A Year of Love

Affirmation: I am fully open to love, human and divine.  Love surrounds me and permeates every aspect of my existence.

When I went to visit Paul I noticed the wedding pictures on his wall.  He was one of the few men in the Alzheimer's unit and he was a flirt.  He was good looking, tall and lean and always had on a baseball cap.  He was in the beginning stages and I could easily have a conversation with him.  Then I also noticed the memorial card with what I guessed was his wife's name.  I asked him if I were correct and if the card referred to his wife.  It did.  "Were you married a long time?" I asked.  I didn't really expect an answer.  I was just making conversation.  "Sixty-one years," he replied.  "Wow" I responded, “that’s a long time."  He came right back at me, "Not long enough!"  That was several years ago but even as I write this my heart aches and my eyes tear up.  "Not long enough." What a lesson!  It came at me like a speeding train and left me dazed by the side of the tracks.  Life is precious and life for many is "not long enough."

One of my dear friends recently lost her mother to Alzheimer's.  It was a long, difficult battle.  My friend lives in North Carolina but her "mum" lived I England.  She would often fly over to visit and to care for her mother.  When her mother was finally admitted to a care facility, my friend would get up every morning she was there, take the bus and spend the entire day visiting and helping with the other residents.  The facility eventually offered her a job.  Her mother stopped recognizing her daughter but one day she told my friend, "I don't know who you are but I know you love me very much."

"I know you love me very much."  "Not long enough."  Words spoken emanating from a place deep within, nothing trite or superficial.  The murmurings of the heart, not just of the mind.  If I were to look at my life today, search my soul, what heart murmurs would I hear?  And if I lost my mind would the messages be about love?  I've dedicated this, my 68th year, as The Year of Love.

My church, the Catholic Church, dedicates each year to some worthy theme: The Year of Faith or The Year of the Eucharist, etc.  Why not let it be an example for me and dedicate a year of my life to some worthy concept?  The Year of Love!  It's my ultimate goal, to love deeply, unconditionally, non-judgmentally and without attachment.  It's the work of a lifetime.  It seems worthwhile and appropriate to take at least a year and to focus on love.

One more Alzheimer story.  In the video for the song "Raymond" by Bret Eldridge an elderly woman has the mistaken idea that the maintenance man is her deceased son, Raymond.  The video shows that Raymond died in the Vietnam War but Kathryn, the lady in the video, has no memory of that.  Her memory only goes back to 1943.  She's a blessed woman.  She appears comfortable in her surroundings and the cleaning man is kind and gracious.  "I bring her morning coffee every day," he sings.  "Sometimes I find myself wishing I'd been there."  He seems to love her, this woman who believes he is her son.  He knows she loves him.  It's such a small act of kindness but it's such a grand act of love. The video reflects love in its purest form.  It seems to seep from the page out into the room.  I never fail to weep when I watch it. 

What is more important than creating a life filled with love?  Once we can learn to accept love, we can more generously give love.  We may not like everyone, that's a given but it is possible to still love them or at least to hold them in a space of love.  You can pray for your worst enemy and I don't mean for evil to invade their lives.  It is possible to find a place in our hearts to ask for the best for everyone in the world, both those we find easy to love and those who challenge us.  Remember, you can't make your world any brighter by blowing out someone else's light.  The heart is a muscle.  If we want it to become strong and healthy, we have to exercise it just like any other muscle. 

If I lose my mind, which I must confess seems more threatening some days than others, I want to know that my heart is still full of love and my body, my spirit is filled with the blessings of a life filled with love.  I want to live a life where I can say "not long enough."  A life where one day someone will look at me and say, "I know you love me."  Hopefully, they will also know who I am and I will know who they are.

 

Blessing Adversity

Affirmation:  What doesn't kill me makes me stronger and being stronger makes life easier and richer.  

"What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, stronger" so goes the saying and the now popular song by Kelly Clarkson.  I wonder would I want to be tested to the point of dying to become stronger?  I have been tested by breast cancer.  I wouldn't have chosen it but it has made me stronger.  It seems like a given that most people believe becoming stronger is a good thing.

I do work at being physically strong.  I fully recognize the advantages of having a strong body.  Besides practicing Yoga regularly, twice a week I participate in a class called Rep-Reebok.  It’s weight lifting to music and since I began it, I do feel I’ve gained quite a bit of muscle.  I’m not so concerned about how it affects my shape but I know the stronger I  am, the less likely I am to injure myself.  Having physical strength makes my daily activities easier.  I also work at having mental and spiritual fortitude. It makes my whole existence easier.

Sherri Shepherd recently released a book entitled Plan D: How to Lose Weight and Beat Diabetes.  Presently she's one of the talk show hostesses on The View.  She's very funny and she's always been a very large lady, actually the word is obese.  She was interviewed by Doctor Oz this week and shared the diabetic history of her family.  She said they called it "the sugar" and no one took any steps to deal with it, regardless of how much the disease had progressed.  She too was guilty of the same behavior.  Denial is the term for the way some people deal with situations they don't want to face.  She was in denial until someone asked her in so many words if she was ready to die one amputation at a time.  She changed her life.  She took charge.  She changed her diet and began exercising.  She changed a lIfe threatening situation into a life enhancing practice.  She shared some of her new healthy eating techniques and said she now works out at a gym and has turned her home into a gym, not a fancy room with all the bells and whistles. The stairs are her "stair-master."  Her kitchen sink is her "ballet bare" and she never rests her bottom on the toilette.  That's her opportunity to do squats!  Diabetes changed her life, for the better.   

The conversation I had with a woman I had recently met revolved around her brother's recovery from drug abuse.  He too had a devastating disease.  He too had taken steps to become healthy.  When speaking about his life, she shared that he had become a wonderful father.  He was raising his son by himself.  The mother was also an addict and had given up her son.  He had shared with his sister that the challenge of being a single parent was his greatest blessing.  His life was as good as it was because his son needed him and helped him rise to the challenge of creating a healthy, loving life.  

It's an old saying, "We can choose to make lemons into lemonade."  Life is full of adversity, all different levels.  Diseases of the mind, body and spirit are faced by all of us at sometime or another.  Where do we find the resources to lift ourselves from the darkness back into the light?  For many, it's their faith but not everyone has that gift.  It is a gift to believe in a loving, beneficent God or at least to believe that our pain is serving some higher purpose. We all have pain. Others must find another way to rise above their adversity.  For most help comes in the form of others: family, friends and community.  

This second of week of May, 2013 the media has been full of news about Angelina Jolie and her choice to have a prophylactic double mastectomy.  It's not an unusual story.  It's a decision thousands of women have faced and many of whom have chosen the same path.  Angelia's mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer when her mother was in her forties.  She died at 55.  She decided to undergo the gene test to see if it was indeed a hereditary condition and it came back positive.  She had an 87% chance of dying of breast cancer.   She chose not to wait for fate to decide her future.  She chose to take radical steps to insure that she would not have the words "breast cancer" on her death certificate.  Her popularity, perhaps we could even say notoriety, propelled her decision to the front of the news.  I personally commend her for making her decision public.  It opens the avenue for important discussions.  It's similar to when Betty Ford stepped forward as First Lady and shared she was undergoing treatment for breast cancer.  We sometimes need celebrities to she'd light on issues that might otherwise go unexamined.  

How can one see a prophylactic double mastectomy as a blessing?  How easy it would be to perceive oneself as a victim.  How easy it would be to wallow in self pity.  Brad Pitt, Angelina's fiancé told the media they didn't view her surgery as a loss.  They viewed it as a gain; they had gained years of life. They believed his wife and the mother of their children would now be a part of their lives for many years to come.

When we are in the middle of some challenge, it’s almost impossible to see it as beneficial.  I believe we need to move away and outside of it before we can begin to see ways it may and can bless our lives.  It's all about the whole package, all of life's lessons are valuable.  We are all going to be faced with adversity.  Most of us will come through it; there's no going around it.  How we perceive our experience will be determined by how we view our lives.  Do we wake each morning and see the blessings the day may bestow upon us or do we rise in fear and dread? What are we focusing on?   How do you view the glass, half empty or half full?  I'm not talking about not recognizing your sadness and fear.  We must acknowledge all our emotions but once we've done that and walked through the "valley of death" do we want to continue to suffer (maybe some do.)  I, however, would prefer to let the experience teach me whatever lesson I needed to know and then take that knowledge and use it to make me "stronger! stronger! stand a little taller!" as Kelly sings and to enjoy a tall cool glass of that lemonade.

Journeying Through Motherhood

Affirmation:  Being a mother is my greatest joy.

As we walked around the lake the geese couple were crossing the path and next to them was a gaggle of goslings.  The female goose raised her head and stared right at us daring us to come closer.  Behind us was another walker and her dog.  The mother goose didn't hesitate.  She took off charging, squawking loudly at the dog. It had come too close to her babies.  

I've been a mother for over 40 years now.  Now, I'm also a grandmother.  My adult gym now offers toddler swim lessons on Saturday mornings.  I feel a deep ache as I watch the parents interact with the children.  I have an even stronger reaction when I see them holding out their arms for the child to jump into and holding their little hands as they lead them to and from the pool. I'm nostalgic for that time but I remember those lessons when I did them and I am just fine that now I'm simply an appreciative observer.  

One day a young mother shared with a group of us that her 15 year old teenage daughter and husband had had their first terrible blow out.  She was worried they would never have a trusting, loving relationship.  The other mothers present assured her it was all normal growing pains and if it had taken this long for them to have this type of interaction, they were probably going to be just fine, probably even better than fine.  Many years ago the New York Times ran an article about the happiness level of parents.  The research reported that in general the parents of teenagers were unhappier than parents at any other stage.  I don't remember being unhappy when my children were teenagers but I do know that now that they are adults, I thoroughly enjoy their company and that of their spouses.  It's pure joy when I have the opportunity to spend time with them. I think what we spend our money on reflects that on which we consider to be the important and I'd rather spend my money on events that bring us all together than on anything else.

Today when I see a young family together I want to run up to them and tell them it's a "short long journey."  I want to embrace them and shake them and make sure they know it and tell them to savor every moment of it.  Motherhood is work.  It's painful and it's challenging.  It's demanding and it's tiring.  It's frustrating and it's confusing.  It's also an amazing journey.  

As a young mother I was never around family.  Our first move was when my oldest was 6 weeks old.  Our second move five years later was when my middle child was 18 months old and then ten years after that, we moved when Ellen was just three.  I never had a support system.  Every time we moved, I was completely on my own.  I didn't have a clue how very hard it was but looking back I can see how hard it truly was.  Each time we moved, I had to create a new support system.  It was easier sometimes than others.  It was exciting to go to a new place but it was also lonely.  Our last move brought us here to North Carolina over 26 years go.  We began again.  Now, I live close to most of my family.   

My oldest girl, Melissa and her kind, loving husband, Larry and my four grandchildren live about 2 miles away.  My son, Joey and his beautiful (inside and out) wife Belen also live close.  My mom lives nearby and I'm blessed to still have my husband of 45 years in my life.  My youngest is in London but I'm optimistic about her future.

My years of motherhood are not over.  Once a mother, always a mother but this stage, being the mother of adult children is for me a rich blessing.  While the children were growing, I was too busy with the cares of life and daily activities to savor all the precious moments they offered me but now, I can relish each moment.  I can relax in their company.  When I was doing my MSW I decided I would ask each of them, all adults at that time, how I did as a mother.  Truly, this has been my life's work.  I wondered how they felt I did.  When I look back I remember each of their births.  I remember all the times they were sick and needed care.  I remember all those miles in the car to different sporting events or classes.  I remembered making dinner almost every night.  I remember reading stories and grabbing hugs and kisses as often as possible.  I remember helping with homework and visiting schools.  I remember helping find colleges and going to ceremonies.  I remember a home that I always hoped felt safe and secure. I welcomed their friends and eventually their spouses.  I encouraged them to follow their dreams and listened when life went a different way.  I hadn't had any training and other than my wonderful husband, I hadn't had any family around to guide me but it appeared I'd done alright.  What did they think?  I was curious and I was brave.  

Yes, it's been a "long short journey."  If I could do it again what would I change?  I wouldn't change much.  If I were as wise at 20, 30 or 40 as I am now, what would I do differently.  I'd not clean the house so often.  Occasionally I'd have cereal for dinner instead of taking time to cook each evening.  I'd read even more stories, hold hands even more often.  I'd sit and just listen whenever they wanted to tell me something.  I'd know this moment will soon be gone and I'd treasure it for the gift it was.  

They were kind to me when they answered my question.  That response alone was an answer in itself.  I'd done OK.  I must have done OK.  They're still hanging out with me.  In fact as I write this today, Mother's Day the family is on their way over.  All except Ellen.  She'll be here next week.  We'll celebrate then.  Yes, I might change the way I did some things, go slower, be more mindful but I wouldn't change choosing to be a mother, especially to these three remarkable people.  I've been blessed and at least now I can go slower and relish each and every moment I get to spend with them. 

Golf & Lessons Learned

Affirmation:  Every life experience leads to wisdom and knowledge.

On June 19^th, 2011 Rory McIlroy won the US Open in golf.  I am married to a golfer and my adult son, Joey, has given up sky diving and taken up golf.  (Thank You, Lord!)  Considering Sandy and I have been married for almost 45 years, I have learned a lot about the sport.  I have never considered myself a golfer but I have played golf for over forty years, ever since I married.  Sandy is an amazing golfer.  Truly, his game is superb and it’s such fun to watch him play.     

I use to resent his dedication to this past time. When I had three young children, the time away from the family required by golf and desired by my husband was onerous for me.  But, now with the children grown and on their own, I can see the sport in a different light.  Actually, over the last few summers, I might even occasionally refer to myself as a “golfer.” 

Many years ago I read James Dobson’s, Final Rounds.  It completely changed the way I saw the sport.  It truly was a life changing read.  It helped too that my children were older and I had a little more free time.  But, when I read the memories that he and his dad had collected together, I better understood the appeal of the game.  Golf wasn’t just “a good walk spoiled” as Mark Twain said; it was about so much more.  It was about relationships and adventures and shared experiences.  I took it to heart and started focusing on those aspects and not how many times I was hitting (or swinging) at that little ball.  Yes, something changed. I started having more fun and truly valuing the time I spent with Sandy and now with my son.  Sometimes my daughter-in-law, Belen, joins us on the course as Joey’s chauffeur.  It can be a delightful day and I really have learned to value the experience.

Part of our shared interest lies in occasionally watching the major tournaments with my family.  The US Open is one of them.  The 2011 US Open was especially exciting.  Rory McIlroy (22 years) won. He’s from Northern Island.  Not only did he win but he broke all sorts of records.  He shot 65-66-68-68.  He was as much as 17 under par at one point.  He went into the tournament winning by 8 strokes.  These are unheard of accomplishments. 

That’s all wonderful and exciting but for me it was the story behind his win that touched my heart.  His father was there; it was his Father’s Day present.  The story that emerged was of a family of very hard working people.  His dad had worked as a janitor and when his son showed an interest in golf, he became the bar tender at the golf club so that they could afford his lessons.  When he accepted his award, he didn’t’ leave out his “mum” either.  He said it was because of their hard work and sacrifice that he was there today. 

The media spent a great deal of time talking about this young man’s loss at the 2010 Masters in Augusta.  They kept talking about how he was winning by 4 strokes when the final round began, and then he “fell apart.”  Everyone was amazed that he had pulled himself together so quickly and was doing so well.  Some thought he might never recover from such a devastating loss.  It was one of the questions presented to him several minutes after accepting the US Open trophy.  The announcer asked him to speak about losing the Masters and what that had been like.  Ready?  “The Masters was a very valuable experience for me.  I learned a few things about myself and my game.” 

One day I went to play golf with the “big girls.”  These are the ladies who play golf often and for the most part, quite well.  I was way outside of my comfort zone.

Golf, yoga, and tennis are the three main physical activities in which I’ve participated.  I think there’s so much to learn about myself and sometimes others from watching the behavior that is exhibited during the event, the match.  Concentration, perseverance, balance, forgiveness, humor, humility and graciousness are required of the civil player and many times, more than one aspect at a time is required.

The psychology of 18 holes of golf is again a microcosm of our lives.  How do we interact with others?  Are we kind, considerate, deferential, polite, encouraging?  And, how do we treat ourselves?  Do we berate ourselves when we hit a bad shot?  Are we annoyed when someone else does better?  Can we focus regardless of what else is going on?  What are we thinking about; is it lunch or dinner, or are we present to the experience?  Do we notice not only the condition of the course but the topography, the fresh air and the beautiful vistas?

Whatever we are doing on the golf course, we are repeating in our daily lives.  Our behavior both towards others, ourselves and the experience reflects our behavior through our lives.

Yes, it’s the same in many sports.  If you watch carefully, you’ll see all your faults surface but keep watching, be aware and you’ll be able to notice your strengths too.  Perhaps, it will be as simple as being able to share time with your loved ones, your buddies, a kind partner and when asked how you played, even if the game didn’t go as you had hoped, even though you didn’t feel you played your best game, you answer, “Wow!  I had a great time!” 

Rory McIlroy was much wiser than his 22 years.  It takes some of us a lifetime to discover that every life experience leads to wisdom and knowledge.  It’s all up to us how we perceive it and whether or not we value every single one of them, both the accomplishments and the disappointments.  Like Rory, it can lead us to championship skills, the skills of leading a rewarding, fulfilling life. 

And, just in case you’re curious, I played ok on that outing with the “big girls.”  I would even say, on that day, I was really and truly a “golfer.”

Owning My Own Behavior

Affirmation:  I am only responsible for my own behavior.

In 2000 my husband and I attended a workshop at Canyon Ranch called Sex, Body and Soul.  It was the year after I was treated for breast cancer and I asked him to go with me.  I had been there several months earlier and heard Dr. Lana Holstein speak and decided it would be a good thing for us in which to participate.  We’d been married more than 20 years by then and it seemed to me we could use a little more knowledge other than what we’d brought to the relationship when we were in our early 20’s.  My husband Sandy is a kind and gracious man and he has spent most of our married life doing his best to make sure I’m happy.  I am a lucky woman and I know it.  In the case of accepting this invitation, it took a lot of courage and humility to go along with me and I was very grateful when he accepted.  Dr. Holstein and her husband, Dr. David Taylor led the group and set up some ground rules right away and I never felt uncomfortable.  Yes, we learned a great deal but as with many learning experiences the most important lesson had very little to do with the curriculum.

It was obvious from the beginning that one of the couples, there were about 15 in attendance, was a strange match.  She was all bubbly and floaty and he was just plain grumpy.  He did not want to be there and he told us right away but, he said, he was there because he loved her and this was what she wanted.  We were there for four days and he complained the entire time.  Watching her was my greatest learning experience at the workshop.  She never paid any attention to his moaning.  She just let him be himself and did whatever she wanted to do.  She never grimaced or cringed when he would speak.  She never, ever apologized for his behavior.  After a short time, it was obvious she didn’t hold herself responsible for his behavior and because of her detachment no one in the group held her responsible for his behavior.  For me, it was pure enlightenment. 

I'd like to tell you that after that experience I never again acted embarrassed because someone I was with acted inappropriately, or acted in a way I judged reflected poor judgment.  But, while I could grasp this lesson mentally, it will probably take me a lifetime to absorb it emotionally. 

In the Al-Anon book One Day at a Time one of the readings tells a story about a woman who had just begun the program and after a short time decided the best way to deal with her alcoholic husband was to ignore him.  Up until that time, she would find him after falling out of bed, asleep on the floor.  She'd help him up, put him back in bed and then cover him up.  Then she'd go to bed.  After a couple of Al-Anon meetings, she decided she needed to take better care of herself.  So, she decided she wouldn't help him.  She'd leave him on the floor, step over him and just go to bed.  She shared this at one of the meetings.  Members explained that wasn't exactly what the program promoted.  She then came up with a happy medium.  She decided to cover him with a blanket and then step over him and go to bed. 

One time my husband and I found ourselves having dinner with a couple we had just met.  As the dinner progressed, the fellow kept ordering drinks.  By the end of the dinner it was quite obvious that he was very drunk.  I kept waiting for his wife to try to stop him from ordering.  When that didn't happen, I began to wait for her to correct him.  When that didn't happen, I thought maybe she'd get him away from the dinner and take him home.  When that didn't happen, I thought she'd begin to look embarrassed.  You guessed it.  She never responded in any way.  Once again, I saw myself completely absolve her of her husband's behavior.  She simply allowed him to be responsible for himself.  She was sober and elegant and classy and I was in awe. 

I had a friend tell me once that if her husband ever fell asleep in church, she would be furious.  I wondered why?  Maybe he snored?  Would his being asleep embarrass her?  Why should it?  She would still be awake.  Would someone look over, or maybe the preacher looks out and sees him sleeping and says, “Look at that woman next to the sleeping man.  I bet that’s his wife.  She must be a terrible person to allow him to sleep during the service.”?  If someone is judging you because of your companion's behavior, is that someone you care about?  Is that someone who you even want to know?

I wonder if we learn this kind of reaction from being a parent.  I think most people would agree that a parent is judged by their children's behavior.  How many times have you been in a situation when a child behaved poorly and you just wanted the parent to "do something" to correct the problem?  In Steven Covey's book Seven Habits of Highly Successful People he tells the story of a man on the subway with a couple of poorly behaved children.  People were obviously annoyed.  Finally, the father looked up and said, "My wife just died and I don't know what I should do."  People were no longer annoyed but why did he have to share that?  Why were people judging in the first place?  Why, if they were, didn't they give him the benefit of the doubt? 

Is this a control issue?  Do we feel we should be able to shape the atmosphere and therefore influence the behavior of those to whom we are close?  Once we recognize that we can't change anyone else; we can only change ourselves, perhaps then we can learn to just let go and let people be whoever they are, even if they're complete jerks. 

Another story in the One Day at a Time Al-Anon book refers to a tombstone that reads, "Here lies 'Morty Mort' he's finally minding his own business."  I hope by the time I'm laid to rest, I have finally absorbed the lesson that I am only responsible for my own behavior into not only my mind, but my heart and my spirit. 

Looking for Halos

Affirmations:  I see the holiness of people when I pay close attention to their loving spirits.

It is said Saint Francis of Assisi taught, "Preach the gospel at all times and when needed use worlds." I am fond of this quote.  It means I don't have to go around evangelizing the world, or at least my world, in order to promote my faith.  It relieves me of any anxiety I might feel because I am not a preacher and I'm not someone who likes to push their ideas on others, or am I?  Is it simply a matter of what I feel is safe?  Certainly, if I found the greatest shoe store ever or the best place online to order cute clothes, I'd share that without hesitation.  But, sharing my faith seems so different.  What's the saying about never discussing religion or politics?

At the Ignited by Truth Catholic Conference this April, Scott Hahn talked about St. Francis' teaching but he took it one step further.  He asked the two-thousand people attending, "How many people have you met who are so holy, their lives exemplify their faith."  How holy is my life?  Is it so holy that when people see me or interact with me, they are thinking, "Wow, I need to go check out Jean's belief system."?

I've inventoried my life and made a list of all those things I do to build my faith and to contribute to society.  I think it looks pretty good.  I'm not comparing it to anyone else's accomplishments for that is always a fatalistic exercise.  I'm simply saying that for a someone with my background and imperfections, I've made and continue to make a concerted effort to make the world, mine and the world in general, a better place.  As I compiled my list I wondered if God would be pleased?

My deceased friend and healer, Valerie Kelly, could see auras and the chakra colors.  When I walked in for a massage session with her, she immediately knew how I was feeling.  I never questioned whether she had that gift or not because she always gave me such comfort with her care.  I felt healed when I left her presence and part of that was when she would tell me one of my chakras, especially my heart chakra had opened and was an inviting green color.  Sometime, she would stand at the end of the table and be quiet for a minute and then say, "Good!  Your energy is flowing evenly and freely from your toes up through the crown of your head."  I always left there feeling like I was glowing.  It was such a gracious and glorious gift.

I can't see auras and I can't see chakra colors.  I don't see energy flowing through people bodies but lately, I think I can see halos.  In fact, this weekend, I saw halos everywhere.  I saw people who were so holy, they didn't need to preach.  I have no idea what religious traditions they follow but they dedicate their lives to the betterment of society and I was in awe.  I spent the weekend at the Preston Robert Tisch Brain Tumor events.  On Friday there were a series of lectures and informal presentations from the scientists, physicians, staff and patients associated with the program.  On Sunday the Angels Among Us Walk was held.  It was it's 20th year and there were 5000+ people present and they raises $2,015,000 for brain tumor research.  Both my father, Frank Grolimund and Sandy's father, Joseph Costa died from glioblastomas.  We are very invested in the eradication of brain cancer if not all cancer.

The dedication and commitment of the people I listened to and met with is phenomenal.  The brain tumor center at Duke is the premier center in the world.  This is where Senator Ted Kennedy came to be treated.  He's not the only well know person.  It is not uncommon for the influential and well-to-do to eventually arrive at the door of the Tisch Brain Tumor Center.  The research alone is enough to give one hope.  Recently, they have begun successfully injecting the polio virus with unparalleled success into qualified tumors.  I could see a few halos as theses dedicated Duke people shared the miracles they've seen.  The brightest halos however, were the ones hanging over some of the patients and their caregivers.

They shared stories of walks taken, bake sales given, basketball games played, and bike rides across the state or even the country.  They shared stories of reaching out to others even when they were in the depths of personal crises.  They were husbands and wives, fathers and mothers, sisters and brothers.  They were neighbors and fellow parishioners.  They were friends and they were community.  They had faced death in an upfront and very personal way and many had emerged with the strength and courage of an angel.  One of my favorite stories was told by Tony McEachern.  He's been battling brain cancer for almost ten years, a rare length of success.  He has begun the Team Tony Foundation.  He is a "lifelong jock" and now he has re-channeled his energy to focus on reaching out to other cancer patients.  Tony teases that the only place he isn't asked about his bad hair-do is at the brain tumor clinic.  He has many challenges as a result of his struggle but like so many I met this weekend, he is more concerned with bringing comfort and strength to others than he is with his own struggle.  I am sure I could see his halo.

You don't have to go to the Angels Among Us event to see halos.  I've decided they are everywhere.  There are so many amazing people who shine brightly because of their caring, generous, loving spirits.  I think the reason I haven't seen many halos before now is because I wasn't looking closely enough.  There are so many, thank God, who never need to use words.  Yes, preaching the bible can be a powerful exercise but I think St. Francis was righ-on when he encouraged us to lead by example, regardless of our religious preferences.  We can be be the light of God in this world if we choose to focus on others with a loving heart and maybe even form our own personal halos.

The Fragile Ego

Affirmation:  I have a childlike ego.

The yoga teacher took us from Warrior II into Side Angle.  The pose requires you to bend your front leg and lean over it and rest your forearm on your thigh.  Normally, your palm is faced downward.  "Turn your palm up" she said, "pretend you are holding something fragile, perhaps your ego."  I laughed out loud.  This is why I practice yoga.  I look everywhere for those messages that will enrich my life.  I search every day for those insights that will enable me to know myself better so that I may live a fuller, more meaningful existence.  This day, it came to me from my teacher, Karin Johnson, at Rex Wellness here in Cary, NC.  How fragile is my ego?

One day while attending a class we were encouraged to go into an asana known as Crow.  In this pose you squat down with your feet and knees wide and your palms between your legs, flat on the ground.  You are then suppose to raise up onto your palms while balancing your thighs against your upper arms.  I've done this pose.  It's not easy and requires upper body strength as well as balance.  Another reason I practice yoga is to take me out of my comfort zone.  When I attempt a pose that I know does not come easily, it makes me feel brave.  It's brave with a small "b" but it empowers me when I'm out in the world to be brave, sometimes even "Brave."  I took the position and slowly raised up onto my palms and then fell straight over onto my nose.  I fell with a very loud "whack!"  This particular yoga class had about thirty people in it and I know everyone of them heard the sound of my flop.  I hoped they were so involved in trying their own pose that they didn't look up but I was sure everyone was looking at me, if just to make sure I was still alive.

 "Yoga is not a competitive sport."  I start most of my classes with that statement.  "Bring you attention to your mat, into your body."  The purpose of yoga is to unite the mind and the body.  I usually add, "and the spirit."  I believe when we only focus on the physical aspect of the practice, we deny ourselves the real essence of yoga.  When we practice we are called to be present, to stay in the moment.  That's the reason the ancient yogis initially came up with all these contortions.  It's almost impossible to stand on one leg with your hands high in the air, Tree pose, and to be thinking about anything other than what you are doing in that moment.  You are fully present.  It's a gift.  It's the main lesson of the practice, stay in the here and the now.  Once you learn to do that on your mat, it too is something you can take out into the world and practice in your everyday life.  

I was lucky and my fall didn't result in a broken or bloody nose but it did result in a dented ego.  Most of the class knows I am a Registered Yoga Teacher and I pride myself on my ability to do some of the more advanced positions and there was my lesson.  I was prideful.  I am always telling people, "Anyone can do yoga."  But, the response I usually get is that they are not flexible enough.  What they are really saying is unless I'm already good at something, I am not willing to try it.  Our egos have become the wall that keeps us imprisoned in our small comfortable space.  Whenever I think of that fall while attempting the Crow pose, I laugh.  It was a wonderful lesson.  It was humbling and it was exactly what I needed to learn from that day's practice.  

Recently I attended the NC Senior Follies.  One of my fiddle buddies, Constance Belton, is the teacher and choreographer of the line dancing team, The Cary Cure Alls.  She and six other women did a mock strip tease to the song Fever.  They came out in scrubs and white coats with caps on their heads, surgical gloves and wearing stethoscopes and began to remove one item at a time while they tap danced.  (Look them up on YouTube.) They won one of the Gold Medals and were the overall champions.  There were about a dozen different acts.  Some of the seniors sang, some played musical instruments and one group call themselves The Shakers.  They are the Senior Game cheerleaders.  The event was pure fun.  

After being told to "hold my fragile ego gently in my palm." I began to think of all those other times when my ego prevented me from fully experiencing life.  I wondered when did that begin?  Certainly, as a child I wasn't afraid to try new things.  If that were true, one would never learn to walk or to talk.  One would never learn anything!  Those amazing seniors had put away their egos in order to go onto the stage and share their skills.  That's another secret to a full, rich, fun filled life; hold your ego gently and don't let it prevent you from trying something new, something at which you might not be good, something at which you might be terrible but who cares!  Life is too short not to experience it all.  Gently place your ego down and live life like a child whose is first exploring their world.

I heard a story about an older successful executive who was with a group of people when the topic turned to, "What have you always wanted to do that you haven't yet done."  He told the group he always wanted to try tap dancing.  That evening he looked up dance studios in his area and the next day he began his lessons.  He loved it!  For all I know, he's out there somewhere competing in his local Senior Follies.  For me, well maybe I'll try standing on my head in my next yoga class, maybe!