Being a Victim

Affirmation:  I rest in the inquiry. I stand in my power.

The young woman named Dina (She was one of our tour directors.) was giving the description about Austria and she was clever and quite funny.  She came from Vienna and because of that I felt very comfortable when she described a "typical" Austrian.  "We are a people who always feel like we are being victimized.  Tell me a tale about one of your problems and I will tell you one about myself that is worse than yours.  We have a black cloud always hovering above us.  The good news is we don't take ourselves too seriously, so we can laugh at our problems."  I was fascinated.  I wondered why the Austrian people had this impression about their lives.  Was it nature or nurture?  Certainly they had been through some terrible times.  The tales we heard about the experiences of the people of Eastern Europe were beyond sad and extremely disturbing.  I wondered if all the people in countries that had experienced horrible historical eras had the same general sense of being victims?  What about Russia, Estonia, Slovakia, Hungary, Poland, North Korea or Japan?  How about Vietnam?  What about the mid-east or some parts of Africa?  Do the people in all of these areas of the world feel like victims. 

I don't like to classify an entire population into one category but certain characteristics do seem more prevalent in some cultures than in others.  For instance when my husband, Sandy and I traveled through Ireland, we discovered the Irish people love to help lost travelers.  They certainly loved helping us.  We were always lost and they couldn't do enough to get us back on the right road.  We stopped to talk to one fellow out in the county side who stopped mowing his lawn to give us directions and just about invited us in for tea.  I'm sure if I named a nationality, you would come up with an adjective or two that you believe described them.  How about the Italians, the Japanese, the Germans, or the Latinos?  Did a couple of words pop up for you?

There have been times in my life when I could have felt like a victim.  I remember people asking me if I wondered why I had developed breast cancer.  Did I rail at God, "Why me, Lord?"  No, I did not.  It never occurred to me to even ask that question. Dr. Mark Graham told me it wasn’t anything I did or did not do; it was a “random act of violence.”  That might have made me feel even more

vulnerable, but for some reason it may have brought me a sense of peace. The thought came to me after listening to our guide that I probably don't have any Austrian blood in me.  I couldn't imagine living a life where I always went around feeling victimized.  How would that improve the quality of my life?  I think I'd be a real grump and a very unhappy person.  It certainly wouldn't fit in with my concept of creating an intentional life, a life of peace and love, joy, compassion and gratitude. However, upon more careful consideration, I realized there have been many times in my life when I found myself feeling powerless, small and insignificant.  At those moments I did not step up and out.  I did not claim my power and even in the midst of "random acts" we still have choices.  We still have the opportunity to decide how we perceive our situation and what we are going to do or not do.   

I asked Dina, sometimes referred to as "Dina Marie" and her coworker, Scott, whose home is in China, if in their travels they had noticed this victimization attitude in other countries where the people had experienced years of suffering and repression.  They said they hadn't really thought about it.  The documentary The Singing Revolution takes place in Estonia.  It was an excellent film depicting life in Estonia through the last hundred years and it presented a people who even though they were suffering, decided to continue their ancient tradition of a mass sing-along.  It presented a picture of hope and positive behavior even during these more than difficult times.  

I've read and watched a lot of stories about WW I and WW II and about man's inhumanity towards man, especially about the horrors committed against the Jewish people.  As we traveled through Eastern Europe and listened to the guides describe the situations which caused the deaths of so many people, thousands upon thousands, or through which they lived, I began to understand why the people in these countries would still feel a sense of travesty and powerlessness. To be completely honest,

however, I know, with a capital "K" that I have never experienced the repression and torment that so many in the world have in the past or are presently experiencing.  I probably cannot even imagine the horrors that are taking place.  On our last evening of this trip, Scott, also affectionately know as "Scotty Boy" left us all with this advice, "Now that you have traveled this part of the world, maybe the next time you see or hear of something distressing that they are experiencing, you will feel a deeper connection, a greater sense of compassion."  He mentioned that one way to break down the barriers of prejudice and hatred is to be exposed to another's culture.  I am hoping that faced with such struggle, I could muster enough strength perhaps because of my relationship with my God, that I would not perceive my situation as hopeless.

The lesson here for me is that we always have a choice about how we want to perceive our situation. The more I thought about this feeling of being a victim, the more I realized it is not unusual for people to perceive themselves as victims even if they have never lived in a war torn country.  As far as the people I know most have lived in the US and are part of the blessed minority like myself who have not gone through the horrors of war and oppression.  The people I’ve met who perceive themselves as victims, are the people who believe that whatever happens to them is totally beyond their control; there in nothing they can do about it.  They don't or can't recognize that even in the most dire of situations we can choose to believe that we at some point can affect change.  Our sense of purpose and power lies within us, not beyond our control.  Daily we are called up to look at our attitudes and to examine our beliefs and then to rise up and to claim our power.  If we practice daily, in the smaller things of life, perhaps if and when we are faced with the larger, more daunting events we will be able to “rest in the inquiry and stand in our power.”

Blessings & Friends

I accept my friends as they are, fully appreciate the ways they bless my life and hold them in my daily prayers.

There has been much written about how a social support system can bolster one's immunity.  Not only do they increase our proclivity towards good health but they can increase our chances for a long, fulfilling life. 

Relationships take work.  Two people can meet and experience "love at first sight" but, if that relationship is to survive, better yet thrive, it usually means it needs to be nurtured.

Some friendships are low maintenance and others require a lot of effort.  Friendships can wax and wane.  How many people have you had in your life that seemed to just disappear?  It's all a natural part of life although sometimes it can be hard to understand. 

I've lived many different places and found myself almost completely on my own many times, especially those initial days after my husband and I had just moved.  When we moved to Norwich, NY, a town of 7,000 people in 1971, I spent my first day in a motel room with our six week old daughter while my husband began his new job.  The following weeks weren't much easier but this little town had a Newcomer's Club with child care that saved my sanity, if not my life.  Some of those women (yes, we were all women) are still in my life and we, my husband and I left there in 1976. 

One of our moves took us to Cincinnati, Ohio.  I felt like I'd landed on the moon.  We arrived there with two small children.  One of my first calls was to the local Newcomer's Club where I was informed I couldn't join; I wasn't living within their accepted boundaries.  And, such a club did not exist in my area.  Goodbye!  As I stood there wondering what I should do next, I saw someone standing at the backyard gate.  She waved and entered my life, a new friend.  Thank God! 

While in Cincinnati one woman shared with me that she noticed some newcomers moving in down her street.  I asked if she'd gone to meet them.  "No," she replied "I don't have time for any more people in my life."  I was glad I hadn’t moved by her.  That's when I realized many of the people in our neighborhood felt the same way.  It made me sad.  It still makes me sad and that was many years ago.  When we moved from that community one of the neighbors said to me "Moving again, honey?"  We had been in our home almost ten years!  The interesting part of this experience was that those neighbors who maintained a more open, adventurous approach to new relationships were truly remarkable people, many of whom became very dear friends and who to this day we still consider dear friends. 

We have now lived in North Carolina for over twenty-five years.  We've been very active in the Triangle community, supporting, joining and working for many organizations.  We've been mostly blessed by the relationships and friendships we've forged.  I once heard a woman proclaim that once she stopped going to her children's school bus stop, she stopped making new friends.  I haven't been to a school bus stop in over thirty years but by embracing life, trying new things and staying committed to those I enjoy, new and wonderful friends keep appearing.  Both my husband and I embrace those good folks who open their lives, homes and hearts to new relationships. 

We need those relationships.  We need to have people in our lives, other than family, who care for us and for whom we care.  Each person in our life brings a different blessing.  One may be someone you can go to with health issues, another someone with whom you play.  Another may be of a similar spiritual proclivity, while another may not be and cause you to question and grow.  One may be someone who likes to take a walk and another who likes to sit and talk.  One may live close by and share in several of your activities and another may live far away and connects only periodically. 

Sometimes we choose to end a friendship and at other times that ending is chosen for us.  When there is a clear reason for the dissolution of the relationship it can be easier to let go and move on but when it remains a puzzle, it can be much more difficult to disconnect.  This rift can create a wound in the heart that may require a healing balm; prayer, counseling or both.  There is not always a clear vision of why someone has chosen to drop out of our lives.  We can find ourselves wondering what we did when many times it had very little to do with us.  I had a longtime friend who dropped me very suddenly and no matter how I reached out, there was absolutely no response.  I couldn’t imagine what I had done.  Several months later I ran into a mutual friend of ours and was told she had stopped contacting him too.  Eventually, we found out that she was suffering from severe depression and had disconnected herself from everyone.  It reminded me of calling someone and having them hang up on me as I stood there wondering what in the world I had done to cause such a reaction only to find out there was an emergency taking place.

There are times, however, when it is essential to end a relationship especially when that friendship has become toxic; when the friendship saps your energy and is causing you to become unwell.  When you have done all in your power but to no avail to sooth the distress this relationship is causing, it is probably time to walk away.  I feel it is best to let that person know you wish there was another way but for your well-being you need to separate.  It's never easy, although the other person probably also recognizes there's a problem.  But, even in our difficult friendships there are blessings to be found.  Even those people who drove us crazy added to the fiber and the color of our lives.  Perhaps they are the reason we are as strong and resourceful as we are; by dealing with them we learned how to care for ourselves without holding onto any ill will.

My favorite friendships are those that develop because of similar interests and scheduled activities.  They always seem like the easiest.  These remind me of baking a cake.  Once I've mixed all the ingredients and poured them into the pan, I simply have to put it in the oven and watch it rise.  But, not all relationships afford us with those easy opportunities.  Many of my friendships must be carefully nurtured to make sure they are sustained and continue to grow.  I may have to do this by setting aside specific times to share a meal; perhaps it means an email or even an old fashioned letter.  I love to send snail-mail birthday cards.  

My goal is to maintain healthy, enriching friendships while also keeping enough energy to care for myself.  It can be a very thin line especially with the availability of connecting via all the latest technologies; email, Facebook, Twitter etc.  It seems every day I decide how much energy is going into my relationships and how much I must reserve for myself.  One way I do this is by praying daily for my friends, those far and near, those dear and daunting, those easy and challenging.  I believe that my prayers will bless their lives and that way, even if I’m not actively contacting them, they are in my thoughts and in God’s hands.  My intention is to value each friend for who they are and what they bring into my life.  I'm not here to judge them.  I am here to simply accept them and whenever possible to love and support them.  It helps me to remind myself "I accept my friends as they are, fully appreciate the ways they bless my life and hold them in my daily prayers." 

Opening to Miracles

Affirmation:  I know by meditating on Jesus throughout my day, I am in union with the Divine; miracles are created and without struggle my life is transformed in ways beyond my imagination. 

My mom has always been a very self-sufficient, independent woman.  Truly, her spirit was the reason I went to college.  I was the first generation in my family to attend and graduate from a university.  No one encouraged me to go on after high school.  It was 1960 and I was a girl from the blue collar working class.  My future according to societal norms and my dad was to develop good clerical skills, marry and raise children.  But, my mom, a very smart lady, had tasted the life of financial independence and knew there were larger opportunities and would nudge me every so often to check them out.  I guess it didn't take more than a little nudge, especially since I was at St. Agnes Academic High School for girls and was with all these brilliant young women who were planning their futures and their first step was college.

My mom, Margaret (never Maggie, Peg or Peggy) moved to North Carolina when she was 75.  She made the move with little help from the family and started to create a new life almost immediately. She volunteered at The Food Bank, took a part-time clerical position with a non-profit, became an officer in the Cary Senior Association and became a Raleigh Ambassador, touring the city and assisting at dozens of special events, including the Special Olympics.  She was one of the first people to join the Cary Senior Center and instrumental in bringing line dancing to the facility.  (She always loved to dance.)

She went from living in a condo, to a senior apartment complex and then to an independent senior complex with some services.  Then at 89 1/2 her body seemed to start to shut down.  We did everything in our power, everything, to make her comfortable, to make sure she maintained her dignity.

The calls for help came more and more frequently and they were filled with more and more panic.  My heart ached.  Part of me wished she would be spared the dying process and just go to sleep and not wake up. We've had several friends and relatives who died in their sleep.  Ann Landers once said her life goal was "to die healthy." I want that too.  I want that for my mom, for all of us but, that's not the usual, is it?  When we took mom to the cardiologist to make sure her heart was ok, he said "I only hope I have a heart like hers at age 89." So, I wasn't holding much hope for her for a quick, easy death.

The decision I was faced with after the last panic filled phone call was, “How can mom be best cared for and who can help me decide this?" Certainly, I was so emotionally involved I wasn't very clear-sighted.  I called both her doctors, compassionate, kind women and they did what good doctors do best, they listened and guided me.  Then, I called my family.  But, I must say I had been calling my Lord, the Blessed Mother, all our Angels and Guides for many years and especially for these last few weeks, asking for them to pave the way, to smooth the path and to light the dark road of my mother's care.  And, on that day of the most recent panic phone call all the forces of nature and God came together.  For any of you that have dealt with this kind of situation, you will recognize the hand of God.

Within the next six hours mom was living in an assisted living facility.  Her new apartment was completely decorated and fully operational, even cable TV.  My husband had immediately come home from work.  By the time we arrived at mom's home, my daughter had spoken with the administrators of her facility and had secured mom a place in the assisted living facility.  Her doctors came within the hour and signed all the forms.  My son brought in lunch and my daughter-in-law took mom to another room in the building and shared lunch with her and kept her entertained while we dismantled her apartment and moved everything to her new space.  My brother who lives in another state  "just happened" to have a meeting close by and was already on his way towards us when I called him.  His wife and daughter were also on their way.

When my daughter-in-law wheeled mom into her new home, the look on her face said it all,  even mom's drapes were installed.  She said "This is amazing!" It was amazing.  It was a miracle!  And, I fully realize I can only see the tip of the miracle.  All the forces that had come to support us may never be revealed.  My prayers, the prayers of our family and friends had all been answered.

What if I lived my whole life believing God, the Universe, had only miracles in store for me?  Think of the power I could rely on.  Think of the calm that would permeate my mind, body and spirit.  Think of the joy that would fill my heart!  To truly believe that God wants only my best and it's up to me to be completely open and trusting in order to receive the blessings.  Yes, my job is to stay fully connected to God, to allow Her to do the work She wants to do.  For me, that means praying incessantly; a deep breath, sighing the name of Jesus and opening my heart to the miracles of life.