!  Yeah, Mo!  Go girl!  Why not?  She set herself up for success.  She knew it was possible she wouldn't win but once she set that intention, she recognized that she could very well achieve her goal.  She also said even when she wasn't playing well, when she wasn't winning, she still woke up everyday with a smile and a sense of excitement about being able to play. 

By living an intentional life it means you've given thought to what you want your life to look like.  I would imagine if you're reading this you already are someone who is choosing how to live your life but don't assume that's how most of the world lives.  Unfortunately, many people are faced with such dire challenges they don't have the energy to focus on choice. Others simply have chosen not to choose but to let life and fate just play itself out. Once you begin "taking an intention" you may find your day and therefore you life takes on a richness that makes you feel like a winner no matter what challenge life presents or at the very least, you wake up each morning, like Mo, with a smile on your face and a sense of excitement about being able to play, the game of life.

Shame On You!

Affirmation:  I release myself from shame.

"Shame on you!"  This phrase can sometimes be accompanied by an accuser wagging his or her index finger at you while they are saying it.  "Shame on you!"  Does anyone use that phrase anymore?  I hope not but whether it's said or not, many people carry around a deep sense of shame even if they don't understand its meaning.  My study group is in the process of reading Daring Greatly by Brene Brown and one of her main topics is shame.

Is shame different than guilt?  Can it possibly be a useful emotion, one that might help someone become healthier and more productive?  Could it possibly help someone at least become kind and compassionate?  No, I don't believe it helps  

 in anyway.  In fact when I Googled it one of the phrases used to describe shame was an "unhealthy emotion."  I think when someone is pointing their finger at you and saying, "Shame on you." It's no different than them cursing you and telling you to, "Go to Hell!"  There is no redeeming value in their condemnation. They are condemning you as a person; they are not condemning your behavior and that's where the difference comes in between shame and guilt.  

Shame is when you feel like you are unworthy because you believe there is something inherently wrong with you; you are a bad person.  Guilt is when your behavior is faulty and because of it, because of your humanity, you've made a mistake, you've done something wrong.  Unfortunately, it doesn't have to be someone other than ourselves pointing that finger.  Many of us are very adept at saying, "Shame on me!"  That too is not doing anything to help you create a better life.  One needs to fully comprehend the difference between believing they are inherently evil and that they have done an evil thing and can make amends and go onto change their behavior. 

I believe many people suffer from shame because of what they were told as a child by some authority figure, either a parent, teacher or some other misguided authority figure or even worse, something that was done to them as a child.  Those who make it to adulthood and don't suffer from the malady of shame are either completely skewed or had some wonderful people in their lives who with their affirmations diffused those who attempted to harm them.They gave them the gift of discernment.  I've had many people tell me their religion made them feel worthless and shameful.  I can see how that might happen but at some point don't you think you have to shuck off that mantle and decide what empowers you and what is hurting you, instead of blaming it on something in your past?  How is that done?

That's why I started this site.  To give people the opportunity to think about their beliefs and whether or not those beliefs are enhancing their lives or diminishing their lives.  When discussing this specific topic with a friend she told me SHAME was an acronym for "should have already mastered everything."  I don't think she was talking about our hobbies, although I believe how we approach our hobbies is a reflection of how we feel about the more important aspects of our lives, like our faith and our relationships.  Perfection is the birthplace of shame.  We may have a belief system that has led us to a point where we expect so very much from ourselves.  There seems to be a fine line between expecting to do something perfectly and setting the bar so low that we never excel at anything.  If you follow this blog, you know that I have recently raised the bar on both my golf game and my fiddle playing.  There's no way to keep score for fiddle improvement so since I've been practicing almost daily, I'll give myself credit for improving.  Golf, however, is very different.  Each swing no matter how big or small, near or far counts equally.  Gauging my improvement or lack thereof is very easy.  

Soon after writing the Never Give Up blog, but after some additional practice and a lesson I headed out to play with "the big girls."  What a lesson in life for me.  I was abysmal!  Notice the phrase carefully.  I didn't write, "My game was abysmal."  I fully felt like there was something inherently wrong with me.  When describing my experience to a dear friend and life-long golfer I was hoping for some great insight to dispel how embarrassed and actually ashamed I was by my performance.  In retrospect I am so grateful to have had this experience.  It was non-threatening, even trivial in some way but because I've been studying Daring Greatly, it gave me a great opportunity to see how I can point that finger of shame at myself and suffer that unhealthy emotion.

My friend and her husband said all the right things.  There they are, the people we all need in our lives to lift us up and affirm our personhood.  I wasn't being silly.  "It was easy to beat ourselves up over our performances."  They had had exactly the same experiences.  With their encouragement and a few more lessons from my coach and number one fan, my husband, Sandy, I took the lessons of golf and life that I had just learned and headed out to play once again.  I headed out with a whole new attitude.  I would do my very best and no matter what, I would have fun.  I would enjoy my time.  I would not beat myself up.  I felt differently heading out and I think that alone helped me play better.  A life lesson for me.  Do my best and choose to enjoy whatever I'm involved with.  And, when I'm shamed either by myself or another, take it to those who love me and let them help lift me back up to a place of light and joy.

Shame is a disease of the spirit, not the mind.  This is probably why religion has been so successful at using shame as a tool to control their flocks.  We don't really need to be reminded of our sinful nature, most of us are very aware of our imperfections.  What we really need is encouragement and healing.  That too is available through most faiths.  Unfortunately, we must sift through the fire and brimstone to find it but it is there.  That's where the healing is too.  It's in the attention to spirit.  In fact, I firmly believe once we ask for healing, the Universe will gather all its forces to begin the process and will come to us in ways in which we never even dreamed.  

I am a great believer in the Holy Spirit.  Oh I am sure there are many many names given  the Holy Spirit by all those that believe there is a power greater than anything of which we have an inkling.  Give it any name you like.  It's that life force that penetrates the very core of every living thing.  It's available to all of us but most of us are simply too busy or too thick to notice it.  When we sit in silence and invite Divine Energy into our lives and our beings, miracles occur, healing occurs.  This is the antidote to shame.  We invite God into every cell of our beings.  We are part of the Divine.  It is our birthright to share in the holiness and glory of God.  Once we acknowledge our connection and our heritage to God's Divine gifts, healing begins.  

Never Give Up

Affirmation:  Because of visualization and dedication, I am a remarkable golfer and a terrific fiddler.

Once again I am learning about who I am and how I approach life by two of the more challenging hobbies I have chosen to pursue for these many years.  I hate to quit at something I've made up my mind to learn.  My learning style is more about being slow and steady.  I have discovered that as long as I don't give up, sooner or later I can become fairly proficient at what I want to do.  I do have a tendency to think of myself as a "jack of all trades, a master of none."  That's not a very positive affirmation, is it?  In some ways it has served me well because I will attempt to do something regardless of my knowledge or skill level.  I don't think I have to be perfect.  I don't expect perfection so why not give it a shot.  Unfortunately for me, however, I have a tendency to focus on those things at which I am not exceptional and not claim those skills at which I am very accomplished.  There are things I do very well.  There are skills and talents of which I have pursued and worked hard and feel good about but there are those of which I have told myself I will never be masterful.  I've often thought there are just some things where I reach my level of mediocrity and can't seem to break through it or chose not to break through it.  Golf and fiddling are two of those things. I thought I'd made peace with that.  I thought I was just fine still plugging along and not seeing any great improvement until my chiropractor, Joanne Noel, took some time to help me reframe my intentions. 

I mentioned my playing golf during my visit to her.  I'm sure I didn't sound too excited.  "Really" I tell myself and sometimes others, "I just play to keep my husband company and to be with my son and daughter-in-law.  If I don't keep score, I'm a really good golfer. I am!"  But, I don't know how to not keep score.  Even when I don't write it down, I find myself counting each stroke in my head.  At the end of 18 holes I always know how many times I have swung the club and it's always a lot of times.  I really don't understand it.  I have a few flubs now and then but if you were watching me I think you'd see that I hit the ball fairly far, I have a nice short game and I've become a pretty good putter but when I add all that up, it's always a lot.  How does one determine if a score represents a lot of swings?  It's determined by one's handicap and my handicap is the highest a woman can have.  This after playing this sport as of this year for 46 years!  

There is not a numerical handicap to determine one's fiddling skill.  As of this writing I  haven't been playing the fiddle for 46 years.  I really wish I had been.  I imagine I'd be much more skilled.  Although, if my golfing skills are an indication of how long it would take before I became a master, it might not make much of a difference but I do imagine, I actually dream that if I'd learned to play as a child and had practiced and played all these many years, I would play with abandonment and I'd make this wonderful sound and perhaps I could even play by ear.  I'd be able to join any jam session and when the song began there I'd be fiddling along either picking up the tune or adding to the beat with my knowledge and skill.  It's a dream.  It's good to have dreams but you can sit around forever wishing something to be true and if it involves learning and practice, it will never happen. Never! Never! Never! 

My music teacher, Mara Shea sent me the link to this You-tube video: Never Give Up.  If you have anything in your life you're working at improving, I highly recommend watching it.  It's not about golfing or fiddling.  It's the heroic story of a Gulf War veteran who was left severely handicapped after his time of service.  He was told he would never be able to walk on his own again.  It took quite a while but he decided they were wrong and he found a teacher and began practicing yoga.  It documents his journey.  With dedication and persistence he completely changed his life.  I wasn't sure if Mara sent it to me because I am a Yoga teacher and she knew I'd love it or because she wanted me to know that if I continue to practice and not give up, someday my dream of being a terrific fiddler will finally come true.  Regardless of her reason, I found it to be moving and motivational. 

My chiropractor, Joanne Noel responded to my comments about my golf game by telling me the story of a patient of hers who after years of being a sub par golfer one day decided to become a scratch golfer.  That's someone with a zero handicap.  Joanne shared that her patient hadn't yet reached her goal and maybe she never would but that her patient now had a remarkable golf game.  Remarkable!  Right then and there I knew I would one day have a remarkable golf game.  Mara Shea encourages me to become the best fiddler I can possibly be.  She'd love to see my dream of being a terrific fiddler come true.  Michelangelo said, "The greatest danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it."  I have been aiming too low.  But now, I am not going to simply sit around and wish that I become a remarkable golfer and a terrific fiddler, I have a new affirmation and I've already seen the beginnings of its power.  I have a vision and I am ready to work. 

What are your visions?  What dreams do you have that you are willing to work at?  I could continue writing this blog.  It's such a powerful concept, the concept of visualizing our lives and then stepping up our efforts to bring our visualization into reality but, I have to go practice the fiddle and later today, I will be practicing my golf swing.  I took a lesson this week and I need to relearn the way I hit my clubs.  I can already see that if I practice this new technique my swing will be more consistent and the ball will go further.  I can see that handicap score lowering any day now and I can hear that jam session calling me.  I'm getting ready!

Peace Be With You

Affirmation:  I live a Christ centered life of love, peace, joy, gratitude and compassion.

Once upon a time an amateur golfer could purchase hole-in-one insurance.  If the golfer made a hole-in-one, he or she would receive an all-expense paid trip to anywhere in the world.  I knew this because one of my husband’s business associates at that time had just returned from a trip to Hawaii that he had “won” through this program.  My husband had a birthday coming up and I thought this would be an excellent present for him (for us!)  I probably had a slight attack of conscience because I mentioned it to him to make sure this was something he’d really enjoy.  He would not, he told me.  What he really wanted was a new set of golf head-covers.  That’s what I bought him.  He was happy.  The following week my husband had his first hole-in-one.  It did not make him happy.  He certainly didn’t want to call me to tell me about it.  I think if he could have kept it from me for the rest of his life, he would have but we lived in the tiny town of Norwich, New York and word would reach me probably sooner than later.  As you can imagine I was very disappointed.  I can think of several things I might have done differently had I known he was to have this hole-in-one after telling me not to buy him the $40.00 hole-in-one insurance.  But, it’s always easier in retrospect, isn’t it?  We’re always so much wiser in retrospect, aren’t we?  What would life be like if we were people who knew ahead of time what was going to happen?  

I love those sci-fi movies about people who are time travelers.  I especially like the ones where people go back to the past.  Two of my favorites are Back to the Future with Michael J. Fox and Peggy Sue with Kathleen Turner.  In both films they were able to impart helpful knowledge to people in their past to help them improve their lives in the future.  In Peggy Sue, Kathleen Turner had a nerdy friend who believed her story that she was from the future.  He wanted to know what he should invest in.  “Panty hose,” she suggested.  What should I invest in now that will insure my future success?  Do I need to be able to see the future to make those decisions?  Maybe I would be able to pick out the winning power ball number or I could buy some sort of unknown stock, like Apple, before it went through the ceiling.  Perhaps one would know who not to marry or what job not to pass up.  Oh, the places one could go and the things one could do without any concern, without any confusion. 

I have several dear friends whose early married lives were very difficult.  One friend’s husband left her with three children and declared bankruptcy.  Right after he left, her house burned to the ground.  These were only a few of the challenges she faced at that time. Her husband then began a new relationship and a new business and she was left to figure out how to survive.  The really good news is she did more than survive, she thrived!  It’s been a few decades now since all this began but recently she found out he was dying.  She held a lot of justified resentment towards him but she picked up the phone to talk to him and instead of venting all her frustration and anger, she found herself thanking him.  For what?  For her three wonderful children, for her stamina and fortitude and for the life she now lives.  If she could have seen into the future with all the travail she would face, she probably would have still chosen the same; a different choice would have meant she would be a different person and she’s a marvelous human being because of the trials she’s overcome.  She has made peace not only with her ex-husband but with life.

In the Catholic Mass we have one phrase that is used three times.  “Peace be with you.”  Three times the priest says, “Peace be with you.”  No other phrase is repeated even once but this one is repeated three times.  Why?  Because it’s the one gift everyone desires, peace.  When we are in the middle of war most of the population wants it to end.  They want peace.  When we are in the throes of caring for someone in pain, we pray for their peace.  When someone has experienced the death of a loved one, we ask for them to have peace.  When we or someone we know is faced with any sort of difficulty, financial or physical, we want to see them come to a peaceful place.  Peace.  What does it look like?  Can one find it in any situation?  Recently, an acquaintance confided that his job might be at risk.  We reacted with alarm.  He, on the other hand told us he wasn’t worried.  There was nothing he could do about it right now, so he wasn’t upset.  He was at peace.  We may not have a definitive definition for peace but we all know when it’s missing.  We all know when we are not at peace.  It is one of God’s greatest gifts.  We can claim it whenever we want.  Sometimes all it takes is a short prayer, a deep breath and a silent few moments.  Once we are at peace with ourselves, we can radiate that peace out into the rest of the world. 

It might seem like foreknowledge might be a better gift than peace but it doesn’t matter.  There is no such thing, no matter what the psychic tells us.  There’s no guarantee that we’ll ever know what the future will hold.  But, we can find peace with whatever life has brought us.  We can let go of the disappointments, the trials, the hurts, the not so wise choices and we can ask God to let us go forward with the gift of peace.  We can go forward knowing that our lives, the good, the bad and the ugly are exactly as they are supposed to be and that with God’s gift of peace, we can rest in all of it.  

P.S.  Because of Sandy's career we have not only traveled to Hawaii, we have traveled the world.  We really didn't need that hole-in-one insurance.  

Golf & Lessons Learned

Affirmation:  Every life experience leads to wisdom and knowledge.

On June 19^th, 2011 Rory McIlroy won the US Open in golf.  I am married to a golfer and my adult son, Joey, has given up sky diving and taken up golf.  (Thank You, Lord!)  Considering Sandy and I have been married for almost 45 years, I have learned a lot about the sport.  I have never considered myself a golfer but I have played golf for over forty years, ever since I married.  Sandy is an amazing golfer.  Truly, his game is superb and it’s such fun to watch him play.     

I use to resent his dedication to this past time. When I had three young children, the time away from the family required by golf and desired by my husband was onerous for me.  But, now with the children grown and on their own, I can see the sport in a different light.  Actually, over the last few summers, I might even occasionally refer to myself as a “golfer.” 

Many years ago I read James Dobson’s, Final Rounds.  It completely changed the way I saw the sport.  It truly was a life changing read.  It helped too that my children were older and I had a little more free time.  But, when I read the memories that he and his dad had collected together, I better understood the appeal of the game.  Golf wasn’t just “a good walk spoiled” as Mark Twain said; it was about so much more.  It was about relationships and adventures and shared experiences.  I took it to heart and started focusing on those aspects and not how many times I was hitting (or swinging) at that little ball.  Yes, something changed. I started having more fun and truly valuing the time I spent with Sandy and now with my son.  Sometimes my daughter-in-law, Belen, joins us on the course as Joey’s chauffeur.  It can be a delightful day and I really have learned to value the experience.

Part of our shared interest lies in occasionally watching the major tournaments with my family.  The US Open is one of them.  The 2011 US Open was especially exciting.  Rory McIlroy (22 years) won. He’s from Northern Island.  Not only did he win but he broke all sorts of records.  He shot 65-66-68-68.  He was as much as 17 under par at one point.  He went into the tournament winning by 8 strokes.  These are unheard of accomplishments. 

That’s all wonderful and exciting but for me it was the story behind his win that touched my heart.  His father was there; it was his Father’s Day present.  The story that emerged was of a family of very hard working people.  His dad had worked as a janitor and when his son showed an interest in golf, he became the bar tender at the golf club so that they could afford his lessons.  When he accepted his award, he didn’t’ leave out his “mum” either.  He said it was because of their hard work and sacrifice that he was there today. 

The media spent a great deal of time talking about this young man’s loss at the 2010 Masters in Augusta.  They kept talking about how he was winning by 4 strokes when the final round began, and then he “fell apart.”  Everyone was amazed that he had pulled himself together so quickly and was doing so well.  Some thought he might never recover from such a devastating loss.  It was one of the questions presented to him several minutes after accepting the US Open trophy.  The announcer asked him to speak about losing the Masters and what that had been like.  Ready?  “The Masters was a very valuable experience for me.  I learned a few things about myself and my game.” 

One day I went to play golf with the “big girls.”  These are the ladies who play golf often and for the most part, quite well.  I was way outside of my comfort zone.

Golf, yoga, and tennis are the three main physical activities in which I’ve participated.  I think there’s so much to learn about myself and sometimes others from watching the behavior that is exhibited during the event, the match.  Concentration, perseverance, balance, forgiveness, humor, humility and graciousness are required of the civil player and many times, more than one aspect at a time is required.

The psychology of 18 holes of golf is again a microcosm of our lives.  How do we interact with others?  Are we kind, considerate, deferential, polite, encouraging?  And, how do we treat ourselves?  Do we berate ourselves when we hit a bad shot?  Are we annoyed when someone else does better?  Can we focus regardless of what else is going on?  What are we thinking about; is it lunch or dinner, or are we present to the experience?  Do we notice not only the condition of the course but the topography, the fresh air and the beautiful vistas?

Whatever we are doing on the golf course, we are repeating in our daily lives.  Our behavior both towards others, ourselves and the experience reflects our behavior through our lives.

Yes, it’s the same in many sports.  If you watch carefully, you’ll see all your faults surface but keep watching, be aware and you’ll be able to notice your strengths too.  Perhaps, it will be as simple as being able to share time with your loved ones, your buddies, a kind partner and when asked how you played, even if the game didn’t go as you had hoped, even though you didn’t feel you played your best game, you answer, “Wow!  I had a great time!” 

Rory McIlroy was much wiser than his 22 years.  It takes some of us a lifetime to discover that every life experience leads to wisdom and knowledge.  It’s all up to us how we perceive it and whether or not we value every single one of them, both the accomplishments and the disappointments.  Like Rory, it can lead us to championship skills, the skills of leading a rewarding, fulfilling life. 

And, just in case you’re curious, I played ok on that outing with the “big girls.”  I would even say, on that day, I was really and truly a “golfer.”