Crisis of Faith

Affirmation:  I freely forgive myself and others.

I am having a crisis of faith.  I’ve been fortunate enough to attend within the last month, two workshops revolving around mindfulness.  The first was a two day yoga workshop taught by a Buddhist monk.  The second was a day long silent sangha (community gathering) taught by an ordained minister in the tradition of Tich Nat Han.  Along with these two events, I have been immersed in my Catholic Lenten tradition.  The same themes keep coming up:  Love, Kindness, Compassion & Equanimity.   One of my affirmations is:  I live a Christ-centered life of love, peace, joy, gratitude and compassion.  I have been working on these themes for a long time but I have a question, something about which I am very confused.  At what point in a relationship are we supposed to take care of ourselves?  According to AA, that’s one of our first responsibilities but whenever it’s addressed in a spiritual context, it’s always about being forgiving and compassionate towards the other.  Throughout Lent and these workshops, I have been led to look at the things that people do that upset me and find in myself what is wrong with me and then to respond to them with loving kindness.  I am kind.  I do forgive.  I have worked hard in my life to not overreact to someone else’s issues but don’t you think there are times when we have a responsibility to remove ourselves from a relationship?  And, don’t you think no matter how gently you try to do that, the other person generally gets angry with you, feels hurt and abandoned?  And then what?  What is your responsibility then?  Are you supposed to continue to be a part of their lives at your own expense?  Let’s take an extreme case, how about someone who abuses you, either physically or verbally?  We can’t possibly be expected to stay in a relationship like that.  What does the Buddhist say then, or Tich Nat Han or Jesus?  When is this discussed?  I can tell you, it wasn’t discussed at the retreats I attended.  It never seems to be discussed.  It always seems to me like I am getting the same message:  Get along with everyone.  If you’re not getting along with someone, it is something within you that is askew.  Isn’t it possible to forgive others but not want them in your life?  How do the “spiritually evolved” balance self care and compassion?   If we are not compassionate with ourselves, how can we possibly be compassionate towards others?  Isn’t the greatest commandment, "Love your neighbor as yourself? " Perhaps, the answer lies here in this writing.  Maybe it is a question of balance.  Finding that place in you where you can love another but recognize that in order to survive you need to love yourself, too. 

Why I Believe

Affirmation:   I know by meditating on Jesus throughout my day, I am in union with the Divine; miracles are created and without struggle my life will be transformed in ways beyond my imagination.  Thank you, Loving Jesus, for entering into my heart and strengthening our connection.

Faith, what does that look like to you?  My husband says it’s “trust on steroids.”  It has also been said, the opposite of faith is not doubt but certainty.  I am not certain.  I have listened to others talk about their faith and their relationship with Jesus.  I have heard the stories of the “born again.”  Many times I am filled with envy and always with quite a few questions.  My faith journey has been slow and steady, climbing up, slipping down, ever hopeful that I don’t slip below my last starting place.

I have not found it easy to be faith filled.  I have to work at it every day.  Why do I work on it?  Why is it important to me?  How will it benefit me?  Will it benefit me?

I love to read and hear the sermons about God’s bountiful love and care for us, His children.  There are many preachers who see God as this entity that only wants what’s best for us.  And, they lead me to believe that His best is also my best.  There is where the difficulty lies.  Oh, yes, I would like to believe that.  I would like to believe that anything I prayed for would come to pass but I know that’s not true.  We don’t get everything we ask for, sometimes it seems like someone isn’t’ even out there.  Thankfully, sometimes we get something even better than we could have imagined.

So, why do I want to live a life of faith?  Is it to ensure that my afterlife will be comfortable, not the fires of hell?  Well, even that aspect isn’t guaranteed, is it? 

Today, as I journaled about this question, I decided the reason I want to be faith filled, meditating on Jesus throughout the day is that I believe God is with me.  I believe God never leaves me, if I ask Him to be with me.  It is I who comes and goes.  I believe that through my faith, I will be able to deal with whatever life throws at me.  And, that whatever that is, through faith, it will be miraculously transformed into something good, maybe something great, something beyond my wildest imagination.

I need to believe.  I have chosen to believe.  I have chosen the theology and doctrine that I grew up with.  It’s not perfect but it enables me to live life with less fear and anxiety than I could without it.  For today, this is my faith.  This is why I believe.