Chronic Helping Tic

Affirmation:  I live a Christ centered life of love, joy, peace, gratitude and compassion.

My dear friend from my study group, The Seekers, sent me an Oprah article called, CHT (chronic helping tic.)  I read with interest the symptoms the author attitributed to this ailment and I immediately realized I too had this disorder.  It’s been an interesting process watching myself try to hold back from offering advice and guidance to people who haven’t asked me for help and in many cases ,from  people I don’t even know, total strangers.

I am the oldest child of a family of three.  My father always wanted a son but he got me instead and he seemed to really like me.  We spent a lot of quality time together, probably a lot more time than was usual at that time.  He really had a zest for life.  He was a kind and decent man.  He worked hard and he played hard and he included me whenever he could.  I tell you all this because when I read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, I saw a lot of the male attributes they described in my personality.  One that was very strong was the desire to help people fix things, not to simply listen but to offer unsolicited advice when really; all they wanted was a sympathetic ear.  I have worked hard over the years to change this guttural response.  I am not always successful.  I just feel like I have so much practical information about so many topics, I mean I love to read and to talk about psychosocial issues and then I’m ready to share this knowledge at the drop of the hat. But, I know that most people don’t want help, they don’t really want advice even when they ask for it.  It can be a fine line between empowering and enabling.  I walk it carefully and slip only too often.

I remember the story about Andre Carnegie when he was seated with a female dinner partner and after asking her a simple open ended question, did not get to speak again for the rest of the meal.  When they were finally finished, she told him he was the most interesting dinner partner she had ever had the pleasure of speaking with.  I know that’s an extreme but I believe most people love to talk about themselves and really will have polite conversations but even then, they are thinking about what they are going to say next.  Mary Kay Ash has a story too about a woman who came to her for advice on a serious, personal issue.  When the meeting was over the woman was thrilled with the results of the conversation.  Mary Kay said she never said a word.  She simply listened while this woman talked herself through her problem.  This could be why a great therapist is in such demand.  They are trained listeners.

After reading the article my friend sent me, I decided to take a hiatus from offering un-solicited help and to see how it went.  I was doing fairly well until a woman in the grocery picked up a bag of mixed peppers.  I immediately told her that I had bought those last week and not all of them were fresh.  As soon as it came out, I wanted to kick myself.  I think the secret here is what is motivating me to offer advice.  If it’s a genuine concern for the other, that’s probably good but if it’s more about my ego, what I know and my wanting you to know how much I know, that’s not a good thing.  This lady was fairly grateful.  She said she’d had the same experience but had forgotten. 

Also, I have a woman in my church who always arrives impeccably coifed.  She’s an older woman but it’s obvious that she takes very good care of herself.  The last time she arrived she looked marvelous and then I noticed several long hairs growing from her chin.  Honestly, if I’d had a tweezer, I might have whipped it out at that very moment and offered my grooming skills but I didn’t and I decided it wouldn’t help her in any way if I told her about them and then there was the question, did she want to know.  I must say that CHT just about took over my thoughts for quite a while.  What was the right thing to do?  Did she care?  Did she think that was OK?   Should I call or email?  Would she never talk to me again or be embarrassed to be around me?  After reading the article, I decided it was once again a case of CHT and I almost let it go, except for the fact that I’m writing about it here and now.  What do you think?  How would you have handled it?  What advice do you have for me?  Have you ever experienced such a tic? 

The Courage to Change book from Alanon has one reading about someone’s gravestone.  Whoever buried this gentleman had written on it, “He’s finally minding his own business.”  I really don’t want that on my gravestone.  So, each day I now try to stop myself from stepping into someone else’s life if it’s not from a purely loving heart.  If it’s about them and what they truly seem to need and if I don’t care how it makes me feel, maybe then it’ll be OK.  But, if it’s something I’m doing that feeds my ego, I need to recognize that and let it go.  Yes, my mission statement for my life is, “I lead a Christ centered life of love, joy, peace, gratitude and compassion.”  If all of my behavior is based on that I am sure when I reach out, it will be with a pure heart and if that’s true, all else will be as it should be. 

Marriage

Marriage

Affirmation:  The best is yet to come.

My husband, Sandy and I have been married for almost 43 years.  I teasingly tell people I was a child bride, maybe 15.  But, while we were young, right out of college, we were a “reasonable” age.  Looking back, I don’t think I had a clue what I was committing to.  I’d like to think the young people marrying today have more knowledge about relationships and what saying “I do” represents than I did.  I think they might have an advantage over me because of all the information available in the media.  I know all of it isn’t good, but at least they are exposed to a great deal of different situations. 

I came from a very small family and unless I learned from their example, there wasn’t much more information available.  I was lucky because both my husband and I came from stable, loving families.  I’m sure that’s one of the reason two naïve kids like us have made it this far.
We went to dinner with a newlywed couple one evening.  They were young but they already had a lot of schooling under their belts and were looking at additional degrees.  They were considerate of each other and had a maturity about them that belied their years.  It was a pleasure to be with them.  I found myself offering my perspective on marriage.  I find myself sharing this information more and more often.  It’s usually because I am so surprised at where I’m at in my relationship with my husband and that no one ever told me about this stage of marriage.  In fact, even with today’s information overload, I haven’t seen this anywhere and it’s really important for couples to know this, especially young couples.

After 43 years, we still love one another.  We have raised three children, moved seven times, and been through illness and deaths.  We have struggled financially and psychologically.  We have played together and we have shared the most intimate of experiences.  One, for example, is when Sandy shaved my head before my hair fell out from chemo.  There are almost no words to say what that was like.  It’s been good and it’s been tough.  It’s been life and I’m so very grateful I’ve gotten to share it all with him.

And, what is it I want couples to know?  I want them to know that marriage is difficult but if there are no irreconcilable differences, no overwhelming obstacles to staying together, marriage gets better and better.  It can become one of the richest experiences of your life if you have the fortitude to hang in there so you can share your later years with that person with whom you became of age.  For us, this is the best our marriage has ever been and it’s a great joy.  Would you agree that's what can happen?  Many many years ago I had an “older” woman tell me her time as an empty nester was the sexiest time of her marriage.  It’s true.  It’s worth it.  Don’t give up.

Golf & Lessons Learned

Affirmation:  I value my accomplishments and my disappointments.
On June 19^th, 2011 Rory McIlroy won the US Open in golf.  I play golf although I do not consider myself a golfer.  I am married to a golfer and recently my adult son, Joey, has given up sky diving and taken up golf.  (Thank You, Lord.)  Considering we have been married for almost 43 years, I have learned a lot about the sport.  I must admit there have been many times in our marriage when I was deeply resentful of the time and energy my husband put into his passion.  When the children were little and he worked 100 hours a week and still played golf on the weekends, I thought I’d go crazy.  He did stop playing when our youngest child, Ellen, was born.  He needed a break and I needed a break too. 

Many years ago I read James Dobson’s, Final Rounds.  It completely changed the way I saw the sport.  It truly was a life changing read.  It helped too that my children were older and I had a little more free time.  But, when I read the memories that he and his dad had collected together, I better understood the appeal of the game.  Golf  wasn’t just “a good walk spoiled” as Mark Twain; it was about so much more.  It was about relationships and adventures and shared experiences.  I took it to heart and started focusing on those aspects and not how many times I was hitting (or swinging) at that little ball.  Yes, something changed.  I started having more fun and truly valuing the time I spent with Sandy and now with my son.  Sometimes my daughter-in-law, Belen, joins us on the course as Joey’s chauffeur.  It can be a delightful day and I really have learned to value being out on the course.

Part of our shared interest lies in occasionally watching the major tournaments with my family.  The US Open is one of them.  And, this year’s was very exciting.  This young man, Rory McIlroy (22 years) won. He’s from Northern Island.  Not only did he win but he broke all sorts of records.  He shot 65-66-68-68.  He was as much as 17 under par at one point.  He went into the tournament winning by 8 strokes.  These are unheard of accomplishments. 

That’s all wonderful and exciting but for me, it was the story behind his win that touched my heart.  His father was there; it was his Father’s Day present.  The story that emerged was of a family of very hard working people.  His dad had worked as a janitor and when his son showed an interest in golf, he became the bar tender at the golf club so that they could afford his lessons.  When he accepted his award, he didn’t’ leave out his “mum” either.  He said it was because of their hard work and sacrifice that he was there today. 

The media spent a great deal of time talking about this young man’s loss at the Masters in Augusta.  They kept talking about how he was winning by 4 strokes when the final round began, and then “fell apart.”  Everyone was amazed that he had pulled himself together so quickly and was doing so well.  Some thought he might never recover from such a devastating loss.  It was one of the questions presented to him several minutes after accepting the US Open trophy.  The announcer asked him to speak about losing the Masters and what that had been like.  Ready?  “The Masters was a very valuable experience for me.  I learned a few things about myself and my game.” 

This champion is much wiser than his 22 years.  It takes some of us a lifetime to discover that every life experience leads to wisdom and knowledge.  It’s all up to us how we perceive it and whether or not we value every single one of them, both the accomplishments and the disappointments.  Like Rory, it can lead us to championship skills, the skills of leading a rewarding, fulfilling life. 

Worthiness

Affirmation:  I am loveable, I am worthy, I do well.

Oprah Winfrey ended her 25 year show this June.  I think I missed a lot because I am not an avid television watcher.  I rarely have the TV on during the day and now, with DVRs I rarely watch more than an hour of TV in the evening.  I once had a very good friend suggest I Tivo the Oprah show and watch what was of interest to me.  I also had another friend tell me if I watched more Oprah I would probably take fewer classes, since she teaches about almost everything in which I am interested.  I think they were both right and I didn’t take their advice to heart or I just couldn’t seem to find the time to watch her daily show.  But, I did DVR her very last show.  I have now watched it twice and I will very likely watch it again.  Her theme was what she had learned from her viewers over the years.  I actually went back and took notes.

“There is a common thread that runs though all of our pain and all of our suffering, unworthiness, not feeling worthy enough to own the life you were created for.  We often block our inherent blessings because we don’t think we’re good enough, smart enough or pretty enough or worthy enough.”  She went on to say, “You’re worthy because you have been born.  Your being here, your being alive makes worthiness your birth right.  You alone are enough.” 

Do you believe that?  It’s the same theme over and over.  We are so much more than we seem.  We are spirit, we are eternal, and we are children of God.  We were created to bring light and love into this world.  We don’t need to do anything else in order to do that.  But, should we choose to go out into the world and bring our love and our energy, we need to do it with a sense of power and compassion.  We were created to shine.  Let your light shine.  Do not act small, do not shy away from life, it doesn’t help anyone.  By believing in your worthiness by acting as if, you give permission to all those lives you touch, to be and to feel the same way.

Open your heart, do not be afraid.  In yoga we practice “Open Heart” asanas.  Take a deep breath, pull your shoulders back, open your arms, and smile.  Inhale and breathe into your heart, as you exhale, see the love and energy shinning out, as you inhale, feel the love and positive energy filling you up.  Believe it.  You are loved; you are worthy.

Financial Prosperity

Affirmation:   We attract financial prosperity

Money!  I’m fairly thrifty on most things.  But, I don’t like to feel like I have to be thrifty.  I like to choose to be thrifty.  Can you see the difference?  It reminds me of some diets I’ve been on.  As soon as I felt I was denying myself of some specific food, I wanted it more.  Recently, I have joined Weight Watchers Online and I’ve been fascinated by the amount of food I can eat and also that I can eat anything I want, within a reasonable amount.  It seems to be working for me.  It's the same with money, I don’t mind watching my pennies, I just want to do it because I have a responsibility to be financially aware and prudent not because we are in dire straits.  Maybe an ounce of prevention will help to keep us from being in real financial difficulties, maybe.

The affirmation:  We attract financial prosperity is one of the few where I include my husband in the statement.  Our finances are totally interwoven.  I guess that’s fairly normal after 42 years of marriage.  I remember the first time I told him about this affirmation.  We were in church.  He was pretty skeptical.  Then the donation basket was passed and I asked him for some additional cash to put in it.  Being the great guy he is, he immediately handed me more money.  “See”, I said, “We do attract financial prosperity!”  He smiled and just shook his head.

My study group, The Seekers, has been working on the book Second Blooming for Women.   One of the topics has led to a lot of discussion both within and outside the group.  The statement is, “If money were no object ________.”  How would you fill that in?  I love asking people this question.

My husband has a story about being in speech class in college.  He decided to speak about the song “If I Ruled the World.”  To gather information, he went around asking people what they would do if they ruled the world.  One person he asked was a young co-worker.  He was the delivery fellow at their local pharmacy.  This young man gave the question a great deal of thought and finally shared, “I would have someone set me up in business.”  Sandy, my hubby, said, “I don’t think you get it.  You RULE the whole world.”  The young man again gave it quite a bit of thought and what do you think he answered?  “Yup, if I ruled the world, I’d have someone set me up in business.  That’s what I’d do.”

When I was first confronted with the fill in the blank about money, I must admit my vision was limited.  Not as much as the delivery guy but more than I like to admit. Then, after speaking with my group, I found myself imagining all sorts of altruistic activities.  “No object” you say, “Well, I’d cure cancer, make sure everyone had any proven, available inoculations, feed the hungry, especially the children and finally, I would make a supreme effort to educate the women of the world.”   I might have to own a private jet in order to get around tending to the whole world but I’m willing to do whatever is necessary. 

Then came the real revelation.  Money may be limited but that doesn’t mean I can’t still devote some of my income to those things I feel are important.   My donations may not take care of the whole world but it would at least take care of a part of it.  I do set aside part of our income to give to charity.  As we shared some of our ideas, it came to me that I have been giving money to educate women.  I make a monthly donation to my high school, Saint Agnes Academic High in College Point, N.Y.  It’s an all girl school and I credit it and the teachers I had for the life I now live.  It was a wonderful environment.  It showed me my potential.  I had nuns and lay teachers who had their PHDs in Mathematics, English, and Latin, to name a few subjects.  They were remarkable women and by being in their presence, I began to see that I too could educate myself and reach heights I never before dreamed possible.  

What about you?  If money were no object what would be your priorities?  Remember, we are spiritual beings.  We have the gifts and ability to tap into the unseen, the unknown, the power of God!  Truly, the only limits that exist are the limits we place on ourselves.  It’s our choice; do we go to the ocean with a thimble, a bucket or a pipeline?   It’s all yours just like the sun shines on all of us, prosperity can belong to everyone; dream large. 

Pentecost

Affirmation:   Come Holy Spirit, fill the heart of Your faithful.  Enkindle in me the fire of Your love.

We are approaching the feast of Pentecost.  This marks the day when the Holy Spirit descended onto the apostles and transformed their lives.  I must admit there are several aspects to this feast day that appeal to and fascinate me.

The first one is that after this event, these mild, uneducated, socially awkward men (and I like to think, maybe a woman or two) shrugged off their fears and anxieties and went out into the world preaching and converting it to the message of Jesus Christ.  This whole tale is just remarkable to me.  In fact, it is one of the foundations for why I believe, why I remain a Christian.  I just am in awe of the fact that these men who after the crucifixion were hiding in a room and fearful for their lives have an expericnce that enables them to go off and to preach “the good news.”  How else can one explain what took place if it wasn’t a miracle?  I know I’d need such a dramatic experience before they’d get me out of that room and off to preach to all the corners of the world.  In my mind, the fact that these fishermen were able to completely change the world is proof enough that Jesus Christ is Lord.

The second aspect of this feast day lies in my belief in that we are all more than we seem.  The world is more than it seems.  There are unseen forces affecting every aspect of our existence of which we have very little knowledge.  The Holy Spirit is our counselor, our guide, our path to holiness.  I’m very glad there is such a resource available and I fully intend to take full advantage of it. 

To prepare for Pentecost I have found a short prayer that I am saying daily, sometimes several times a day.  I am saying it and then I am expecting miracles to occur, sort of like the apostles brushing themselves off and finding new found strength and courage.  I don’t know what the miracles will be but I’m anxiously awaiting their occurrence.  Yes, I believe I will recognize them.  I already await the miracles of life because of my faith in Jesus but this feels like I am strengthening my chances. 

So, for the last couple of weeks I say:  Come Holy Spirit, fill the heart of Your faithful.  Enkindle in me the fire of Your love.