Unmet Expectations

Affirmation: I let go of affection, security and power.

Lee Smith, one of our beloved North Carolina writers spoke at the Olli program at NC State University this April. Her topic was, I Was Country When Country Wasn't Cool. She spoke for one and half hours and never missed a beat. She was funny and clever and very entertaining. I took out my phone at one point, not to check my messages, I hope she knew that, but to write down one of her shared quotes, "Expectations are the breeding ground of resentment." This, I felt, deserved some reflection.

I'm preparing for a walk along the El Camino de Santiago in Spain. I'm going with my friend, Susan Auman. We are going with Roads Scholar.
We are not walking the whole 500 plus miles. We are "only" walking about 50 miles or so, the last part of the famous pilgrimage. After my adventure last year with Isabelle to Alaska I realized how important it was to me to step outside of my comfort zone. This is way outside of my zone and it's been an interesting journey before I've even packed the suitcase. (More about that later.)

I've read the information packet and I've watched the movie, The Way, with Martin Sheen. I've got my plane tickets, hiking boots and hiking poles. I've got new walking pants that roll up and my old Outward Bound hat. I have sunscreen and Biofreeze. I've spent the last few weeks dotting the "i's" and crossing the "t's." I have had moments of complete panic and moments of total calm. At one point, I called Roads and spoke to a woman named Gale. I told her how anxious I felt and that I wanted to speak to the guide; that was not going to happen, she told me. Then she asked me what I was anxious about. "Everything!" I replied. At some point in the conversation she reminded me that millions of people have already done this. They've walked the entire path. She also reminded me that this is a pilgrimage and "a spiritual journey." With those words, the anxiety seeped out of me. It was like I had been in the dark and she came in and flipped on the light switch. I'd like to tell you that I've been calm ever since but that would not be true, although I have been calmer and that's been nice.

After listening to Lee Smith, I've tried very hard not to have any expectations for my trip. I have prayed that it be "uneventful." I think that's what people mean when they speak of "traveling mercies." If you've been watching the news lately, it appears travel is filled with situations that are far from pleasant and may even be life threatening, or deadly. Of course, that describes most of life, don't you think? I however, once again, get to choose on what I want to focus. I have asked my Guardian Angel to go ahead and pave the path with grace and ease. That practice brings me peace. I expect this to be an adventure, perhaps one of my life's most daring after breast cancer. This adventure however, I've chosen.

As I sat quietly one morning trying not to mentally pack (again) and to stay in the moment, I received a message, "Bring Rosaries."  I haven't had a lot of direct communication with God or in this case, Mother Mary, but I was very sure this wasn't my idea. When I rose from my sitting, I sent a note to all my Catholic friends asking for Rosary donations.  I felt I wasn't supposed to buy them.  I believe I am to bring the prayers and energy of my dear ones from home onto and into the walk.  What a wonderful response I've gotten.  Some came with notes wishing us well.  Some are from the Vatican, recently blessed by Pope Francis.  Some are homemade by the ladies of St. Michael the Archangel.  Others belonged to loved ones who have passed away.  There are even finger Rosaries.  Who knew there was such a thing?  I've already given a few away.  I know the dear ones I gifted will be holding us in their prayers as we walk along.  I like knowing that.  It makes me smile.

When I heard Lee Smith's quote, however, it was not travel that first came into my mind. The reason I believe it resonated so loudly with me is because I recognized the frustration I've experienced over the years with several important relationships. I'm guilty of expecting people to behave in a certain way or to respond to me in a certain manner and they don't always meet my expectations. I've got some amazing people in my life and I'm not proud of judging them as wanting because they didn't live up to my expectations and perhaps because I didn't even let them know what I wanted. I've been on the other side of this also and it's a very exhausting experience to try and meet someone's expectations whose needs are quite extensive but who doesn't want to appear needy and so doesn't tell you what they are.

The phrase I have adopted this year to begin my meditation with is, "I let go of affection, security and power and accept this moment exactly as it is." I say it before I begin meditating and have to say it several times during my quiet time. "I let go." How powerful is that? When I stop attaching my wants and desires on my loved ones, I give them permission to be whoever they are and I am then called upon to love them and accept them exactly as they are. Perhaps, once I can achieve that state, I can also allow myself to be the best I can be and not feel an obligation to create someone else's happiness, or even comfort. As I examine this new phrase, I wonder how much of my life has revolved around my expectations and if that's served me well or not? I think there's a difference between expectation and hope. The first is about the destination and the later is about the journey. I can be guilty of focusing on the destination when It comes to every aspect of my life not just my relationships or my travel but my faith, my material possessions, my health, my social life. None of that has brought me happiness or contentment. It's time to let go.

Maybe by letting go I will make more room for God in my life. Perhaps by letting go over and over again, just like I do in my mediation, I will finally be content and peaceful. I think my pilgrimage to Santiago de Compostella began the day I signed up for this journey and the lessons I am to learn and share started showing up almost immediately, including in Lee Smith's talk. Although one of my affirmations is, "The best is yet to come." Well, who is responsible for that? Perhaps that too can refer to the journey and not the destination. I'll let you know as I walk along. Look for an update or two but don't expect too much!





May the road rise up to meet you. May the wind be always at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face; the rains fall soft upon your fields and until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of His hand.
An Irish Blessing

My Rosary Collection

Claiming Courage

Affirmations:  I am courageous.

"I learned that courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.  The brave man is not the one who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear." Nelson Mandela

It seems lately the topic of conversation has often turned to the concept of courage.  Partly because my Women of Faith study group is reading The Ten Prayers God Always Says Yes To by Anthony DeStephano. One of the prayers is, "God grant me courage."  I loved the chapter of this topic.  I thought his presentation was clear and comprehensive and for me, just what I needed to "hear" at this time.

I know I have at least two positive affirmations that have bolstered my confidence over the years.  They are, I am a bold adventuress and I am audacious.  I say, "yes I can."  They have worked quite well for me.  Many times I've jumped into situations, well OK maybe I simply walked into them, which I was not sure about.  I'd usually come out the other side excited about what had taken place and exhilarated that I'd overcome my fear and anxiety.  It was always a very empowering experience. 

While those affirmations have been good, most of my days are fairly uneventful or at least not adventurous and yet I can carry with me a sense of concern; concern about my finances, my health or that of my loved ones, my relationships and especially about the future. 

Part of Anthony's premise was that we need to practice being courageous.  We need to pick up the quality, the gift every day.  At first we should start with small things and as our strength grows and our courage muscle becomes stronger, we will be able to be courageous at more challenging times.  They are a coming!  Or, perhaps they are already here.  The words were for me, filling a need.  His advice was exactly what I seemed to need at this particular time in my life.

I believe I am still grieving the death of my mother and her blessed but very difficult last several years of her life.  I know I will heal but for now the memory lingers and weighs on me and leaves me wondering about my future, my old age and my death. 

Think about the brave people you know?  Think about the brave people you have read about?  The first group that always comes to my mind are our service people.  I know for some they discovered courage in situations they never imagined they could endure.  Our veterans are some of our most remarkable heroes.  Then, our fire fighters come to mind.  My dad, Frank Grolimund, was a captain with the New York City volunteer fire fighters.  I vividly remember being with him as he ran into a burning building to help with whatever was necessary.  I believe he was very brave, if not a little crazy.  I think too of all the fire fighters who ran towards the dangers of the World Trade Center on 911. The memory still brings tears to my eyes. Then, there are all those people fighting cancer or some other life threatening illness.  I am here to tell you it takes an enormous amount of courage to continue that fight and sometimes even more, to allow yourself or a loved one, to let go.

The greatest example of courage for me, however, is that of Jesus Christ.  When I mediate on his time in the Garden of Gethsemane (Matthew 26:36-46) I cannot imagine the courage it must have taken for him to give himself completely over to His Father and get up and walk out to what he knew, he knew in every excruciating detail what he was to experience!  He must have asked His Father for courage that evening and it was obviously granted. 

Now, I have learned that God will also grant me courage if I only ask.  It will be one more answered prayer and I don't have to wait, I can claim it now.  I can claim it daily in all things, small and with practice, large.  "God grant me courage."  I am asking and I believe in answered prayer and with that comes a new affirmation, I am courageous.

How about you? Want to overcome fear and become brave?  Want more courage?  Join me.  Ask!

Faith or Fear, You Choose

Affirmation:  I let go of fear and anxiety.

The paper the technician handed me read, “We are pleased to inform you that the results of your recent mammogram show no evidence of cancer." I had dodged another bullet.  I had escaped death once again.  I could breathe a little easier for another year.  It had been over a decade since I was treated for cancer but somehow it didn't matter on the morning I had my appointment.  It's usually been a very early appointment.  I have an hour's drive and I have trouble getting out of the house.  I know why.  I have the same trouble getting to the dentist on time.  I was afraid.  I was nervous.  Mind you, I am not planning on getting cancer again.  Of course, I wasn't planning on getting it the first time.  I know a lot of people who carry around the worry of a cancer diagnosis, especially if there's a family history.  My elderly aunt had breast cancer and my father died of a brain tumor at the age of 62 but I took really good care of myself.  You know, I ate right, I exercised and I monitored my thoughts.  I never dreamed I'd have breast cancer.  I was truly shocked when I was told the diagnosis.

I have since discovered it's not an unusual reaction.  Many many people are simply rolling along when they receive this diagnosis.  The truth is we should be less surprised to not receive some sort of health challenge at some point in our lives rather than the other way around.  One man who is a patient at the Preston Robert Tish Brain Tumor Center told a group of us that he had a headache and surprisingly woke up from it in the hospital.  He was a very robust man with an abundant amount of energy and a big personality.  He heard them saying, "You have a brain tumor, a glioblastoma."  He laughed and said, "You're talking to the wrong person.  You've made a mistake." But, they hadn't.

These diagnoses are like terrorist's attacks.  One day you're walking down the street and BOOM, a bomb goes off.  There might have been a warning sign but many times there is not. One of my physicians graciously told me that the cancer wasn't anything I did or didn't do; it was a "random act of violence."  In one way, that gave me a lot of comfort.  I didn't need to find blame either within or without but it meant that I was vulnerable to the whims of the world and with that thought, I found I felt unsafe.  It left me fearful.  I wondered what else was going on inside my body that I was totally unaware of?  And, I was afraid.

Fear can be a debilitating disease.  It can rob us of our joy, of some of our happiest moments.  It can steal our whole lives from us if we let it but how do we deal with it?  When I was invited to join my daughter-in-law on a trip to Ecuador, I didn't hesitate to say yes but I want to confess I was afraid.  I have read many stories of people being abducted in third world counties and taken off into the jungle, or worse and being held for years and years.  I knew this fear of being kidnapped was irrational but was it?  Maybe I simply wasn't listening to my spiritual guides who were telling me not to go?  But, I wasn't going to miss this opportunity, so my guides and angels had better step up and protect me.  I was also extra vigilant and extremely careful.  As I sat on the steps of the Virgin de Panecillo at the top of Quito looking out over the evening lights of the whole city, I cried.  I thought, "Fear might have kept me from having this experience.  How horrible that would have been." It wasn't the first time I shed tears on that trip and it wasn't the last.  It was an amazing journey. 

So, on that early Friday morning when I was heading off for my yearly mammogram, I recognized the visitor who had arrived with the ringing of my alarm clock.  Fear was here. I recall the first time I heard the phrase; Faith or fear.  It was in a sermon at a church I was visiting.  It was one of those moments when I felt a light go on.  I knew exactly what the priest was talking about.  I had a choice.  How was I going to live my life?  Well, I decided right then and there, I was not going to have my life's choices dictated by fear.  And, I have been deciding that every day, ever since.  I have had to make it a meditation.  There are days, like on that early Friday morning of my appointment when I had to decide moment to moment to stay centered and calm.  Deciding was the easy part; making the choice, putting it into practice, well, that's a whole other story. Once again, I was faced with finding a way to live with Faith and to let go of the fear.  That's when I created the affirmation:  "I let go of fear and anxiety."  It's evolved over the years.  I now not only focus on the letting go of those emotions that don't serve me; I now focus on strengthening my Faith.  I have several affirmations that I say to increase my sense of well-being; to make me believe that no matter what is happening, I am alright because my Faith is strong and helping me stay in a good place.

I am now officially a "cancer survivor." You actually get to claim that title whenever you want.  There are no hard and fast rules.  A few years back my breast oncologist approached me with the concept of creating a Survivorship Clinic which women like myself, women who were out of treatment for several years and appeared to be doing well, would visit for their yearly appointment, instead of seeing him.  I agreed.  My visit at Duke this Friday morning was to be in this clinic with a physician's assistant who specialized in breast cancer treatment.  It included an hour group session, the mammogram and a full exam.  Well, I really didn't need a group session.  There wasn't really any more information I could gather.  I was fine.  Right! 

There I sat with six other people, only three patients and a nutritionist, a breast oncologist and the PA.  The topics quickly turned to how to stay optimally healthy, what effect a breast cancer diagnosis and treatment has on one's long term health and what our best choices might be.  It was a delightful morning, informative and empowering.  The other people in the group were very interesting.  The information they shared was extremely helpful. I invited a dear friend to join me for the mammogram appointment.  We had a nice visit.  Actually, I had a really good time.  I was given that wonderful paper announcing my cancer free breasts, I learned some new things, I had a wonderful exam and I visited with a dear friend and met a few really interesting new people.

My daily affirmation to deal with the uncertainties of life focuses on my faith in God.  One, I tell myself that, "When I stay focused on the present, my life is peaceful."  And, along with that I tell myself, daily, sometimes moment to moment that, "Because of my relationship with my Lord Jesus Christ, I can let go of fear and anxiety and fully trust in His loving care for me." 

I made it back from Ecuador without being kidnapped.  I made it through my yearly breast appointment without a cancer diagnosis.  I know I will experience other challenges in my life, things I may not even be able to imagine but with my focus on Faith, by letting go of the fear, I hope that whatever life brings, I will have at some point in the experience tears of joy and be saying to myself, "Fear might have kept me from having this experience.  How horrible that would have been."