Unmet Expectations

Affirmation: I let go of affection, security and power.

Lee Smith, one of our beloved North Carolina writers spoke at the Olli program at NC State University this April. Her topic was, I Was Country When Country Wasn't Cool. She spoke for one and half hours and never missed a beat. She was funny and clever and very entertaining. I took out my phone at one point, not to check my messages, I hope she knew that, but to write down one of her shared quotes, "Expectations are the breeding ground of resentment." This, I felt, deserved some reflection.

I'm preparing for a walk along the El Camino de Santiago in Spain. I'm going with my friend, Susan Auman. We are going with Roads Scholar.
We are not walking the whole 500 plus miles. We are "only" walking about 50 miles or so, the last part of the famous pilgrimage. After my adventure last year with Isabelle to Alaska I realized how important it was to me to step outside of my comfort zone. This is way outside of my zone and it's been an interesting journey before I've even packed the suitcase. (More about that later.)

I've read the information packet and I've watched the movie, The Way, with Martin Sheen. I've got my plane tickets, hiking boots and hiking poles. I've got new walking pants that roll up and my old Outward Bound hat. I have sunscreen and Biofreeze. I've spent the last few weeks dotting the "i's" and crossing the "t's." I have had moments of complete panic and moments of total calm. At one point, I called Roads and spoke to a woman named Gale. I told her how anxious I felt and that I wanted to speak to the guide; that was not going to happen, she told me. Then she asked me what I was anxious about. "Everything!" I replied. At some point in the conversation she reminded me that millions of people have already done this. They've walked the entire path. She also reminded me that this is a pilgrimage and "a spiritual journey." With those words, the anxiety seeped out of me. It was like I had been in the dark and she came in and flipped on the light switch. I'd like to tell you that I've been calm ever since but that would not be true, although I have been calmer and that's been nice.

After listening to Lee Smith, I've tried very hard not to have any expectations for my trip. I have prayed that it be "uneventful." I think that's what people mean when they speak of "traveling mercies." If you've been watching the news lately, it appears travel is filled with situations that are far from pleasant and may even be life threatening, or deadly. Of course, that describes most of life, don't you think? I however, once again, get to choose on what I want to focus. I have asked my Guardian Angel to go ahead and pave the path with grace and ease. That practice brings me peace. I expect this to be an adventure, perhaps one of my life's most daring after breast cancer. This adventure however, I've chosen.

As I sat quietly one morning trying not to mentally pack (again) and to stay in the moment, I received a message, "Bring Rosaries."  I haven't had a lot of direct communication with God or in this case, Mother Mary, but I was very sure this wasn't my idea. When I rose from my sitting, I sent a note to all my Catholic friends asking for Rosary donations.  I felt I wasn't supposed to buy them.  I believe I am to bring the prayers and energy of my dear ones from home onto and into the walk.  What a wonderful response I've gotten.  Some came with notes wishing us well.  Some are from the Vatican, recently blessed by Pope Francis.  Some are homemade by the ladies of St. Michael the Archangel.  Others belonged to loved ones who have passed away.  There are even finger Rosaries.  Who knew there was such a thing?  I've already given a few away.  I know the dear ones I gifted will be holding us in their prayers as we walk along.  I like knowing that.  It makes me smile.

When I heard Lee Smith's quote, however, it was not travel that first came into my mind. The reason I believe it resonated so loudly with me is because I recognized the frustration I've experienced over the years with several important relationships. I'm guilty of expecting people to behave in a certain way or to respond to me in a certain manner and they don't always meet my expectations. I've got some amazing people in my life and I'm not proud of judging them as wanting because they didn't live up to my expectations and perhaps because I didn't even let them know what I wanted. I've been on the other side of this also and it's a very exhausting experience to try and meet someone's expectations whose needs are quite extensive but who doesn't want to appear needy and so doesn't tell you what they are.

The phrase I have adopted this year to begin my meditation with is, "I let go of affection, security and power and accept this moment exactly as it is." I say it before I begin meditating and have to say it several times during my quiet time. "I let go." How powerful is that? When I stop attaching my wants and desires on my loved ones, I give them permission to be whoever they are and I am then called upon to love them and accept them exactly as they are. Perhaps, once I can achieve that state, I can also allow myself to be the best I can be and not feel an obligation to create someone else's happiness, or even comfort. As I examine this new phrase, I wonder how much of my life has revolved around my expectations and if that's served me well or not? I think there's a difference between expectation and hope. The first is about the destination and the later is about the journey. I can be guilty of focusing on the destination when It comes to every aspect of my life not just my relationships or my travel but my faith, my material possessions, my health, my social life. None of that has brought me happiness or contentment. It's time to let go.

Maybe by letting go I will make more room for God in my life. Perhaps by letting go over and over again, just like I do in my mediation, I will finally be content and peaceful. I think my pilgrimage to Santiago de Compostella began the day I signed up for this journey and the lessons I am to learn and share started showing up almost immediately, including in Lee Smith's talk. Although one of my affirmations is, "The best is yet to come." Well, who is responsible for that? Perhaps that too can refer to the journey and not the destination. I'll let you know as I walk along. Look for an update or two but don't expect too much!





May the road rise up to meet you. May the wind be always at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face; the rains fall soft upon your fields and until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of His hand.
An Irish Blessing

My Rosary Collection

Journaling for Health and Healing

Affirmation: I am a Journaler.  

Why Journal?  Why put pen to paper?  Is it true that writing makes a difference in one’s health and can even speed up the healing process?  What other benefits arise from sitting with a notebook or a pad or perhaps some colored pencils or markers?  Are there techniques that help one become a more consistent, insightful writer? These are the questions that arose as I prepared to present Healing through Writing at the 2017 Cancer Survivorship Summit here in Raleigh, NC.

If history is any indication of the importance of keeping a diary, it appears there is little doubt that most successful endeavors were meticulously recorded.  In the past an adventurer or explorer never seemed to leave home without a notebook and pen or pencil.  Certainly, Lewis and Clarke would not have been able to share every important detail of their expedition if they hadn't been charged to write down everything that they encountered.  Why then shouldn't we write?  Aren't we all on an adventure?  Aren't our explorations as important as any explorer's?  True, our journeys may take us less out into the world, than in towards our minds, hearts and souls but those may be the journeys where we discover the most relevant truths of our lives.

Research has been done for years regarding the practice of journaling or expressive writing and anything you Google will tell you that writing can make a positive difference in whatever you're experiencing.  It doesn't matter what the challenge, writing can make a difference in everything from depression to dementia, from aches and pains to high blood pressure, from your outlook to your sense of well-being.  Truly, it would seem if they could bottle the process and sell it, it would be the miracle cure-all so many are seeking.  Unfortunately, like many healthful habits (exercise and healthy food choices to name just two) it requires discipline and a belief that it is going to enhance your life.  

One reason given for the clarity that journaling can bring is that you are being called upon to use both sides or your brain, the rational and the creative.  I, personally, can get very muddled when faced with some situations but once I begin writing about them, I can find solutions at which I would have never arrived if I hadn't written about it.  

Beginning the Practice

*Grab a pen and some paper, not a keyboard.  

*Decide to set aside some part of your day, preferably in the morning to just sit and write, maybe      just a few minutes to begin.

*Adopt a few comforting rituals to go with the practice.  For example, make a cup of tea or coffee, play some soothing music, light a candle, perhaps say a prayer or take a few deep breaths, burn some incense, wrap up in a blanket, find a comfy chair.  Make this a nurturing experience. 

*Don't beat yourself up if you miss a day or two.  Feel good about any time you've managed to sit and write.

*Find an approach that feels good to you.  I follow the Julia Cameron approach from The Artists Way of writing three pages every morning.  She never mentions how big or small the pages are to be or how big or small your writing is to be.  You decide that.  Once you've found what works for you, try it for a while but stay flexible.

*Don't edit anything.  Don't worry about the spelling or the  grammar.  It is never a good or bad entry; it's simply a learning experience.  

*If you don't know what to write about, write, "I don't know what to write about."  If you write something that unsettles you, go back to it when you're done and see if you can rephrase it or learn from it or perhaps when you return to it, you will feel better about it and you can simply let it go.  Perhaps the exercise is calling you to seek professional help. That too can be very good information.

*I personally like to write a phrase or intention that I have adopted for the year at the top of my daily entry.  I then like to write about three joys I experienced from the day before and one joy I am hoping to experience that day.  That part of my practice comes from The Joy of Appreciative Living by Jacqueline Kelm.

Journaling Prompts

Free Writing - Put the pen to the paper and just go.  Whatever comes to mind.  My experience has been that after writing my "stream of consciousness" for a few pages, a gem or two appears towards the end of the entry, not always but enough to make me feel like the time was spent well.

Letter Form - Choose a person and tell them your story. It could be someone from your past, or maybe that special someone in your future.  It could be a stranger who showed kindness or a doctor or technician who is part of your healing process.  Maybe it's a former sweetheart to whom you never really said goodbye to or a parent, living or deceased you never told, "I love you."  Once you begin your list, it might provide you with material to write a book.  This letter is yours, however, don't send it unless you're sure that's the right next step.

Life Map - Write out some of the highlights of your life.  I'm sure a few immediately come to mind.  Start with one of them and journey to the next one, go back, go forward.  It doesn't matter, just reminisce in writing.  

Questions - I know have I more questions about life and the world than I have answers.  There are questions about the unknown, about relationships, about what's going on in my body, about why I respond a certain way to certain people.  It's an endless list.  Ask one and let the pen help you find an answer.  

Listing - Begin by making a list, a list of anything; colors, shapes, scents, foods, places, etc.  Choose five or so and begin writing about whatever comes to mind about that topic and each item.

Quotations - I usually read something motivational every morning and inspirational every night.  They aren't necessarily long reads, some are just a paragraph or two but many times they lead me to some wonderful quotes.  I like to record them and perhaps see where they fit in my life and how I can use them to enhance the way I live.

Interviews - Check in with what's going on in your body once in a while.  Find out why that tummy is upset, or perhaps why your back is achy.  Maybe you want to dialogue with a new condition?  I'm not trying to say your brain caused your ailment, but I am saying there is always a lesson to be learned and journaling about the issue can be very enlightening. 

Inner Child - Take an inventory of what brought you joy as a child and write about it and see if there isn't a way for you to incorporate some of that joy into your present life.   

Focus on Nature - One sure fire way to step outside of ourselves and bring us to a greater sense of awareness is to step outside into nature.  Focus on the miracles of this world or perhaps those outside of the earth, the stars, moon and galaxies.  Write about the flowers, the rivers, the wind and the sun.  Focus on all of the amazing gifts we have been given and so often take for granted.  

Log of Success - It's easy to beat ourselves up, especially when we aren't feeling our best.  Take a look at what you consider the highlights of your life and journal about those.  Then take a little while to examine them and allow a sense of accomplishment to resonate within.

Question Your Higher-Self - Many journalers have asked their higher-selves questions to which they simply could not get a clear answer and then allowed the pen to write out the answer.  There are several books about writing out a question to one's guardian angel or spirit guide and how rewarding and surprising it can be when the answer appears.  

Draw, Paint, Color, Collage - There are many ways to journal and some days you might just want to try something different, a picture, a collage, a Mandela.  Let it appear on the page and then see what it "tells" you.  

Prompts - Many writers use "prompts" to begin their writing process.  It can be a photo, a statue, a bit of nature, a quote, a painting.  It really doesn't matter.  Once you use a prompt and see where it leads you, let go and go crazy with it, you will never again have nothing to write about.  

There are many approaches and a lot of scientific data to back up the exercise of keeping a journal or a diary but the best proof of its effectiveness is when you notice that you're feeling better, perhaps calmer, more grounded, not as anxious, surer of your direction or more ready to give and receive love.  When qualities that enhance your life and nurture your spirit start to appear as a regular part of your daily existence, you won't care why this discipline works; you'll only care that you've finally discovered it and put it into practice.