Blessings & Friends

I accept my friends as they are, fully appreciate the ways they bless my life and hold them in my daily prayers.

There has been much written about how a social support system can bolster one's immunity.  Not only do they increase our proclivity towards good health but they can increase our chances for a long, fulfilling life. 

Relationships take work.  Two people can meet and experience "love at first sight" but, if that relationship is to survive, better yet thrive, it usually means it needs to be nurtured.

Some friendships are low maintenance and others require a lot of effort.  Friendships can wax and wane.  How many people have you had in your life that seemed to just disappear?  It's all a natural part of life although sometimes it can be hard to understand. 

I've lived many different places and found myself almost completely on my own many times, especially those initial days after my husband and I had just moved.  When we moved to Norwich, NY, a town of 7,000 people in 1971, I spent my first day in a motel room with our six week old daughter while my husband began his new job.  The following weeks weren't much easier but this little town had a Newcomer's Club with child care that saved my sanity, if not my life.  Some of those women (yes, we were all women) are still in my life and we, my husband and I left there in 1976. 

One of our moves took us to Cincinnati, Ohio.  I felt like I'd landed on the moon.  We arrived there with two small children.  One of my first calls was to the local Newcomer's Club where I was informed I couldn't join; I wasn't living within their accepted boundaries.  And, such a club did not exist in my area.  Goodbye!  As I stood there wondering what I should do next, I saw someone standing at the backyard gate.  She waved and entered my life, a new friend.  Thank God! 

While in Cincinnati one woman shared with me that she noticed some newcomers moving in down her street.  I asked if she'd gone to meet them.  "No," she replied "I don't have time for any more people in my life."  I was glad I hadn’t moved by her.  That's when I realized many of the people in our neighborhood felt the same way.  It made me sad.  It still makes me sad and that was many years ago.  When we moved from that community one of the neighbors said to me "Moving again, honey?"  We had been in our home almost ten years!  The interesting part of this experience was that those neighbors who maintained a more open, adventurous approach to new relationships were truly remarkable people, many of whom became very dear friends and who to this day we still consider dear friends. 

We have now lived in North Carolina for over twenty-five years.  We've been very active in the Triangle community, supporting, joining and working for many organizations.  We've been mostly blessed by the relationships and friendships we've forged.  I once heard a woman proclaim that once she stopped going to her children's school bus stop, she stopped making new friends.  I haven't been to a school bus stop in over thirty years but by embracing life, trying new things and staying committed to those I enjoy, new and wonderful friends keep appearing.  Both my husband and I embrace those good folks who open their lives, homes and hearts to new relationships. 

We need those relationships.  We need to have people in our lives, other than family, who care for us and for whom we care.  Each person in our life brings a different blessing.  One may be someone you can go to with health issues, another someone with whom you play.  Another may be of a similar spiritual proclivity, while another may not be and cause you to question and grow.  One may be someone who likes to take a walk and another who likes to sit and talk.  One may live close by and share in several of your activities and another may live far away and connects only periodically. 

Sometimes we choose to end a friendship and at other times that ending is chosen for us.  When there is a clear reason for the dissolution of the relationship it can be easier to let go and move on but when it remains a puzzle, it can be much more difficult to disconnect.  This rift can create a wound in the heart that may require a healing balm; prayer, counseling or both.  There is not always a clear vision of why someone has chosen to drop out of our lives.  We can find ourselves wondering what we did when many times it had very little to do with us.  I had a longtime friend who dropped me very suddenly and no matter how I reached out, there was absolutely no response.  I couldn’t imagine what I had done.  Several months later I ran into a mutual friend of ours and was told she had stopped contacting him too.  Eventually, we found out that she was suffering from severe depression and had disconnected herself from everyone.  It reminded me of calling someone and having them hang up on me as I stood there wondering what in the world I had done to cause such a reaction only to find out there was an emergency taking place.

There are times, however, when it is essential to end a relationship especially when that friendship has become toxic; when the friendship saps your energy and is causing you to become unwell.  When you have done all in your power but to no avail to sooth the distress this relationship is causing, it is probably time to walk away.  I feel it is best to let that person know you wish there was another way but for your well-being you need to separate.  It's never easy, although the other person probably also recognizes there's a problem.  But, even in our difficult friendships there are blessings to be found.  Even those people who drove us crazy added to the fiber and the color of our lives.  Perhaps they are the reason we are as strong and resourceful as we are; by dealing with them we learned how to care for ourselves without holding onto any ill will.

My favorite friendships are those that develop because of similar interests and scheduled activities.  They always seem like the easiest.  These remind me of baking a cake.  Once I've mixed all the ingredients and poured them into the pan, I simply have to put it in the oven and watch it rise.  But, not all relationships afford us with those easy opportunities.  Many of my friendships must be carefully nurtured to make sure they are sustained and continue to grow.  I may have to do this by setting aside specific times to share a meal; perhaps it means an email or even an old fashioned letter.  I love to send snail-mail birthday cards.  

My goal is to maintain healthy, enriching friendships while also keeping enough energy to care for myself.  It can be a very thin line especially with the availability of connecting via all the latest technologies; email, Facebook, Twitter etc.  It seems every day I decide how much energy is going into my relationships and how much I must reserve for myself.  One way I do this is by praying daily for my friends, those far and near, those dear and daunting, those easy and challenging.  I believe that my prayers will bless their lives and that way, even if I’m not actively contacting them, they are in my thoughts and in God’s hands.  My intention is to value each friend for who they are and what they bring into my life.  I'm not here to judge them.  I am here to simply accept them and whenever possible to love and support them.  It helps me to remind myself "I accept my friends as they are, fully appreciate the ways they bless my life and hold them in my daily prayers."